DEAR ABBY: With so many families moving in with relatives because of personal struggles in their lives, I thought it might be helpful to offer a few suggestions to help this work for everyone. If you move in with relatives:

1. Do not assume they won't mind if you store everything you own in their garage. Get rid of it or pay for a storage unit.

2. Help with the housework, even if they say, "Oh, don't bother." And keep your space clean and orderly and assist in keeping a shared bathroom tidy.

3. Show you appreciate having a place to stay. Feed pets, carry out the trash, rake leaves or shovel snow.

4. Do your own laundry. Ask when is the most convenient time to do it. Don't leave clothes in the washer or dryer, which prevents others from washing their own things.

5. If you are paying something toward your stay, don't think that precludes your helping in the home.

6. Work out the food arrangements. Maybe you have a shelf or drawer in the fridge for your food. Prepare your own meals unless everyone agrees to share cooking duties and food budgets.

7. If you don't have a job, keep looking. Don't lie around watching TV, sleeping or playing on the computer.

8. Never gossip about the household. You owe it to the family who took you in.

9. Do try to set a departure date. If things change, discuss it. When in doubt, talk it out.

To those who are going through this, I wish you luck and better times ahead. -- LOVING FAMILY MEMBER

DEAR FAMILY MEMBER: Your letter is timely because, for various reasons, millions of Americans now live in multifamily and intergenerational households. For some of them, the arrangement will be temporary. For others, it is cultural, practical and will be permanent. Whatever the reasons for cohabiting, the suggestions you submitted are thought-provoking and worth space in my column. Thank you for raising the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for nine years to an outwardly sweet, but deceptive woman who cheated and left me. We have two children. A custody battle is waging, and the divorce has not been finalized due to financial disputes.

I have found myself with a dilemma. I am not a bad-looking guy, and women come on to me during social events. On the occasion that I find myself attracted and ask a woman out, I end up telling her the whole divorce/custody story no matter how hard I try to avoid it or change the subject. After the date, I regret the conversation.

How should these issues be discussed with a potential lover? I have avoided commitment because of all the "baby mama drama" some of the women had, but I'm now seriously interested in someone and she's receptive to seeing me. I'm a free-spirited person and this problem is weighing me down. Please advise, Abby. -- "STUCK" IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR "STUCK": Because you are seriously interested, do the honorable thing and let her know in advance that a relationship with you may be complicated because your divorce isn't final, and the reasons why. If she's as interested in you as you are in her, she will respect you for it. If your almost-ex is vindictive, your new lady will need to be prepared for it.

DEAR ABBY: I was a victim of domestic abuse by my wife, and I don't feel I have been treated fairly. There are many programs for abused women, but I haven't found any for men. This problem is more common than people realize, but men are embarrassed to say anything. I'd like my voice to be heard to encourage men to speak up.

I did not hit my wife back after she beat on me. I still love her, but I refuse to be abused any longer. Abby, please help me help myself and others. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS

DEAR BILL: Gladly. Among the problems with spousal abuse is that it escalates. Over the last decade domestic violence groups have become more aware of female-to-male domestic violence and violent behavior in same-sex relationships, and are better prepared to offer help than they used to be. That's why it's important you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. Counselors there offer guidance to women and men who are being abused by their spouse or partner.

Another organization, SAFE (Stop Abuse for Everyone), also assists victims of abuse regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. Its website is www.safe4all.org.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is divorced with two children. She has been dating a man who has three children. Recently, they decided to move in together. All the children are first grade or younger.

What would be the proper way to handle birthdays?

