DEAR ABBY: I have suffered from allergy-induced asthma for 10 years. It becomes a problem only on the major holidays when we visit my mother-in-law. She has two cats and poor ventilation in her house. For years, I have followed my doctor's treatment of inhalers and allergy remedies with slight success.

This last year the prevention methods didn't work. My breathing was labored for several hours after leaving my mother-in-law's house. I am now considering not attending these holiday gatherings unless they are held elsewhere. Any suggestions? -- FEELING WELL (FOR NOW) IN BUFFALO

DEAR FEELING WELL (FOR NOW): I don't know how many family members attend these gatherings, but perhaps it's time to suggest to the rest of the family that everyone take turns hosting the holiday events. If they don't already know about your allergy-induced asthma, they should be told. To start the ball rolling, you could host the first event. If that's not acceptable, for the sake of your health, you and your spouse should start some holiday traditions of your own.

DEAR ABBY: I have wanted to write you for some time and never had the courage, but now I really need some advice, so here goes:

I married "Wyatt" five years ago. I have two children from a previous marriage, a 20-year-old (not living at home) and a 17-year-old son who has just left because of my husband. I love my children dearly, and I did love Wyatt. But every hurtful, spiteful, mean thing he has said to them has slowly chipped away at any feelings that I had for him.

Abby, I want to leave my husband and get an apartment for myself and my son. How do I do it? How do I tell him I want out without starting a war? -- NEEDS ANSWERS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR NEEDS: Because your husband is hurtful, spiteful and mean, you will need to protect yourself before telling him the marriage is over. Prepare an escape plan in advance. You will need money, any financial information you can gather and the help of an attorney. And contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline -- (800) 799-7233 -- for guidance on how to safely make your exit.

DEAR ABBY: My dilemma is how to deal with rude, obnoxious children whose parents allow them to get away with bad behavior. In my home, I have learned to tactfully tell the kids, "We don't jump on couches, bang on pianos or turn the TV on and off." However, what do I do when visiting a parent whose 8-year-old constantly butts into the conversation and tells the parent and me to be quiet? Of course, the parent stops the conversation and gives in to the child! Do I just suffer through this annoyance, or is there something I can say or do? -- TIRED OF BAD BEHAVIOR IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TIRED: You can suffer through the annoyance and grit your teeth, or socialize with the parent while the child is in school or involved in some other activity. Or, schedule your visit away from the parent's home and when the child is with a sitter. As a last resort, manage to see less of the parent until the child becomes a teenager and is no longer constantly underfoot and competing for attention. But do not criticize a child's behavior in the home of his or her parent.

DEAR ABBY: When my children were young, I was a single parent. I always put my children first. We didn't have a lot of money, but we got by. If they asked for something we couldn't afford, we would discuss it. I'd show them the budget and the bills, and we'd find a way to get what they wanted.

They gave up snacks for six months so I could set that money aside to buy them bikes. We also decided we could go to Disney World -- if we didn't have cable for two years. If they wanted something, the answer was always yes, but I let them know we needed to figure out how to manage it. They learned to budget and save for things they wanted. I believe if you work toward a goal, you can achieve it.

My new husband disagrees with me. We attended a parenting class together and they agreed with him. This doesn't sit well with me. I feel that just saying "no" is showing them we have the control, but teaches them nothing. Am I wrong? -- ALREADY AT ODDS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR AT ODDS: No. I disagree with your husband and the person teaching the parenting class. If your children are respectful, happy, willing and ready to work hard and sacrifice to achieve their goals, then you are a successful parent. If your household was harmonious until your husband entered it, you don't need a parenting class -- you need family therapy.

DEAR ABBY: Eight months ago, I became involved with "Ted," who was separated from his wife, "Erica." I fell head-over-heels for him, but in the end, he decided to work things out with his wife.

When Ted told Erica about me, she said she wanted to meet me. I decided I owed it to her, so we met. Believe it or not, we hit it off. Within a couple of weeks we were friends.

The problem, of course, is that hanging out with Erica means I also see Ted. I thought I was over him, but recently old feelings have come back and I feel awful thinking about him while being good friends with his wife. I don't want to give up the friendship with her, but being around him is making me sad. What should I do? -- DISCONCERTED FRIEND

DEAR DISCONCERTED: You and I both know what you should do. Put the brakes on the relationship with Erica and Ted, and when she asks why, explain that it has nothing to do with her but you have some unresolved issues to work out. Then back off until you get your head straight, and possibly become involved with another man. To do otherwise is masochistic.

DEAR ABBY: If someone tells a white lie about something trivial, is it because he/she is lazy and wants to avoid conflict? Should the lie be ignored or should I be concerned about trust? -- SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

DEAR SEARCHING: People tell white lies all the time. Sometimes it's done to avoid conflict, other times it's an attempt to be polite. When someone asks, "How are you?" and you respond, "Fine, thanks" instead of describing your headache or backache, that's a form of white lie. You should worry only if you catch someone in a big, bald-faced act of prevarication. Election years are filled with exaggerations and outright lies, so hang onto your hat.

DEAR ABBY: I'm only 12 and I feel like my life is ending. I just finished seventh grade, I don't have many friends and I feel like the ones I do have don't really care.

I do gymnastics and volleyball, but my friends there don't really care, either. My family is no help. My sisters are too busy with their friends and boys to care. My parents don't know anything about me. On top of that, there's a boy I like who acts like I don't exist. What should I do? -- FRIENDLESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FRIENDLESS: I find it interesting that when people write to me, it's often the last thing in their letters that's the crux of the problem. I'm sorry your love life isn't going well at the moment, but your life isn't "over." In fact, it's just beginning. Everyone has days when they feel alone in the crowd -- even kids who are popular.

Your parents have known you all your life. If they don't yet know the person you're becoming, it may be because you haven't let them. They have experienced much of what you're going through, and I'm sure they'll be glad to share their wisdom if they're given the chance.

As to the guy you like, he may be shy or not yet ready for romance. Give him some time to grow up and appreciate you, and he may start to like you, too.

DEAR ABBY: For the past 10 years or so, at bridal and baby showers I have attended, blank envelopes have been handed to guests upon arrival with instructions to self-address them. This, apparently, saves the gift recipient time having to address envelopes to the gift-givers.

I usually set the envelope aside and don't fill it out, but last week the guest of honor's mother handed me an envelope and pen and stood there until I completed the task.

After spending time and money shopping for and paying for a gift, I feel insulted having to address my own thank-you envelope!

Can you think of an appropriate response when I'm asked to participate in this insulting new party ritual? Or should I stay quiet and accept that most people are ignorant regarding good manners? -- INSULTED IN OHIO

DEAR INSULTED: How about this for a response: "After spending my time shopping for a gift, and my hard-earned money to pay for it, it is insulting to be expected to address my own thank-you envelope. If she likes the gift, she can address the envelope herself. If not, she can return the gift to me."

DEAR ABBY: Please tell parents and teachers to warn children that when they walk on the roads to walk facing the traffic. We have come up behind many people walking with their backs to the traffic, some of whom are listening to music or talking on their cellphones and don't even know anyone is around. -- COLLETTE IN NEWBURGH, MAINE

DEAR COLLETTE: I'm pleased to print your warning. There is a name for pedestrians who do as you have described and aren't aware of their surroundings or impending danger. It's "casualty."