DEAR ABBY: I have a sister I love dearly. "Thea" is married to a wonderful man, and they have a 3-year-old son I love as if he were my own. My problem is Thea has a nasty, violent temper, and she doesn't hesitate to use it toward the boy.

Recently when he was overtired and needed to go to bed, Thea said he "knows better than to push me by throwing a tantrum." She then threatened to "beat him bloody" if he didn't "shut up" and go to sleep. Abby, she had already swatted his behind to the point that he could no longer stand up.

This feels like abuse to me. When I suggested that perhaps Thea should try to calm down before she hits him (more than she already had), she threw me out of her house! I am terrified that this may be happening more often than I realize. But what if what I witnessed was just an isolated incident? If I act on it, I may never have a relationship with my sister again.

What (if anything) can I do? I'm worried for the safety of my nephew, but I don't want to cause a rift I can't mend. -- MIDWEST AUNTIE

DEAR AUNTIE: It appears your sister has serious anger issues and lacks parenting skills. A mother who "swats" her child to the point that he can no longer stand is an abuser, and she needs an intervention before her child is seriously hurt. Because Thea's reaction when you tried to intervene and calm her down was to throw you out of the house, the next step is to call Childhelp USA. The toll-free number is 800-422-4453. Your call will be kept confidential and a counselor can guide you further. Please don't procrastinate.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Roger," died recently. I am working through the devastating grief of his passing, but the core of my pain was listening to the eulogies at his funeral.

I expected Roger's friends and family to share happy memories and celebrate the best of his life. However, many of those who spoke -- including his granddaughter -- chose to remember him as a notorious womanizer both while his wife was alive and after her death. Stories were shared about how he constantly hit on much younger women, including his daughter's childhood friends. One "gentleman" even shared an "amusing" anecdote about how he and Roger found out they were sleeping with the same woman.

I knew about Roger's past before he met me and I managed to come to terms with it, but I did not expect it to be brought up as entertainment at his memorial. I also thought it to be inappropriate with his late wife's family in attendance.

Now my memories are tainted, and I feel dirty and used. I live 500 miles from Roger's home and will probably never see those people again. What can I do to get over this anger that continues to haunt me? -- STILL IN MOURNING

DEAR STILL MOURNING: A eulogy is usually a respectful recapitulation of the deceased's life story, which includes loving memories, lessons taught, examples set by the person. What happened at the funeral was an indication that Roger left behind bitter memories that were voiced by those who spoke. How sad for all concerned.

However, this has nothing to do with you and your relationship with Roger. And the quickest way to work through your feelings would be to practice forgiveness and go on with your life -- in which Roger was just a chapter.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have a 10-month-old daughter. Her dad and I broke up five months ago because we were fighting a lot, most of it caused by him. I have been dating a new guy, "Ron," for three months.

Lately, my baby's dad has been trying to convince me he has changed, and he wants me to take him back. I still have feelings for him, but I'm in love with Ron. I don't want to lose what I have for a shot in the dark, but what if my ex really has changed? Plus, the relationship I have with Ron is a long-distance one. As much as I'd love it to work, I don't know how to deal with the distance. Do you have any advice on how to make it less heartbreaking when we are apart? -- YOUNG MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR YOUNG MOM: If you were in love with your baby's father, you wouldn't have fallen in love with Ron so fast. If you were in love with Ron, you wouldn't be debating whether to reunite with your argumentative ex because he's geographically closer.

The way adults deal with extended separations from the people they love is to stay busy. They work, take classes, volunteer their extra time to causes they believe in. They do not bounce like tennis balls from romance to romance. And if they have a 10-month-old, they devote their attention to helping their little one go from a crawl to a walk.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, 13, and son, 11, have been taking piano lessons for six years. My 5-year-old has just started. They are all bright children, and the lessons were at their request. I told them they would not be able to quit until they were "older," but now the two older kids are fighting me to quit. I tell them I have never met anyone who was glad he or she stopped taking piano lessons. I say the lessons are good for their brains, teach them discipline, and it sure beats surfing the computer or playing video games. Not only are they making me miserable, but their attitude is rubbing off on the little one.

