DEAR ABBY: My wife had an unhappy five-year marriage to her high school boyfriend. They divorced when their son, "Noah," was 20 months old. Then she met me, and we have been married for 34 happy years.

I adopted Noah with the consent of his birth father, who also remarried and had a family. My wife and I added a daughter to ours.

I was aware that Noah had re-established contact with his birth father and half-siblings. We supported it. But we were blindsided when Noah told us he plans to take back his original surname. He says it isn't "personal," but he wants his children to have their "rightful" name and know their "true" lineage.

Abby, we are hurt and confused. This has caused a painful rift in the family. Please help. -- NOAH'S REAL DAD IN NEW YORK

DEAR REAL DAD: I strongly believe that the people who raise a child are that child's "true" parents, regardless of whether the child meets his or her birth parents. Is there any ill will between you and Noah? Could there be money or prestige connected with Noah's birth father's name, which could account for what's happened?

After investing 34 years of yourself in that child, you have reason to feel hurt. Family counseling might smooth some of this over. I am sorry for your loss.

DEAR ABBY: My 20th high school reunion is coming up, and I'm extremely excited. The main activity has been planned for the Saturday evening. One member of the reunion committee has been put in charge of scheduling other activities such as a picnic. She has planned a hike.

I love hikes, but the hike she has planned is a strenuous trail that gains 2,000 feet of altitude over three-quarters of a mile. My hometown is already at a high altitude, and for those of us who no longer live there, it takes some getting used to. And, quite honestly, not all of us are in good enough shape to do this kind of hike.

I'm disappointed that this woman is scheduling an activity that seems so noninclusive. Many of my classmates feel the same. Some of us have discussed making our own plans for a safer activity everyone can participate in. What are your thoughts? Can we plan alternative events on our own without offending the reunion committee? -- CLASS OF '91 ALUMNA

DEAR ALUMNA: Rather than make alternative plans on your own, you and your former classmates who feel the hike would be too much should inform the reunion committee. Have the reunion committee come up with alternative plans for that afternoon. There could be medical reasons why some of you shouldn't indulge in strenuous activity (as well as lack of interest.) And remember, attendance at the reunion activities is voluntary, not compulsory.

DEAR ABBY: Now that we have arrived at that time of year when weddings are at their peak, would you please let us know if written thank-yous are still appropriate and proper?

My husband's niece was married last December, and my mother-in-law told her, "No one sends thank-yous anymore." I thought that on this, above all occasions, a thank-you for a wedding gift is necessary. Or am I crazy? -- TAKEN ABACK IN COLORADO

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: You're not crazy. A gift for any occasion should be acknowledged. The proper way to do that is in the form of a written note thanking the person. It does not have to be long, fancy or flowery -- just sincere. And prompt!

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing you about a disgusting, rude and, in my opinion, obscene habit -- the bride and groom shoving wedding cake in each other's faces. The couple are all dressed up in their beautiful finery. They have a wonderful ceremony and a perfect reception table. How rude and insensitive to the person he or she has just promised before God to love, honor and cherish -- not to mention disrespectful.

What do you think of this "custom," and do you agree with me? -- FAITHFUL LITTLE ROCK READER

DEAR FAITHFUL: I do agree with you. The cake-in-the-face custom should have been retired at least 50 years ago. The significance of the "ritual" is extremely demeaning to women.

According to the book "Curious Customs" by Tad Tuleja (Stonesong Press, 1987): "The cake-cutting at modern weddings is a four-step comedic ritual that sustains masculine prerogatives in the very act of supposedly subverting them.

"... in the first step of the comedy, the groom helps direct the bride's hand -- a symbolic demonstration of male control that was unnecessary in the days of more tractable women. She accepts this gesture and, as a further proof of submissiveness, performs the second step of the ritual, offering him the first bite of cake, the gustatory equivalent of her body, which he will have the right to 'partake of' later.

