DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a good life and are financially secure. Our kids are grown and we now have grandchildren. The problem is my father.

Every time I'm around him, he always comments on my shortcomings and faults. I have never measured up to my father's standards, and I finally realize I never will. I have lost all respect for him and do not want to be around him at all.

My mother is nothing like him, and I still enjoy her company. I don't understand why he treats me this way. Most fathers would be proud to have a son like me. Any suggestions, Abby? -- LOSING SANITY IN KENTUCKY

DEAR LOSING SANITY: Your father may act the way he does out of a need to control you. By withholding approval, he makes you constantly try to win it. Or, he may be hypercritical out of some deep-seated insecurity of his own because it makes him feel superior.

Believe it or not, your father's behavior probably has less to do with you than with him. For further insight into your toxic parent, please talk to a psychologist. It will be money and time well-spent.

DEAR ABBY: A younger brother died of cancer four years ago. Recently his wife, "Kaye," has been coming to stay with my husband and me for a week or two at a time. The reason for the frequent visits is she has a boyfriend here in Arizona. (She lives in California.)

Kaye tells me she "misses me" and uses that as an excuse for her visits, but I know she's doing it for the free lodging. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she isn't getting the hint.

My husband is retired and doesn't want Kaye in our home this often. She has visited for three weeks over the past two months and wants to come back again. I think her boyfriend should pay for her lodging. Then she can come, see us, and spend as much time as she wants with him.

How can I help Kaye see the big picture? -- SORE SISTER-IN-LAW IN PHOENIX

DEAR "SIS": Your hints haven't been strong enough. Tell Kaye that the time she wants to come "isn't convenient" and suggest she make arrangements for other accommodations such as hotel or motel.

If she says she can't afford it, suggest that her boyfriend "chip in" -- or better yet, visit her in California.

DEAR ABBY: A friend, "Dave," is coming here for a visit. He wears false teeth. My husband refuses to have meals with him because Dave removes his teeth when he eats. My husband says it's repulsive and ruins his dinner. Now he wants me to tell Dave to keep his teeth in or he won't be joining us. I'm afraid it will make things awkward and cause hard feelings. What to do? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN THE COACHELLA VALLEY

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: One would think that denture wearers would need their dental appliances in in order to eat. The fact Dave removes his may indicate that his don't fit properly. Call your friend and suggest he see his dentist before he makes the trip. That way, Dave may be able to eat comfortably with his teeth in, and your husband won't be so grossed out he has to eat elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sister I love dearly. "Thea" is married to a wonderful man, and they have a 3-year-old son I love as if he were my own. My problem is Thea has a nasty, violent temper, and she doesn't hesitate to use it toward the boy.

Recently when he was overtired and needed to go to bed, Thea said he "knows better than to push me by throwing a tantrum." She then threatened to "beat him bloody" if he didn't "shut up" and go to sleep. Abby, she had already swatted his behind to the point that he could no longer stand up.

This feels like abuse to me. When I suggested that perhaps Thea should try to calm down before she hits him (more than she already had), she threw me out of her house! I am terrified that this may be happening more often than I realize. But what if what I witnessed was just an isolated incident? If I act on it, I may never have a relationship with my sister again.

What (if anything) can I do? I'm worried for the safety of my nephew, but I don't want to cause a rift I can't mend. -- MIDWEST AUNTIE

DEAR AUNTIE: It appears your sister has serious anger issues and lacks parenting skills. A mother who "swats" her child to the point that he can no longer stand is an abuser, and she needs an intervention before her child is seriously hurt. Because Thea's reaction when you tried to intervene and calm her down was to throw you out of the house, the next step is to call Childhelp USA. The toll-free number is 800-422-4453. Your call will be kept confidential and a counselor can guide you further. Please don't procrastinate.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Roger," died recently. I am working through the devastating grief of his passing, but the core of my pain was listening to the eulogies at his funeral.

I expected Roger's friends and family to share happy memories and celebrate the best of his life. However, many of those who spoke -- including his granddaughter -- chose to remember him as a notorious womanizer both while his wife was alive and after her death. Stories were shared about how he constantly hit on much younger women, including his daughter's childhood friends. One "gentleman" even shared an "amusing" anecdote about how he and Roger found out they were sleeping with the same woman.

I knew about Roger's past before he met me and I managed to come to terms with it, but I did not expect it to be brought up as entertainment at his memorial. I also thought it to be inappropriate with his late wife's family in attendance.

Now my memories are tainted, and I feel dirty and used. I live 500 miles from Roger's home and will probably never see those people again. What can I do to get over this anger that continues to haunt me? -- STILL IN MOURNING

DEAR STILL MOURNING: A eulogy is usually a respectful recapitulation of the deceased's life story, which includes loving memories, lessons taught, examples set by the person. What happened at the funeral was an indication that Roger left behind bitter memories that were voiced by those who spoke. How sad for all concerned.

However, this has nothing to do with you and your relationship with Roger. And the quickest way to work through your feelings would be to practice forgiveness and go on with your life -- in which Roger was just a chapter.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have a 10-month-old daughter. Her dad and I broke up five months ago because we were fighting a lot, most of it caused by him. I have been dating a new guy, "Ron," for three months.

Lately, my baby's dad has been trying to convince me he has changed, and he wants me to take him back. I still have feelings for him, but I'm in love with Ron. I don't want to lose what I have for a shot in the dark, but what if my ex really has changed? Plus, the relationship I have with Ron is a long-distance one. As much as I'd love it to work, I don't know how to deal with the distance. Do you have any advice on how to make it less heartbreaking when we are apart? -- YOUNG MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR YOUNG MOM: If you were in love with your baby's father, you wouldn't have fallen in love with Ron so fast. If you were in love with Ron, you wouldn't be debating whether to reunite with your argumentative ex because he's geographically closer.

The way adults deal with extended separations from the people they love is to stay busy. They work, take classes, volunteer their extra time to causes they believe in. They do not bounce like tennis balls from romance to romance. And if they have a 10-month-old, they devote their attention to helping their little one go from a crawl to a walk.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, 13, and son, 11, have been taking piano lessons for six years. My 5-year-old has just started. They are all bright children, and the lessons were at their request. I told them they would not be able to quit until they were "older," but now the two older kids are fighting me to quit. I tell them I have never met anyone who was glad he or she stopped taking piano lessons. I say the lessons are good for their brains, teach them discipline, and it sure beats surfing the computer or playing video games. Not only are they making me miserable, but their attitude is rubbing off on the little one.

My husband is deceased, and he always thought it was a good idea for them to take lessons. The kids are now involving my mother, who is taking their side. What should I do? -- DISCORDANT FAMILY, NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR DISCORDANT: Your older children have had many years to learn to love the piano. If it hasn't happened by now, forcing them to continue won't improve the situation. Children are more cooperative when they have choices and ownership of the outcome.

Because you would prefer your daughter practice the piano rather than surf the Net or play video games, ask your 13-year-old what constructive activity she plans to substitute in its place. You might be pleasantly surprised by her answer.

Tell your 11-year-old and 5-year-old that they will be taking lessons until they are 13, at which point they, too, will be given the choice of what they would like to substitute -- subject to your approval. If you do, there will be less conflict, and your youngest child will no longer be surrounded by the same level of negativity.

DEAR ABBY: In years past, I have lost three friends. Because we lived many miles apart, I learned the sad news when their widows informed me by letter of their deaths.

In each case, the widow had blackened out the name of her spouse on the return address labels. My mother-in-law did the same thing when her husband died.

What prompts these women to eliminate evidence of their loved one so quickly? -- GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

DEAR GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: Pragmatism.