My husband is deceased, and he always thought it was a good idea for them to take lessons. The kids are now involving my mother, who is taking their side. What should I do? -- DISCORDANT FAMILY, NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR DISCORDANT: Your older children have had many years to learn to love the piano. If it hasn't happened by now, forcing them to continue won't improve the situation. Children are more cooperative when they have choices and ownership of the outcome.

Because you would prefer your daughter practice the piano rather than surf the Net or play video games, ask your 13-year-old what constructive activity she plans to substitute in its place. You might be pleasantly surprised by her answer.

Tell your 11-year-old and 5-year-old that they will be taking lessons until they are 13, at which point they, too, will be given the choice of what they would like to substitute -- subject to your approval. If you do, there will be less conflict, and your youngest child will no longer be surrounded by the same level of negativity.

DEAR ABBY: In years past, I have lost three friends. Because we lived many miles apart, I learned the sad news when their widows informed me by letter of their deaths.

In each case, the widow had blackened out the name of her spouse on the return address labels. My mother-in-law did the same thing when her husband died.

What prompts these women to eliminate evidence of their loved one so quickly? -- GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

DEAR GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: Pragmatism.

DEAR ABBY: After a messy divorce, I moved with my 17-year-old daughter "Allie" to Florida. I'm thrilled that she has adjusted so quickly to the lifestyle here, which revolves around the beach and backyard swimming pools. Allie now has a boyfriend, "Shane," who is 19 and in college. I like him, and it appears he likes me too -- maybe a little too much.

Shane lives with his parents down the street, and he's often at our house when he and Allie aren't in school. Because I work at home and my office is adjacent to the pool, I can't seem to escape him. When Allie is doing her homework or talking on the phone, Shane swims alone and does a fair amount of "preening." I have the feeling he does it to gain my attention. The other day, after jumping in the pool, he surfaced without his swim trunks and said the pool jets had ripped them off him. Then he got out of the pool and put them back on in front of me. When I told him I found the situation embarrassing, he shrugged and smiled, leaving me feeling awkward.

Being from the Midwest, I'm used to people behaving and dressing more modestly. Here, it seems like anything goes, and the skimpier the clothing, the better. Am I a prude, or should I listen to my instincts that something is not right? And what do I say to Shane that will allow me to keep my dignity? -- TAKEN ABACK IN TAMPA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The pool jets did not rip the trunks off your daughter's boyfriend. It appears she is involved with an exhibitionist. If it happens again, tell him you find what he's doing to be disrespectful and offensive, and if he wants to parade his shortcomings at his own home that's his privilege, but at yours his pants should stay on at all times -- or you'll tell his mother. Shame on Shane.

DEAR ABBY: I have been through a lot and have never given up. Lately, however, I am having second thoughts. Everyone in my family is an addict or a recovering one. I left my ex-husband because of his drinking. My son has been in rehab and relapsed many times. I have gone through every last financial and emotional option with him.

At this point, I'm feeling like all hope is gone. I'm writing to you because I am trying to find some thread of life to help me understand why bad things keep happening to me. How do I squeeze out one last drop of hope when my cup of faith is empty? I want to find a purpose to all the pain. -- STRUGGLING FOR ANSWERS, PARK CITY, UTAH

DEAR STRUGGLING: Volumes have been written by authors and philosophers trying to explain why bad things happen to good people. In your case, it appears you were born into a family with a genetic predisposition to addiction. Because the behavior of people with substance abuse problems was familiar to you, you married another one.

While I appreciate your desire to help your son, for your own mental health, please accept that the battle to free himself from addiction is his and his alone. You can't conquer it for him, much as you might hope to.

If you haven't already done so, attend some meetings of support groups for families and friends of people who have addictions. There you will find others who are helping one another through the same issues you are encountering. Such groups are listed in your phone directory and on the Internet. Believe me, you are not alone in your search for answers.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: A happy Eid al-Fitr, one and all!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)