life

American Heroes Inspire Others Through Courage and Sacrifice

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2011

DEAR READERS: I published a letter (June 6) in which a reader, "Alison in Ashland, Ore.," asked you to name your heroes. She asked that they not be celebrities or family members. A tsunami of emails descended upon me -- many of them moving, thought-provoking and inspiring. I'm sorry that space limitations prevent me from printing more of them -- but I thank you ALL for your submissions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Captain C.B. "Sully" Sullenberger! A humble man, under intense pressure, who saved the lives of his entire U.S. Airways Flight 1549 on Jan. 15, 2009. After landing his Airbus in the Hudson River, he refused to leave his ship until all passengers and crew had disembarked. THAT is a true hero, someone going about his daily routine and doing something extraordinary. -- PAMELA F., SLINGERLANDS, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I'm nominating two people: Stephen Hawking, who has overcome disastrous physical and medical problems to become the world's most prominent physicist, and Gustavo Dudamel, who has brought intense life to the L.A. Philharmonic and the renewal of symphonic music in general, having lifted to new heights Venezuela's "The Program," which gives all students in that country the opportunity to make music. -- NANCY E., OAK RIDGE, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: My personal hero is Rosa Parks. I grew up in a racist household and was even beaten for disagreeing. But the courage it took for Rosa to sit down and refuse to get up moved mountains for me. I thank her with all my heart. -- KENDRA IN HAIKU, HAWAII

DEAR ABBY: My definition of hero has long been the man who stood in front of tanks in Tiananmen Square. As a teenager I watched in awe at his strength of character and heart. In that moment he showed us what the world could be if we, too, chose to stand up. -- EMILY F., SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: It's Miep Gies, one of the women who helped hide Anne Frank and her family. She didn't hesitate before saying "of course!" when asked for help, and when asked years after WWII, she said she would do it again in a heartbeat because it was the right thing to do.

As an LGBT and AIDS activist, I'm often asked why I do what I do if it doesn't affect me directly. I do it because it's the right thing. To me, if more people thought like Mrs. Gies, this world would be a much better place to live, so I try to remember her in everything I do. -- ALESS P., DARTMOUTH, NOVA SCOTIA

DEAR ABBY: My hero is Cesar Chavez. Before he came along, workers didn't even have a place to relieve themselves while working the fields under all weather conditions. He sacrificed his own health and his life to help their plight.

I read in our local newspaper where somebody referred to him as an illegal alien, although he was born in Arizona and served in the U.S. Navy. If that doesn't make someone an American, nothing will. -- ARTHUR IN BARSTOW, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I nominate Florence Nightingale. Despite familial and societal objections to her work, she made nursing care a respected, effectual profession that continues to benefit humankind. Women of her generation were seen as inferior, capable only of servitude; she showed nurses' work to be much more than a harmless presence among the suffering. Now THAT's a positive role model for our youth to emulate. -- STEPHANIE L., R.N. IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ABBY: Who are my heroes? My vote goes to the Navy SEALs who killed Bin Laden! -- MARILYN W., KNOXVILLE, TENN.

READERS: Stay tuned. I'll print more of your submissions tomorrow.

life

Pregnant Girl Who's Showing Can't Prevent Parents Knowing

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2011 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and pregnant. The father of my baby is my stepbrother. It's my fault because I seduced him when we were home alone. Last night my sister said I need to go on a diet because I'm gaining weight, and she joked that I look pregnant. I don't think she has any idea that I really am.

I won't be able to hide this pregnancy much longer. My parents will go crazy, and my stepbrother will also be in major trouble even though it isn't really his fault. I can tell you my mom will not be understanding. Please help. -- DESPERATE FOR ADVICE

DEAR DESPERATE: You're right -- this is major trouble. But your parents have to be told, not only because your pregnancy will soon become obvious, but also because for the sake of the baby, you must have prenatal care. If you are afraid to tell them by yourself, then approach them with the help of another adult, either a close friend or a relative you can confide in. The only thing you shouldn't do is wait any longer.

life

Dear Abby for August 10, 2011

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2011 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR ABBY: I have been feeling a great deal of guilt for a number of years after my parents' deaths. They both died of natural causes.

When the church services were over, my sister and brothers stood together in line and thanked everyone for coming. I could hardly sit through the service, much less thank anyone for attending. I was the first to leave the service and drove home to be alone.

