DEAR ABBY: I'm in a real pickle. My ex-wife, "Gloria," and I have been divorced eight years, but have managed to remain civil to each other.

Last year, my daughter had a big birthday party to which I wanted to bring a date. Gloria decided that she would not attend because it would be "hurtful" to see me with another woman. After my daughter called me in tears, I canceled my date and went to the party alone.

Now my daughter is about to be married and I want to bring a date to the ceremony. Again, Gloria has announced that she will forgo the pleasure of seeing our daughter get married "so I can have my way and prove to the world I'm able to get a date." My daughter is caught in the middle and wants us both there.

I foresee a host of problems in the future if Gloria's behavior continues. My girlfriend is understanding, but I wish I could include her in family activities, especially one-of-a kind events like weddings. Your thoughts, Abby? -- ARIZONA DAD IN CONFLICT

DEAR ARIZONA DAD: Clearly you have gotten on with your life and Gloria hasn't. Eight years is a long time, and by now your ex should have adjusted to the fact that you have separate lives. I, too, foresee a host of problems in the future if you and your daughter continue to succumb to her emotional blackmail.

One solution would be for Gloria to bring a companion of her own to the wedding. Another would be for you to sit with your ex during the ceremony and with your girlfriend at the reception. But for Gloria to say that you only want your girlfriend with you at family events "so you can show the world you can get a date" is hostile.

If you don't assert yourself and end your ex's game-playing, what will wind up happening is you having to alternate celebrating milestone events in your daughter's and eventual grandchildren's lives.

DEAR ABBY: I like to be tan. Sometimes I tan outside, but often that takes too long and can be damaging to the skin, so I opt for self-tanning lotion. But some people ask me if I have put on "fake-n-bake"! I feel this is rude.

I don't want to have to explain my desire for tan legs. I want people to believe the color is real. They do look that way, but because others are pale in comparison, I get asked about it. How do I reply without giving myself away? -- BRONZED BABE IN THE WEST

DEAR BRONZED BABE: If people are asking you about the tan on your legs, face it, it doesn't look real. Your problem may be that you are using the wrong product. Or, if you're using it only on your legs, that could be what's made it obvious to others. A possible solution would be to consult someone who works in a spray-tanning salon.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Maggie," had her flight home canceled and asked me if she could stay at my place overnight. I'm in a long-distance relationship and I felt my girlfriend of seven years would be uncomfortable with the arrangement. I asked Maggie to respect that and offered to book a hotel room for her instead. She was offended and ended our friendship. Do you think I was wrong? -- UNFRIENDED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR UNFRIENDED: No, I think you were protecting what was important to you -- your girlfriend's feelings. And I also think you made the right choice.

DEAR ABBY: Sometime ago, you printed a letter from one of your readers who was upset over her son's polyamorous relationship. I didn't respond then, but now that my triad is ready to come out to my boyfriend's family (we are out to mine and to my husband's·family), I feel the need to address this lifestyle in your column and ask your advice.

My husband and I have been together 10 years. We started out as swingers. When we met my now-boyfriend, it became apparent that it was going to be more serious than "play" partners. Our particular arrangement is a "V" triad, meaning I am involved with two (husband and boyfriend), but they are not involved with each other.

My boyfriend is extremely important to us in every way. We all work together to make a very smooth-running, loving household.

I want you and your readers to know that this is a viable relationship with love, respect and, most important, open communication. This kind of relationship -- or any, for that matter -- is doomed without it.

An estimated half-million people in the United States are part of polyamorous relationships. We're not freaks in need of counseling, but people who realize that love can grow and that there is an alternative to monogamy.

Abby, I would like to get some tips from someone who doesn't readily accept this life or even know it's out there. My boyfriend's family is conservative and they know he lives with a married couple. We've all spent time together, and I think they like me. Of course, they don't know I'm romantically involved with their son.

