DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old niece "Tammy" is very shy. When I recently visited my brother's home, she hid in her parents' bedroom behind a closed door. She wouldn't come out to say hi or even speak to me through the door.

Today I was on the phone with my sister-in-law and I asked if I could say hello to Tammy. I was told Tammy had left the room because she didn't want to talk. My sister-in-law then remarked that she has the shiest kids on Earth.

I think Tammy's parents should MAKE her speak to me (or anyone else) in person or on the phone. Am I wrong? -- OUTGOING AUNT IN TEXAS

DEAR OUTGOING AUNT: Tammy's behavior is rude, and her mother is covering for her. If Tammy has such overwhelming social anxiety that she cannot exchange even the briefest social amenities, she needs the help of a therapist to help her overcome it.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked in a medical office for a number of years. We all get along like a family and there are rarely any problems. However, something has been bothering me since one of my co-workers' (unmarried) daughter had a baby.

We all bought gifts for the baby and tolerate the many pictures and recitation of day-to-day events of the baby, but now the first birthday is here. I received an invitation and was told what they would like to receive, plus a wallet photo of the child and a larger photo with a magnet on it.

Many of us have grandchildren, but we have never gone overboard this way. I would never impose an invitation on my co-workers to attend any of my grandchildren's birthday parties. My feeling is that grandchildren parties are for families! What to do? -- FRETTING IN OHIO

DEAR FRETTING: Fret no more. Politely decline the invitation and say you have other plans. (You do -- you plan not to attend or be milked for a gift.) Stand firm now, because if you don't, you will be invited to every birthday party the kid has until he or she is an adult.

DEAR ABBY: We are progressive parents, but conservative about social issues. We have a problem on which we disagree and we have agreed to abide by your answer.

Our three children are all in high school. Our older daughter has a good friend -- a boy who is gay. We like him very much and he has visited our home many times. However, our daughter would like to invite him to a sleepover, as she does with her girlfriends.

Is it appropriate for a teenage girl to have a gay boyfriend on a sleepover? -- PUZZLED PARENTS IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR PUZZLED PARENTS: I see no reason why an "out" gay teenage boy shouldn't attend your daughter's sleepover. Their relationship is the same as the ones she has with her girlfriends.

DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks it's OK to read over someone's shoulder. I have tried explaining that I think it's rude, but he says I'm rude for asking him not to do it. He thinks I have something to hide if I tell him to stop. What say you? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN OHIO

DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: I say you married a man who is insecure and suspicious, and you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter, "Alisa," has earned a scholarship to participate in a month-long summer language program in Turkey. As soon as my sister "June" found out I was allowing Alisa to attend, she called me a moron. She has been giving me the silent treatment for almost a month. June is terrified my daughter will be a victim of terrorists, a plane crash, kidnapping or worse.

Alisa has consistently proven she is trustworthy and responsible. After some research I determined the country and the program are safe. Alisa will be traveling with a small group of students and three adult chaperones who are native to the host country.

Our mother was afraid of everything, and I don't want to pass that kind of irrational fear on to Alisa after she worked so hard to earn a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that could shape the course of her life. Am I really a poor parent for allowing my child to travel halfway around the world? I feel I made the right decision. -- STUNNED SISTER IN LITTLE ROCK

DEAR STUNNED SISTER: A poor parent? Not at all. You would be one if you caved in to your sister's emotional blackmail. Taking this trip is a privilege your daughter worked hard for, and seeing firsthand that there is a world filled with interesting, good people will open her mind to opportunities and possibilities that few people her age are able to experience.

DEAR ABBY: My wife uses her hands to push her food around her dinner plate and onto her fork or spoon. I see her do this at almost every meal, and usually say nothing. But every once in a while I feel compelled to ask her to stop using her hands to eat. When I do she says I'm "rude" to even take notice of how she eats and mention it.

