DEAR ABBY: I met my husband, "Jerome," two years ago. During our courtship, he helped me to find faith. Because of that, I wanted a completely honest relationship with him and confessed to a "less than moral" experience that occurred several years before I met him. Apparently he was able to accept it, because he proposed and we have been married for several months.

Recently, however, Jerome has been saying it's bothering him and he doesn't know how to let it go. I'm angry and hurt that something that happened long ago is now causing problems in my marriage. It has made me question why I was honest with him.

I'm afraid Jerome will never forgive me. He says he feels as though he has to compete with my past and doesn't feel he can live up to it. How do I tackle this problem? I can't change my past, I can't take back what I told him, and I can't do anything to change my husband. Please help. -- HAUNTED BY THE PAST

DEAR HAUNTED: First, stop apologizing. You are the sum total of all your experiences, and that's the woman he married. Tell your husband you will not accept anything less than marriage counseling now. He knows about your "experience" because you leveled with him. Make it clear that this isn't a contest, and he's all you want in a man. If he can't accept it, there is no basis for a marriage, and frankly, little hope for a future together.

DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a wedding. The invitation included explicit instructions on what is appropriate attire. Ladies are "not to wear anything tight or revealing, or that doesn't cover chest, back, knees and shoulders." One of my friends said she wouldn't go to such a wedding. Another said, "I don't own anything that meets their dress code."

We are all three mature women who have always dressed conservatively. What's your take on this? Am I right to feel insulted? -- CLOTHING-CHALLENGED IN OREGON

DEAR CLOTHING-CHALLENGED: Not necessarily. It's possible that the house of worship where the wedding will be held -- as well as the families involved -- may be conservative or orthodox, which is why the women are being asked to cover themselves. If you feel the dress code is too much of an imposition, you should politely decline the invitation.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, who is 18, had a child last year. She kept the baby and dropped out of school. She is now working and has returned to school to get her GED. My husband has always loved her and helps her financially.

My problem is she has twice stolen from a fund I keep for our church. Although she is the only one who could have done it, my husband refuses to believe it. I now insist on locking everything up.

Abby, if she had asked for the money either time, her grandfather would have given it to her. I think she gets an adrenaline rush from stealing. What can I do about this? -- AT A LOSS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR AT A LOSS: Where are your granddaughter's parents? Are they aware of what has been going on? If not, please inform them because if she's stealing from you for the adrenaline rush, she is probably also doing it elsewhere. Someone needs to see that the girl receives counseling before her behavior lands her in serious trouble. And in the meantime, she should not be left alone in your home.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I wonder how many women feel just like me. I spent the best years of my life married to an abuser and cheater, raising three children who were my world.

Now, as I approach my twilight years, I have a sick husband who needs my care and three children who are self-sufficient, successful and self-serving. I feel used by all of them. I hear from them only when they need me to baby-sit, provide a shoulder to cry on during breakups, etc.

My husband is a sick old man who appears to be headed toward dementia, and I can't find the courage to walk away. I don't know what you can do for me because I know I'm only one of millions of women in the same position: We can't afford a divorce; we want to remain a part of our children's lives; yet we yearn to give our love to those who can return it and appreciate the loving, competent women we are. What are your thoughts on this? -- LEFT BEHIND

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Your family is not going to change. If you want change in your life, you will have to create it for yourself. Accept that you have been partly to blame for your current situation. You tolerated the abuse and cheating and focused so much attention on your children that they grew up thinking you would jump when they snapped their fingers.

If you want to be appreciated, stop acting like a martyr and make yourself less available to all of them. Use the time to carve out an identity of your own before it's too late. Donate some of that "empty" time to charities you believe in or causes you care about, and you will be appreciated. And while you're at it, talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. You may find you're not as trapped as you think.

DEAR ABBY: Our three grandchildren have come to live with us because their mother got mixed up with drugs and their father died. The middle boy, "Clay," is such a picky eater, it borders on an eating disorder. He is 11, weighs 60 pounds and is skeletal to look at. He is the smallest child in his grade. He will eat chicken, potatoes, rice, some cereal and peanut butter sandwiches. One day he will like something, the next he won't. We have caught him making himself vomit after we have insisted he eat something.

We have tried not making a big issue about it, saving his plate for the next meal, making him sit at the table until he has eaten everything and had him see a psychologist for a year. Clay is a sweet, engaging child who has convinced two psychologists there is nothing wrong.

We know this is the way he has some control over his life, but we are fearful for his health and happiness. We have tried counseling in this community of limited mental health resources. Any suggestions? -- IN A FOOD FIGHT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR IN A FOOD FIGHT: Yes. Stop turning mealtime into a battleground. Take Clay back to his pediatrician and find out whether or not his physical development falls into the range of normal. Explain that the boy is living on protein, starches and carbs and ask what supplemental vitamins he should take for his health.

So far, all you have accomplished has been to make your grandson associate mealtime with punishment, and that isn't conducive to anyone's health and happiness -- not his and not yours. If the doctor says Clay is developing normally, then accept it, as well as the advice of the two psychologists. If he isn't, consult an expert in eating disorders.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past several years I have fallen out of love with my wife. We're now at a point where all we do is cohabitate for the sake of the children. She often says she wants nothing to do with the kids and treats me as below human. She calls me at work repeatedly, then hangs up on me if I don't agree or give her the answer she wants. I finally had enough and told her I can no longer live like this.

She's now saying she has "seen the error of her ways" and wants to change. I don't know if I believe her or even care at this point. I have been so beaten down I just go through the motions. Part of me would like to see who else is out there for me, but then my wife cries and says she has "nowhere to go" and that I'd be putting the mother of my children "out on the street." She doesn't work because she can't keep a job. (Something always comes up that forces her to walk out.) Please help me. I am beside myself and don't know what to do. -- AT A CROSSROADS IN COLORADO

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Try marital counseling for your children's sake, to determine whether your wife is capable of changing and whether your marriage can be salvaged.

If the answer is no, consult an attorney who specializes in family law, and when you do, seek custody of your children. If your wife says she wants nothing to do with them now, after a divorce her attitude isn't likely to improve. They will need a caring, supportive parent close to them. If your wife is as you have described, she appears to be more interested in a meal ticket than a partner, and you deserve better.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student. In order to save money on housing, my best friend, "Keira," and I decided to get an apartment together. She's engaged, so it's actually the two of us and her fiance, "Bruce." All of us were enthusiastic about the idea. They moved in a few months before me because I had a job back home and their jobs were at school.

Because they moved in first, they treat me as if it is "their" apartment and I merely have a room there. When I try to buy things for the apartment, such as a new tablecloth, bath mat, etc., Keira immediately undoes any changes I have made when I leave for the day. I feel it is her passive-aggressive way of undermining me. It happens every day with something.

This may seen petty, but this is my apartment, too. I pay rent just as they do, and I want to feel at home here as well. Keira is stubborn and wants things her way. How can I get her to quit this behavior without causing further animosity within our home? -- HOME-LESS IN NEW YORK

DEAR HOME-LESS: Convene a household meeting and tell Keira and Bruce what you have told me. While they arrived first and furnished "their" nest, you have an equal right to have it reflect some of your taste and personality. For your friend to erase it while your back is turned is inconsiderate of your feelings.

If you don't bring this out in the open, you will never establish a compromise. Because Keira is planning to be married, she had better get used to the concept of compromise because a successful marriage is full of it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)