"In the third step, the master-servant relationship is temporarily upset, as the bride mischievously pushes the cake into her new husband's face. ... Significantly, this act of revolt is performed in a childish fashion, and the groom is able to endure it without losing face because it ironically demonstrates his superiority: His bride is an imp needing supervision.

"That the bride herself accepts this view of this is demonstrated in the ritual's final step, in which she wipes the goo apologetically from his face. This brings the play back to the beginning, as she is once again obedient to his wiser judgment. Thus, the entire tableau may be seen as a dramatization of the tensions in favor of the dominance of the male."

DEAR ABBY: After 24 years of a committed relationship with my boyfriend, "Jesse" -- who I thought was my knight in shining armor -- I have decided to end it because he doesn't want to marry me or have children with me. We're in our 40s now and have dated since high school. We don't live together.

If I leave Jesse, I know I'll be broken-hearted, but there's another man, "Pete," I have known almost my entire life, who has made it clear he'd like to be more than friends. I have recently found myself becoming more and more attracted to him.

Should I allow the friendship with Pete to develop into an intimate one, or could it spell disaster? -- MIXED UP IN MONTANA

DEAR MIXED UP: Because Jesse refuses to make a commitment, you're right to end the romance. Frankly, I'm surprised you hung on as long as you have. However, before becoming intimate with Pete, be sure you clearly understand what he means by "more than friends," or you could wind up in another long-term relationship that's headed nowhere. See him for a while and find out if he's serious and whether your values and goals are similar. And if he's not The One, recognize it and keep moving on.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl and my family is important to me. I really wish I could treat them better. My mom and I always fight. She says little things and I get mad at her. I feel bad for snapping at her and my sisters all the time because I really want them to know how much they mean to me. They are the best family you could ever get, and I just push them away.

Mom is going through a lot of health problems, and I know my being mean won't help her get better. Abby, help me, please. -- TEENAGE GIRL IN OHIO

DEAR TEENAGE GIRL: The first thing you need to remember is that because your mother is experiencing health problems, she may not be at her best -- which is why she says some of those "little things" that make you angry. Before you react and take them personally, you need to remind yourself that she may be having a bad day.

When you are upset and under stress, you should not take it out on your sisters. A better way to cope would be, rather than saying something hurtful, to leave the room or take a walk and organize your thoughts. You'll then be better able to communicate your feelings in a rational way and avoid a fight.

Please try it. These are skills that take practice, but if you master them they will serve you for a lifetime. Now, go hug your mother, tell her you love her and apologize.

DEAR ABBY: I am extremely overweight (5-foot-6 and 331 pounds). I am 38 years old, and the weight is now catching up with me. It hurts to get up in the morning. My knees hurt walking up the stairs, and I can't bear to look at myself (to the point that I will not go out except to work). I have started to pull away from my family.

"Just lose the weight"? Easier said than done! I lost 110 pounds, then gained it back and more. I don't know who to turn to, but I know I need help. -- TOO BIG TO ENJOY LIFE

DEAR TOO BIG: I'm glad you wrote, because I'm going to recommend a multi-pronged approach. The first person to contact is your physician, and tell him or her that you are ready to take off the weight and you need help. Then ask for a referral to a psychologist, to help you understand the emotional reasons you have put on so much weight, and also an American Dietetic Association-registered nutritionist who can help you craft a healthy eating program that works for you.

You will also have to make some lifestyle changes, but they will save your life. And remember, losing weight will take time. You didn't put it on overnight; it won't come off overnight. But by writing to me you have already taken your first step in the right direction, and I'm urging you to continue moving down the same path.

DEAR ABBY: We are stumped about how to handle a situation with our grandchildren. Is it OK to set different rules in our home than they have in their own home?

We are inclined to limit running or wrestling indoors, but our daughter (their mother) doesn't feel that's necessary. At different times both children have been injured or gotten into trouble that could have been avoided by having a "no running or wrestling inside" rule. Is it our place to establish rules for our home? -- CONCERNED IN TEXAS

DEAR C.I.T.: Absolutely, and without question it is your place to establish the rules of conduct in your household!