Was I wrong not to stand with my siblings? I could hardly control my own feelings. It was impossible for me to deal with those of the others. What do you think, Abby? -- WORKING THROUGH GRIEF

DEAR WORKING: I think you are beating yourself up needlessly. Grieving is a personal process, and people do it in their own individual way. Because you needed to be alone, you were right to leave.

life

Dear Abby for August 10, 2011

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2011 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR ABBY: The other day my boyfriend discovered my diary and started reading it even though I asked him not to. I took it away from him, and he accused me of hiding something from him. I'm not hiding anything, it's just very personal. Is it wrong that I prefer to keep my diary a private matter? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN NEW YORK

DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: No, it's not wrong. Many people who keep journals also prefer to keep them private. What is wrong is your boyfriend snooping in the diary after you asked him not to, and then accusing you of hiding something from him when you told him it made you uncomfortable. If you have given him no reason to mistrust you, that's an indication that he is insecure and doesn't respect boundaries. And it's a red flag.

life

Dear Abby for August 10, 2011

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2011 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR ABBY: The other day my boyfriend discovered my diary and started reading it even though I asked him not to. I took it away from him, and he accused me of hiding something from him. I'm not hiding anything, it's just very personal. Is it wrong that I prefer to keep my diary a private matter? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN NEW YORK

DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: No, it's not wrong. Many people who keep journals also prefer to keep them private. What is wrong is your boyfriend snooping in the diary after you asked him not to, and then accusing you of hiding something from him when you told him it made you uncomfortable. If you have given him no reason to mistrust you, that's an indication that he is insecure and doesn't respect boundaries. And it's a red flag.

life

Son Left to Raise Himself Wants Distance From His Parents

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2011 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm an only child by default. My parents have been married 30 years and had two children. When I was 9 and my sister was 6, we were in a car accident with my mother that resulted in my sister's death. Her death changed my life in ways I can never explain.

My father began abusing drugs and beating me. My mother started stealing and was always unemployed. She became severely depressed and also abused prescription drugs. I was left to raise myself, and now, as an adult, I don't want a relationship with either of them.

How can I get my mother to accept that despite her wishes, I do not want to live my life watching her waste hers? It leaves me feeling depressed, angry and hopeless. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. Almost all my life I have known only death, drugs, abuse and pain. I just want peace from these people. Please help. -- FRUSTRATED SON IN GEORGIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED SON: You have my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that destroyed your family. Had your parents received the professional help they needed at the time of the accident, much of it might have been prevented. Tell your parents that unless they seek help now for their problems, they will have lost not one, but two, children.

However, if they choose to continue as they have been -- which is likely -- then you must go on with your life. The answer to a toxic situation such as what you have experienced is to divorce yourself. Because you can't fix them, you must save yourself. You have been damaged enough.

life

Dear Abby for August 09, 2011

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2011 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Kate," is 27 and has a 3-year-old son. She and the father are not married. He is self-centered, controlling and keeps her stranded. She has no car and no money. They currently live with his family -- a far from ideal situation.

I am struggling because I'm unable to help her financially, and she feels lost and alone. My husband (her stepfather) won't allow them to live with us, which I understand. We're scrimping to get by. I have located several online sites for single moms regarding assistance, but I feel it is up to Kate to pursue them.

What else can I offer her regarding steering her in the right direction? If she could contact others in her situation, perhaps they might point her in directions I cannot. Your advice would be welcomed. -- GRANDMA IN PRESCOTT, ARIZ.

DEAR GRANDMA: Because of your financial situation there is a limit to what you can do. Give your daughter the websites and explain that she may find support and suggestions there from other single mothers -- the rest is up to her. But please, realize that until your daughter is willing to take charge of her life, nothing will change. Continue to be caring and supportive, and let your daughter know you love her.

life

Dear Abby for August 09, 2011

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2011 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When someone elopes, is a bridal shower after the fact appropriate? There will be a reception later this summer where a wedding gift seems expected. I think having a bridal shower is not proper etiquette. What do you say? -- ASKANCE IN VERMONT

DEAR ASKANCE: The intent of a wedding shower is to extend good wishes to the bride -- and with increasing frequency, the groom. Having one after a hastily planned wedding or an elopement is not a breach of etiquette. However, if you disapprove, no law says you must attend.

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