DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have a 10-month-old daughter. Her dad and I broke up five months ago because we were fighting a lot, most of it caused by him. I have been dating a new guy, "Ron," for three months.

Lately, my baby's dad has been trying to convince me he has changed, and he wants me to take him back. I still have feelings for him, but I'm in love with Ron. I don't want to lose what I have for a shot in the dark, but what if my ex really has changed? Plus, the relationship I have with Ron is a long-distance one. As much as I'd love it to work, I don't know how to deal with the distance. Do you have any advice on how to make it less heartbreaking when we are apart? -- YOUNG MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR YOUNG MOM: If you were in love with your baby's father, you wouldn't have fallen in love with Ron so fast. If you were in love with Ron, you wouldn't be debating whether to reunite with your argumentative ex because he's geographically closer.

The way adults deal with extended separations from the people they love is to stay busy. They work, take classes, volunteer their extra time to causes they believe in. They do not bounce like tennis balls from romance to romance. And if they have a 10-month-old, they devote their attention to helping their little one go from a crawl to a walk.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, 13, and son, 11, have been taking piano lessons for six years. My 5-year-old has just started. They are all bright children, and the lessons were at their request. I told them they would not be able to quit until they were "older," but now the two older kids are fighting me to quit. I tell them I have never met anyone who was glad he or she stopped taking piano lessons. I say the lessons are good for their brains, teach them discipline, and it sure beats surfing the computer or playing video games. Not only are they making me miserable, but their attitude is rubbing off on the little one.

My husband is deceased, and he always thought it was a good idea for them to take lessons. The kids are now involving my mother, who is taking their side. What should I do? -- DISCORDANT FAMILY, NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR DISCORDANT: Your older children have had many years to learn to love the piano. If it hasn't happened by now, forcing them to continue won't improve the situation. Children are more cooperative when they have choices and ownership of the outcome.

Because you would prefer your daughter practice the piano rather than surf the Net or play video games, ask your 13-year-old what constructive activity she plans to substitute in its place. You might be pleasantly surprised by her answer.

Tell your 11-year-old and 5-year-old that they will be taking lessons until they are 13, at which point they, too, will be given the choice of what they would like to substitute -- subject to your approval. If you do, there will be less conflict, and your youngest child will no longer be surrounded by the same level of negativity.

DEAR ABBY: In years past, I have lost three friends. Because we lived many miles apart, I learned the sad news when their widows informed me by letter of their deaths.

In each case, the widow had blackened out the name of her spouse on the return address labels. My mother-in-law did the same thing when her husband died.

What prompts these women to eliminate evidence of their loved one so quickly? -- GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

DEAR GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: Pragmatism.

DEAR ABBY: After a messy divorce, I moved with my 17-year-old daughter "Allie" to Florida. I'm thrilled that she has adjusted so quickly to the lifestyle here, which revolves around the beach and backyard swimming pools. Allie now has a boyfriend, "Shane," who is 19 and in college. I like him, and it appears he likes me too -- maybe a little too much.

Shane lives with his parents down the street, and he's often at our house when he and Allie aren't in school. Because I work at home and my office is adjacent to the pool, I can't seem to escape him. When Allie is doing her homework or talking on the phone, Shane swims alone and does a fair amount of "preening." I have the feeling he does it to gain my attention. The other day, after jumping in the pool, he surfaced without his swim trunks and said the pool jets had ripped them off him. Then he got out of the pool and put them back on in front of me. When I told him I found the situation embarrassing, he shrugged and smiled, leaving me feeling awkward.

Being from the Midwest, I'm used to people behaving and dressing more modestly. Here, it seems like anything goes, and the skimpier the clothing, the better. Am I a prude, or should I listen to my instincts that something is not right? And what do I say to Shane that will allow me to keep my dignity? -- TAKEN ABACK IN TAMPA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The pool jets did not rip the trunks off your daughter's boyfriend. It appears she is involved with an exhibitionist. If it happens again, tell him you find what he's doing to be disrespectful and offensive, and if he wants to parade his shortcomings at his own home that's his privilege, but at yours his pants should stay on at all times -- or you'll tell his mother. Shame on Shane.

