DEAR ABBY: I wonder how many women feel just like me. I spent the best years of my life married to an abuser and cheater, raising three children who were my world.

Now, as I approach my twilight years, I have a sick husband who needs my care and three children who are self-sufficient, successful and self-serving. I feel used by all of them. I hear from them only when they need me to baby-sit, provide a shoulder to cry on during breakups, etc.

My husband is a sick old man who appears to be headed toward dementia, and I can't find the courage to walk away. I don't know what you can do for me because I know I'm only one of millions of women in the same position: We can't afford a divorce; we want to remain a part of our children's lives; yet we yearn to give our love to those who can return it and appreciate the loving, competent women we are. What are your thoughts on this? -- LEFT BEHIND

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Your family is not going to change. If you want change in your life, you will have to create it for yourself. Accept that you have been partly to blame for your current situation. You tolerated the abuse and cheating and focused so much attention on your children that they grew up thinking you would jump when they snapped their fingers.

If you want to be appreciated, stop acting like a martyr and make yourself less available to all of them. Use the time to carve out an identity of your own before it's too late. Donate some of that "empty" time to charities you believe in or causes you care about, and you will be appreciated. And while you're at it, talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. You may find you're not as trapped as you think.

DEAR ABBY: Our three grandchildren have come to live with us because their mother got mixed up with drugs and their father died. The middle boy, "Clay," is such a picky eater, it borders on an eating disorder. He is 11, weighs 60 pounds and is skeletal to look at. He is the smallest child in his grade. He will eat chicken, potatoes, rice, some cereal and peanut butter sandwiches. One day he will like something, the next he won't. We have caught him making himself vomit after we have insisted he eat something.

We have tried not making a big issue about it, saving his plate for the next meal, making him sit at the table until he has eaten everything and had him see a psychologist for a year. Clay is a sweet, engaging child who has convinced two psychologists there is nothing wrong.

We know this is the way he has some control over his life, but we are fearful for his health and happiness. We have tried counseling in this community of limited mental health resources. Any suggestions? -- IN A FOOD FIGHT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR IN A FOOD FIGHT: Yes. Stop turning mealtime into a battleground. Take Clay back to his pediatrician and find out whether or not his physical development falls into the range of normal. Explain that the boy is living on protein, starches and carbs and ask what supplemental vitamins he should take for his health.

So far, all you have accomplished has been to make your grandson associate mealtime with punishment, and that isn't conducive to anyone's health and happiness -- not his and not yours. If the doctor says Clay is developing normally, then accept it, as well as the advice of the two psychologists. If he isn't, consult an expert in eating disorders.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past several years I have fallen out of love with my wife. We're now at a point where all we do is cohabitate for the sake of the children. She often says she wants nothing to do with the kids and treats me as below human. She calls me at work repeatedly, then hangs up on me if I don't agree or give her the answer she wants. I finally had enough and told her I can no longer live like this.

She's now saying she has "seen the error of her ways" and wants to change. I don't know if I believe her or even care at this point. I have been so beaten down I just go through the motions. Part of me would like to see who else is out there for me, but then my wife cries and says she has "nowhere to go" and that I'd be putting the mother of my children "out on the street." She doesn't work because she can't keep a job. (Something always comes up that forces her to walk out.) Please help me. I am beside myself and don't know what to do. -- AT A CROSSROADS IN COLORADO

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Try marital counseling for your children's sake, to determine whether your wife is capable of changing and whether your marriage can be salvaged.

If the answer is no, consult an attorney who specializes in family law, and when you do, seek custody of your children. If your wife says she wants nothing to do with them now, after a divorce her attitude isn't likely to improve. They will need a caring, supportive parent close to them. If your wife is as you have described, she appears to be more interested in a meal ticket than a partner, and you deserve better.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student. In order to save money on housing, my best friend, "Keira," and I decided to get an apartment together. She's engaged, so it's actually the two of us and her fiance, "Bruce." All of us were enthusiastic about the idea. They moved in a few months before me because I had a job back home and their jobs were at school.

Because they moved in first, they treat me as if it is "their" apartment and I merely have a room there. When I try to buy things for the apartment, such as a new tablecloth, bath mat, etc., Keira immediately undoes any changes I have made when I leave for the day. I feel it is her passive-aggressive way of undermining me. It happens every day with something.

This may seen petty, but this is my apartment, too. I pay rent just as they do, and I want to feel at home here as well. Keira is stubborn and wants things her way. How can I get her to quit this behavior without causing further animosity within our home? -- HOME-LESS IN NEW YORK

DEAR HOME-LESS: Convene a household meeting and tell Keira and Bruce what you have told me. While they arrived first and furnished "their" nest, you have an equal right to have it reflect some of your taste and personality. For your friend to erase it while your back is turned is inconsiderate of your feelings.

If you don't bring this out in the open, you will never establish a compromise. Because Keira is planning to be married, she had better get used to the concept of compromise because a successful marriage is full of it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away recently. My sister, who lives in another state, flew in with her 4-year-old daughter, "Nikki," to attend Mom's wake.

When the wake ended, Nikki began to place stickers on Mom's hands and one on her face. The stickers had been given to her by another guest before the service started. When my 18-year-old daughter saw what her cousin had done, she removed them, and Nikki threw a tantrum and refused to leave the casket. My sister spoke quietly to her, trying to get the child to leave, then allowed her to put at least two more stickers on my mother's hand. Finally, I gently picked Nikki up and took her away from the casket. My father is a mild-mannered man and, although he frowned in disapproval, he said nothing.

This has caused a huge rift between my sister and me. I feel a 4-year-old is too young to attend a wake. Nikki should not have been allowed to put stickers on my mother. My sister says I "undermined" her parenting and had no right to intervene. What are your thoughts? -- SADDENED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SADDENED: If one defines parenting as teaching a child appropriate behavior, your sister wasn't parenting at all. Although the child was well-intentioned, unless the stickers said "Return to Sender," they had no place at the funeral. My condolences to your family.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 32-year-old single female. I have a child and am currently in a relationship with "Ty," who has two children of his own from a divorce.

This is a very difficult situation for me. I love Ty, but there's so much drama relating to his ex-wife and dealing with the post-divorce behavior problems of his kids, I sometimes don't know how much more I can handle. The ex constantly throws herself in my face, trying to be friends. And the shuffling of his kids from our house to hers creates issues.

I need advice on what to do. I'm unhappy, and it is getting worse. How can I improve the situation before I just give up? -- OVERWHELMED IN IOWA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Before giving up, let me remind you that as a 32-year-old single mother, you will be encountering more and more men with "baggage" -- so you might as well learn to cope with it now. If you're going to have a future with Ty, it is in YOUR best interest to become a "friend" of his ex-wife. Should you marry him, a cordial and cooperative relationship will be better for everyone.

Look at it this way: Because Ty's children are acting out -- which is to be expected -- the most effective way to deal with it is to form a united front.

DEAR ABBY: I recently started dating a wonderful man, but there's one problem: On several of our dates he was dressed like he was staying home to watch TV -- wearing dirty pajama-type shorts, ripped T-shirts, stuff I'd barely wear even if I were home sick.

I have gently tried to suggest he wear something else, but he has no concerns about his appearance. Any ideas? -- BAFFLED IN BALTIMORE

DEAR BAFFLED: The wonderful man you are seeing is either eccentric or a slob. If you have "gently" tried to suggest that he make himself look more presentable when you go out and have gotten nowhere, you have two choices: Accept him just as he is, or look further for male companionship.