DEAR ABBY: My son is single and enjoys vacationing with us every summer. He pays all his expenses.

My married daughter has become jealous. Her financial situation is such that I would have to pay her expenses if she were to vacation with us. We also have a compact SUV, so when our luggage is in the car, there's room for only one other person besides my wife and me.

Am I showing partiality to my son, who does not have a spouse to travel with and is able to pay his own way? Most years I guess we could afford to take my daughter and pay her expenses, but I feel her financial situation is the result of her own poor planning. -- DAD IN DES MOINES

DEAR DAD: I can see how hearing about the enjoyable trips your son shares with you every summer might sting when your daughter hears about them. But does she expect that you include her husband on these trips and pay his way, too? And what about the driving and luggage arrangements if her husband accompanies her? Also, if you invite only her, how would her husband feel about being left behind?

A more practical alternative would be to figure out some other activity you, your daughter and her spouse can enjoy together that doesn't involve travel.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow in love with a wonderful man. We have decided to live together for a few months before getting married. Had we done this with our former spouses, we could have avoided marriages that led to divorce.

My mother has always said living together before marriage is a good idea. That was, until I told her my fiance and I plan to. She went ballistic! She said it's OK for others, but not her daughter. Her main concern is what people may think or say to her. I told her to simply say, "It's my daughter's business, and she's old enough to make her own decisions."

I'm upset by Mother's reaction. She seems to think that because she gave me life she has the right to run it. I'm a mature, responsible adult who can make her own life decisions. What do you think? -- SHACKING UP IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SHACKING UP: I think that as a mature, responsible adult, you need to do what is right for you. Your mother comes from a generation when standards were more strait-laced and judgmental than they are today. So remember she loves you, forgive her for "going ballistic" and agree to disagree.

DEAR ABBY: I am madly in love (infatuated?) with my surgeon. I had a bilateral mastectomy and he saved my life. The cancer is gone.

It has been almost a year, and I need to return for a checkup. I haven't stopped thinking about "Dr. Dreamy" this entire year. We are both in our 40s; I'm single, he's single. Would it be unethical if I act on my feelings and let him know? Should I get another doctor? Or do I just go to the appointment and "grin and 'bare' it"? Help! -- "GEORGE" ON MY MIND IN PHOENIX

DEAR "GEORGE" ON YOUR MIND: You have nothing to lose by baring your soul as well as the rest of you at the time of your checkup. However, if there is mutual interest, it would be unethical of Dr. Dreamy to become involved with you while you are his patient.

DEAR ABBY: My wife had an unhappy five-year marriage to her high school boyfriend. They divorced when their son, "Noah," was 20 months old. Then she met me, and we have been married for 34 happy years.

I adopted Noah with the consent of his birth father, who also remarried and had a family. My wife and I added a daughter to ours.

I was aware that Noah had re-established contact with his birth father and half-siblings. We supported it. But we were blindsided when Noah told us he plans to take back his original surname. He says it isn't "personal," but he wants his children to have their "rightful" name and know their "true" lineage.

Abby, we are hurt and confused. This has caused a painful rift in the family. Please help. -- NOAH'S REAL DAD IN NEW YORK

DEAR REAL DAD: I strongly believe that the people who raise a child are that child's "true" parents, regardless of whether the child meets his or her birth parents. Is there any ill will between you and Noah? Could there be money or prestige connected with Noah's birth father's name, which could account for what's happened?

After investing 34 years of yourself in that child, you have reason to feel hurt. Family counseling might smooth some of this over. I am sorry for your loss.

DEAR ABBY: My 20th high school reunion is coming up, and I'm extremely excited. The main activity has been planned for the Saturday evening. One member of the reunion committee has been put in charge of scheduling other activities such as a picnic. She has planned a hike.

I love hikes, but the hike she has planned is a strenuous trail that gains 2,000 feet of altitude over three-quarters of a mile. My hometown is already at a high altitude, and for those of us who no longer live there, it takes some getting used to. And, quite honestly, not all of us are in good enough shape to do this kind of hike.