Am I rude? I was brought up in a blue-collar home, and whenever I touched my food with my hands, or put my elbows on the table, I got a slap from one of my older brothers or sister. -- MINDED MY MANNERS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MINDED YOUR MANNERS: It appears your wife was raised in a household where good table manners weren't as important to her family as they were to yours. According to Emily Post: "If a piece of food keeps eluding your fork, don't push it onto the tines with your finger. Instead, use a piece of bread or your knife as a pusher." (Italics are mine.) Share this with your wife and the situation may improve.

DEAR ABBY: How do your readers feel about the words "soul mate"? I never imagined those words would cross my mind until recently -- and I'm not talking about my spouse. Is it possible to feel someone is your soul mate without knowing the feelings are reciprocated?

There are many roadblocks in the way of a relationship with my soul mate -- but I know I'd have to wait another lifetime for the kind of relationship I feel could exist with this other person. Comments, Abby? -- PONDERING IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR PONDERING: Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, 11th Edition, defines "soul mate" n. (1822) as "a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs." The American Heritage Dictionary, Fourth Edition, defines soul mate as "one of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view or sensitivity."

While you are pondering, please ponder this: When you married your spouse, I'm hoping you felt you had much in common and thought you could build a successful future together. If you have lost that connection, try to rebuild it before sacrificing your marriage because the grass looks greener somewhere else. And if the object of your preoccupation is not aware of your feelings, please don't destroy your marriage over what may be a one-way crush.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice to "Driven Away in Georgia" (May 26), whose widowed mother has become so bitter, all eight of her children avoid her. As a clinical neuropsychologist who works with people with dementia and other aging-related problems, I'd like to share my thoughts.

When a spouse dies, previously undetected early-stage dementia can become apparent to others. If the surviving spouse had pre-existing cognitive deficits, they may have been concealed by the competency of the other spouse. After the spouse dies, the structure and functional support once provided is suddenly removed. Symptoms then become apparent to family members. Another diagnostic option might be depression, which can often resemble dementia in elderly people.

There are medications that can help manage and even slow down the progression of dementia, and early intervention may partially stabilize her at a higher level of functioning. You were right to recommend that family members become more involved rather than back away since this woman clearly needs either psychiatric or neurological intervention, or both. Thank you for shedding light on a very common problem that can touch any family. -- RICHARD FULBRIGHT, Ph.D., DALLAS

DEAR DR. FULBRIGHT: Thank you for sharing your expertise and raising awareness for those with family members who are also struggling with similar issues. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In addition to concerns about dementia, the mother may be overwhelmed with living life as a widow. The eight surviving children should try to arrange for part-time hired help for her household chores that build up. If Mom is living on limited income, she may be crushed with financial stress. Perhaps it's time for her to downsize to a more manageable home.

Instead of avoiding her, these "kids" need to find out exactly what problems are overwhelming their mother and get her help. -- CONCERNED SON IN LAUREL, MD.

DEAR ABBY: "Driven" and her siblings could offer more by getting together, taking potluck dishes and meeting at Mom's house over a weekend to split up her chore list. My own mom would say, "Many hands make labor light" -- and laughter makes the time pass quickly. If they can do this two or three times a year, Mom might feel more secure and relaxed.

Her children also should take turns taking Mom out to dinner and a movie once a month. It will give her something to look forward to. When you lose someone who was involved in your daily life, it gets lonely.

A tip to the kids: Imagine yourselves in your mom's shoes instead of thinking about how much you have to do. Even a person with dementia, if this is the case, can be happy with the right help. -- NANCY IN PAYSON, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: If each child contributed a small amount of money each month, they could hire a handyman to take care of the various projects Mom needs to be done. A cleaning person is also an option. Aging parents can be a challenge, but pulling away and spending less time with them will only lead to regrets later. -- LAUREN, SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: Anytime our family got together, or my folks were having special guests over, my mom would ask me to clean her house. I resented it, figuring since I could clean my home, Mom could clean hers. Mom passed more than a year ago, and I'd give anything to be able to clean house for her again. -- BILL IN TRASKWOOD, ARK.