DEAR ABBY: I have been through a lot and have never given up. Lately, however, I am having second thoughts. Everyone in my family is an addict or a recovering one. I left my ex-husband because of his drinking. My son has been in rehab and relapsed many times. I have gone through every last financial and emotional option with him.

At this point, I'm feeling like all hope is gone. I'm writing to you because I am trying to find some thread of life to help me understand why bad things keep happening to me. How do I squeeze out one last drop of hope when my cup of faith is empty? I want to find a purpose to all the pain. -- STRUGGLING FOR ANSWERS, PARK CITY, UTAH

DEAR STRUGGLING: Volumes have been written by authors and philosophers trying to explain why bad things happen to good people. In your case, it appears you were born into a family with a genetic predisposition to addiction. Because the behavior of people with substance abuse problems was familiar to you, you married another one.

While I appreciate your desire to help your son, for your own mental health, please accept that the battle to free himself from addiction is his and his alone. You can't conquer it for him, much as you might hope to.

If you haven't already done so, attend some meetings of support groups for families and friends of people who have addictions. There you will find others who are helping one another through the same issues you are encountering. Such groups are listed in your phone directory and on the Internet. Believe me, you are not alone in your search for answers.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: A happy Eid al-Fitr, one and all!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Insulted in Ohio" (July 9) was offended because she's being asked at bridal and baby showers to address a blank envelope so the honoree can send her a thank-you note. Good heavens, lady, calm down.

At a shower, you are celebrating a milestone event in a young woman's life. Your gift will help her during the next phase of her life. These joyous events can be stressful and require a lot of preparation. I'm sure the hostess's intent in asking guests to perform this minor task is to ease the honoree's responsibilities. It also ensures the addresses appear correctly on the envelopes and everyone is accounted for on the gift list. Is that really so "insulting"?

"Ohio," if you feel so imposed-upon being asked do do such a simple thing, may I offer a suggestion? Gift the honoree with your "regrets" and leave your judgmental attitude at home. (I'll bet you count the days until you're thanked, too.) -- GAIL IN NACOGDOCHES, TEXAS

DEAR GAIL: Thank-you notes are a hot-button issue with my readers, and frankly, I am surprised more of you didn't stick up for "Insulted." However, I stand firm in my conviction that the more personal the thank-you note (including the envelope), the better. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: With the advent of email, social networking and online invitation sites, mailing addresses are used less often. I'd be hard-pressed to find the street addresses of some of my closest friends and relatives. As part of the younger generation, I'm more comfortable with email. If I were hosting one of these events, I'd have to kindly ask guests to write down their addresses for me to use later for thank-yous. And because it's being done on paper, it might as well be on the envelopes -- a practical, time-saving solution. -- JENNY IN QUEBEC, CANADA

DEAR ABBY: I'm also from Ohio, and I was insulted, too. It appalled me being asked to address my own future thank-you envelope. And would you like to know the kicker? I never received the envelope or a thank-you after the shower. -- CARLA T.

DEAR ABBY: While the practice does seem a little over the top, there are creative alternatives. At a baby shower, my sisters gave everyone index cards and asked them to write down their name and address and guess the baby's birth weight and length. The guest who came closest would be mailed a prize. It was a way to ensure I had everyone's address for thank-you cards. At bridal showers, a blank address book can be passed around for guests to write their contact information. The book is then presented to the bride for her new home. -- MELANIE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: To save a busy bride or mother-to-be time and effort, addressing my envelope is another "gift" I can give her. All the envelopes could then be placed in a basket, with one being drawn for the "door prize." -- LYNN IN DULUTH, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: "Insulted" could take one of her return address stickers with her to the shower and place it on the envelope provided. It's less work. This new party ritual is not the result of poor manners, but a logical change for changing times. -- NOT A WHINER DOWN SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: The personal message the gift recipient writes on the card is more important than who might have addressed the envelope it came in. -- ARLENE IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: Because each of my guests addressed her envelope, I finished all my thank-yous in the week after the shower and sent them out promptly. People should not complain about the punctuality of thank-yous if they refuse an opportunity to ensure they receive them in a timely manner. -- CARRIE IN ST. LOUIS

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