I'm disappointed that this woman is scheduling an activity that seems so noninclusive. Many of my classmates feel the same. Some of us have discussed making our own plans for a safer activity everyone can participate in. What are your thoughts? Can we plan alternative events on our own without offending the reunion committee? -- CLASS OF '91 ALUMNA

DEAR ALUMNA: Rather than make alternative plans on your own, you and your former classmates who feel the hike would be too much should inform the reunion committee. Have the reunion committee come up with alternative plans for that afternoon. There could be medical reasons why some of you shouldn't indulge in strenuous activity (as well as lack of interest.) And remember, attendance at the reunion activities is voluntary, not compulsory.

DEAR ABBY: Now that we have arrived at that time of year when weddings are at their peak, would you please let us know if written thank-yous are still appropriate and proper?

My husband's niece was married last December, and my mother-in-law told her, "No one sends thank-yous anymore." I thought that on this, above all occasions, a thank-you for a wedding gift is necessary. Or am I crazy? -- TAKEN ABACK IN COLORADO

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: You're not crazy. A gift for any occasion should be acknowledged. The proper way to do that is in the form of a written note thanking the person. It does not have to be long, fancy or flowery -- just sincere. And prompt!

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing you about a disgusting, rude and, in my opinion, obscene habit -- the bride and groom shoving wedding cake in each other's faces. The couple are all dressed up in their beautiful finery. They have a wonderful ceremony and a perfect reception table. How rude and insensitive to the person he or she has just promised before God to love, honor and cherish -- not to mention disrespectful.

What do you think of this "custom," and do you agree with me? -- FAITHFUL LITTLE ROCK READER

DEAR FAITHFUL: I do agree with you. The cake-in-the-face custom should have been retired at least 50 years ago. The significance of the "ritual" is extremely demeaning to women.

According to the book "Curious Customs" by Tad Tuleja (Stonesong Press, 1987): "The cake-cutting at modern weddings is a four-step comedic ritual that sustains masculine prerogatives in the very act of supposedly subverting them.

"... in the first step of the comedy, the groom helps direct the bride's hand -- a symbolic demonstration of male control that was unnecessary in the days of more tractable women. She accepts this gesture and, as a further proof of submissiveness, performs the second step of the ritual, offering him the first bite of cake, the gustatory equivalent of her body, which he will have the right to 'partake of' later.

"In the third step, the master-servant relationship is temporarily upset, as the bride mischievously pushes the cake into her new husband's face. ... Significantly, this act of revolt is performed in a childish fashion, and the groom is able to endure it without losing face because it ironically demonstrates his superiority: His bride is an imp needing supervision.

"That the bride herself accepts this view of this is demonstrated in the ritual's final step, in which she wipes the goo apologetically from his face. This brings the play back to the beginning, as she is once again obedient to his wiser judgment. Thus, the entire tableau may be seen as a dramatization of the tensions in favor of the dominance of the male."

DEAR ABBY: After 24 years of a committed relationship with my boyfriend, "Jesse" -- who I thought was my knight in shining armor -- I have decided to end it because he doesn't want to marry me or have children with me. We're in our 40s now and have dated since high school. We don't live together.

If I leave Jesse, I know I'll be broken-hearted, but there's another man, "Pete," I have known almost my entire life, who has made it clear he'd like to be more than friends. I have recently found myself becoming more and more attracted to him.

Should I allow the friendship with Pete to develop into an intimate one, or could it spell disaster? -- MIXED UP IN MONTANA

DEAR MIXED UP: Because Jesse refuses to make a commitment, you're right to end the romance. Frankly, I'm surprised you hung on as long as you have. However, before becoming intimate with Pete, be sure you clearly understand what he means by "more than friends," or you could wind up in another long-term relationship that's headed nowhere. See him for a while and find out if he's serious and whether your values and goals are similar. And if he's not The One, recognize it and keep moving on.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)