DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe your response to "Stumped and Trumped in Ohio" (May 12). You made a point of saying to the father that his daughter and her boyfriend are in his house and they should abide by his rules and sleep in separate bedrooms. It's his wife's house, too, and she thought it was fine for them to share a room. Since when should the man's opinion automatically trump the woman's?

Furthermore, what about hypocrisy? He admitted that he and his wife were indulging in "premarital mambo," as he so quaintly puts it. In this day and age, you can assume his daughter and the boyfriend are as well, especially since they wanted to stay in the same room. So it was OK for him, but it's offensive when they do it?

Nonetheless, it is the parents' house. If they had mutually agreed that the youngsters should sleep in separate rooms, so be it. This is something the husband and wife should have worked out together before "Julie" brought her boyfriend home for a visit. But in saying it's the man's house and everyone should abide by the man's rules, you insulted women everywhere. -- BURNED UP IN SPRINGFIELD, N.J.

DEAR BURNED UP: You're right. I was clumsy. While I agree with you that the writer and his wife should have reached a mutual agreement before the daughter and her boyfriend arrived, they didn't. Call me a stick-in-the-mud, but I don't think an unmarried houseguest has a "right" to share a bedroom if either parent is uncomfortable with it. And while the father may know his daughter is having sex, theoretically, I'm sure he isn't the only parent who would prefer it was "out of sight, out of mind." Readers were divided about this:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I were dating, and even after he moved in with me before we married, whenever we visited his parents' home, I always slept in the guest room. Why? Out of respect for his parents' wishes. It was never something that was asked of me. I did it out of respect for someone else's home.

This man's wife caved under false pressure. The daughter will visit just as often. Sleeping arrangements rarely stop someone from visiting. If the new boyfriend stops accompanying her, then everyone should realize he's not worth his salt. Respectful adults don't just "happen"; they are raised that way. -- REBECCA IN ST. PAUL

DEAR ABBY: Today's letter had my blood boiling. I wholeheartedly agree that rules of a household should be respected. However, the father's objection to his daughter and her boyfriend sleeping in the same room isn't about respecting his "wishes." He's upset because he's trying to control his daughter, and he isn't willing to accept that she's grown up and deserves the same freedom he and his wife had. I'm surprised you encouraged him, given that he made it clear he had no problem with premarital sex. He's a blatant hypocrite. -- CAITLIN IN L.A.

DEAR ABBY: I think guests, including children and grandchildren, who live together in today's world should be allowed to share a room. Times have changed. Prudishness is out of date. -- REALISTIC CONTEMPORARY GRANDMA

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband and I married, we visited my straitlaced aunt. Neither of us expected to sleep together there. If you don't want someone's morals imposed on you, what gives you the right to impose your looser morals on them? -- DIANE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Because my 90-year-old mother is homebound, she qualifies for a meal program through a senior charity service. The program is free of charge for those in need. She didn't like some of the meals, so she asked me to give them to my father-in-law, "Louis."

Louis is 88. He still drives and is well-off, so he doesn't qualify for the program, but he accepted the meals that were offered. My mother has now decided she can no longer eat any of these meals, so I told her we should discontinue the program.

When I mentioned it to my wife, she became very upset with me, saying her father appreciated those meals. I reminded her that her father is able to drive himself to the supermarket and buy frozen dinners similar to what is being provided through the service. My wife is so angry she now says she will never again share any leftovers with my mother. It's an understatement to say this situation has created a major fight between us.

Is my wife correct in being upset about my discontinuing the meal service? -- CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME

DEAR CHARITY: It wasn't wrong to offer the meals that had already been delivered to your mother to your father-in-law after she rejected them. They probably could not have been redistributed to other seniors by the food program at that point.

But to continue your mother's food service while redirecting them to someone who is not in need is dishonest. It's stealing necessary resources from people who truly need them.

Because your wife is upset, she should contact the agency that provides the meals, or another agency that serves seniors, and see if her father qualifies. But she shouldn't punish you for refusing to go along with a deception.