If my daughter and her boyfriend were married, or even engaged, I wouldn't have a problem sending gifts to his children. But since my husband and I hardly know this man (we live in another state and have met him only once or twice), we're not sure how to handle this. Should we just continue to send birthday gifts to our daughter's kids and nothing but cards to his? Or would that look bad? What's the proper thing? -- FAIR-MINDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FAIR-MINDED: Your daughter and grandchildren have formed a household with her boyfriend and his kids. If you're compassionate people, you will treat all of the children equally for as long as the relationship lasts. If they decide to marry, which is a possibility, you will wind up being grandparents to all of them. If they eventually separate, you will have done the right thing and lent some stability and happiness to those children's lives.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is divorced with two children. She has been dating a man who has three children. Recently, they decided to move in together. All the children are first grade or younger.

What would be the proper way to handle birthdays?

If my daughter and her boyfriend were married, or even engaged, I wouldn't have a problem sending gifts to his children. But since my husband and I hardly know this man (we live in another state and have met him only once or twice), we're not sure how to handle this. Should we just continue to send birthday gifts to our daughter's kids and nothing but cards to his? Or would that look bad? What's the proper thing? -- FAIR-MINDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FAIR-MINDED: Your daughter and grandchildren have formed a household with her boyfriend and his kids. If you're compassionate people, you will treat all of the children equally for as long as the relationship lasts. If they decide to marry, which is a possibility, you will wind up being grandparents to all of them. If they eventually separate, you will have done the right thing and lent some stability and happiness to those children's lives.

DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe your response to "Stumped and Trumped in Ohio" (May 12). You made a point of saying to the father that his daughter and her boyfriend are in his house and they should abide by his rules and sleep in separate bedrooms. It's his wife's house, too, and she thought it was fine for them to share a room. Since when should the man's opinion automatically trump the woman's?

Furthermore, what about hypocrisy? He admitted that he and his wife were indulging in "premarital mambo," as he so quaintly puts it. In this day and age, you can assume his daughter and the boyfriend are as well, especially since they wanted to stay in the same room. So it was OK for him, but it's offensive when they do it?

Nonetheless, it is the parents' house. If they had mutually agreed that the youngsters should sleep in separate rooms, so be it. This is something the husband and wife should have worked out together before "Julie" brought her boyfriend home for a visit. But in saying it's the man's house and everyone should abide by the man's rules, you insulted women everywhere. -- BURNED UP IN SPRINGFIELD, N.J.

DEAR BURNED UP: You're right. I was clumsy. While I agree with you that the writer and his wife should have reached a mutual agreement before the daughter and her boyfriend arrived, they didn't. Call me a stick-in-the-mud, but I don't think an unmarried houseguest has a "right" to share a bedroom if either parent is uncomfortable with it. And while the father may know his daughter is having sex, theoretically, I'm sure he isn't the only parent who would prefer it was "out of sight, out of mind." Readers were divided about this:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I were dating, and even after he moved in with me before we married, whenever we visited his parents' home, I always slept in the guest room. Why? Out of respect for his parents' wishes. It was never something that was asked of me. I did it out of respect for someone else's home.

This man's wife caved under false pressure. The daughter will visit just as often. Sleeping arrangements rarely stop someone from visiting. If the new boyfriend stops accompanying her, then everyone should realize he's not worth his salt. Respectful adults don't just "happen"; they are raised that way. -- REBECCA IN ST. PAUL

DEAR ABBY: Today's letter had my blood boiling. I wholeheartedly agree that rules of a household should be respected. However, the father's objection to his daughter and her boyfriend sleeping in the same room isn't about respecting his "wishes." He's upset because he's trying to control his daughter, and he isn't willing to accept that she's grown up and deserves the same freedom he and his wife had. I'm surprised you encouraged him, given that he made it clear he had no problem with premarital sex. He's a blatant hypocrite. -- CAITLIN IN L.A.

DEAR ABBY: I think guests, including children and grandchildren, who live together in today's world should be allowed to share a room. Times have changed. Prudishness is out of date. -- REALISTIC CONTEMPORARY GRANDMA

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband and I married, we visited my straitlaced aunt. Neither of us expected to sleep together there. If you don't want someone's morals imposed on you, what gives you the right to impose your looser morals on them? -- DIANE IN SOUTH CAROLINA