What's the best way to tell them about our triad? We want them to know this isn't the end of the world and that I love him very much. I'd appreciate any advice from you or your readers on this. Until we're out of the closet, please sign me ... NOWHERE AND EVERYWHERE

DEAR N AND E: Because you're looking for input from someone who "doesn't readily accept this life," you have come to the right place. You didn't say how long your boyfriend has been living with you and your husband, but if it has been any length of time and his parents know he isn't involved with anyone else, it's possible they already have some suspicions.

Because they are conservative, if I were you I wouldn't shatter their illusions. I can almost guarantee they won't embrace you for it. If you feel you must disclose the information, then do it in the same way that you have explained it to me. But don't expect them to jump for joy.

DEAR ABBY: At what age does a person become a senior citizen? There has been much discussion about this in our family. I looked forward to turning 50 and becoming a "semi-sexy senior." AARP starts asking us to join before 50. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS

DEAR BILL: Yes, it does. It's called recruiting. Eligibility for senior discounts varies depending upon the establishment offering them, and there's no limit to the age one can be "semi-sexy" as long as you are healthy, willing and able.

When I was invited to join the AARP, I decided to defer becoming a senior citizen as long as possible. With the retirement age now approaching 70, it appears the government is taking its lead from me.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Secondhand Rose" (June 11) was well-intentioned but won't provide the level of intervention her husband needs. He's clearly a compulsive shopper and hoarder, and her going along on his buying trips will only lead to more family conflict and bad feelings without solving anything.

The family would be helped by going to Al-Anon meetings for support and to help them understand. Just substitute the word "hoarding" for alcohol and the picture will be clear. If there's a Clutterers Anonymous meeting nearby and he is willing to go, that would be ideal. There are also online meetings.

He needs cognitive behavioral therapy, the sooner the better. Like all addicts, he will probably be unwilling to admit he needs treatment and resist going. The best way to deal with this is family intervention -- like what is done with alcoholics and drug addicts.

DEAR GLORIA: Many readers felt as you do, that "Secondhand Rose's" husband has a serious disorder and needs professional help. One organization that has been mentioned before in this column is The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation. Its website is www.ocfoundation.org. Read on:

Hoarding is a serious, life-threatening and life-consuming disorder like any other addiction. Getting better without treatment is unlikely. -- GLORIA V., ONE WHO KNOWS

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for Rose. Why not check with a local charity and ask what it needs? Give her husband the list and have him search for bargains, then donate them to the charity. It's win-win. The donation can be declared on their tax return, they won't have loads of clutter, the charity benefits, and her husband can continue to use his bargain-hunting skills. -- VICTORIA IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: Hoarding goes far beyond being an avid shopper or simply a clutterbug or pack rat. Hoarding is compulsive. It gets worse over time and turns one's home into a dangerous, dusty and unhealthy place to live. Hoarders' inability to let go overrides everything else -- their families' needs for functional space to sleep, eat and prepare food.

Recently some TV shows have shed light on this behavior. It hurts those closest to the hoarder. Children of hoarders are not able to visit their parents, and the legacy of shame and hurt of the illness goes on for a lifetime as family members realize that stuff means more to the hoarder than they do.

This isn't a problem someone can fix easily. The hoarder has to be willing as well, and professional intervention is needed. -- ADULT CHILD OF A HOARDER

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible that this collector could turn his hobby into a business? In this poor economy, more people are buying used. Some options would be: garage sales of his own, or rent a small shop or space in a consignment store. We may have a budding entrepreneur here. -- PAULA IN JEFFERSON CITY, MO.

DEAR ABBY: Rose's husband has a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her conclusion that her home is turning into a warehouse is correct; hoarders value trash and are blind to their illness, believing they are only "collectors." They twist every conversation you have with them in an attempt to save their trash and will destroy normal relationships with family.

Rose needs to educate and protect herself before it's too late. Eventually her home will completely deteriorate because normal maintenance will be impossible. She won't be able to clean because of the piles of junk. -- STILL DIGGING OUT IN CALIFORNIA