DEAR ABBY: Twice, while attending social funtions, my wife and I met couples for the first time. On each of these occasions as we were saying goodbye, the husbands said to me, "Your wife is gorgeous." They said it in front of their wives, which surprised me. The first time it happened, I didn't know what to say. The second time, I replied, "So is yours," even though the women weren't all that attractive.

I'm wondering if their comments were appropriate, especially because they were made in the presence of their wives. I wasn't offended, just caught off-guard and felt uncomfortable for their wives. I'd appreciate your comments. -- MARRIED TO A KNOCKOUT

DEAR MARRIED TO A KNOCKOUT: Not only do you have a gorgeous wife, but your wife is blessed with a sensitive husband. The comments those individuals made strike me as insensitive to the feelings of their wives because it invited a comparison which could have made the women feel uncomfortable. I think you handled both situations gallantly.

DEAR ABBY: What does it mean when someone signs his/her name with a "Just" in front of it? I received a Mother's Day card from my in-laws (with whom I don't have a good relationship) and it was signed, "Just Bob and Diane."

I have not seen anyone do this before, and was curious if this was another form of my mother-in-law's cattiness or my ignorance. -- SINCERELY YOURS IN SAVANNAH

DEAR SINCERELY: If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that Bob and Diane may have a bit of a self-esteem problem. Or they're telling you you don't make them feel very important. Could that be true?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 38-year-old man who is in love with a 45-year-old woman. She was married for 20 years and has three children. She was separated for two years before we started dating.

She and her ex are extremely civil, and she spends nights at his house in order to see the children. I support her in this because I don't ever want her to feel like I'm making her choose. Her ex doesn't want her back, nor does she want to reconcile. They are friends.

This morning she had an appointment with a divorce lawyer and came home saying she isn't ready to do it. She's afraid her ex will become vindictive and use the kids as leverage. I told her there are custody arrangements that protect both parents. She says she loves me, but she's worried that it isn't fair for me. I told her relationships aren't always "fair." She expressed that when she's with her kids she misses me and vice-versa.

I don't know what to say or do. I love her, but how do I comfort her? -- STANDING BY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STANDING BY: Your lady friend may be separated from her husband, but she's not yet ready to move on. Or, the lawyer may have said something that frightened her. You're doing all you can to comfort her. But she may need professional counseling and more time before she's ready to take the next step and end the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My husband comes from a line of men in his family who don't like to go to the doctor. I can't remember the last time he went for a physical. He puts off going even when he has an ailment.

We have three young children, and I'm genuinely concerned that my husband could one day have a sudden health emergency or a life-threatening illness that could have been prevented if it had been discovered in time. We love him with all our hearts and just want him to get an annual physical to stay healthy and be with us for many, many years to come. PLEASE help him see the importance of regular exams. -- LOVING WIFE IN OHIO

DEAR LOVING WIFE: Let's do it together. There are reasons why men have a shorter life expectancy than women in this country. I'm sad to say that one of them is fear of going to the doctor. Because today is Father's Day, remind your husband that he has a family who loves him and needs him healthy. Remind your husband that if anything should happen to him he would leave all of you not only heartbroken but also likely struggling financially. He needs to understand that the greatest gift he can give all of you would be to schedule an appointment with his physician for a baseline checkup.

DEAR READERS: I offer good wishes not only to fathers everywhere, but also to those caring individuals who donate their time to mentor youngsters whose fathers are absent or deceased.

Many readers have asked me for a prayer in memory of a father who is no longer living. The following prayer is from the Hebrew Union Prayer Book, and is recited on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. It is also available in my "Keepers" booklet:

IN MEMORY OF A FATHER

"Thy memory, my dear father, fills my soul at this solemn hour. It revives in me thoughts of the love and friendliness which thou didst bestow upon me. The thought of these inspires me to a life of virtue; and when my pilgrimage on earth is ended and I shall arrive at the throne of mercy, may I be worthy of thee in the sight of God and man. May our merciful Father reward thee for the faithfulness and kindness thou has ever shown me; may He grant thee eternal peace. Amen."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)