DEAR ABBY: It has recently come to my attention that at work I am considered "bossy." It came as a shock to me. I'm hurt that my co-workers and department manager think of me this way.

I know I come on strong sometimes when it comes to helping customers, but I view it as helping. When I suggest to co-workers that they keep their areas clean and orderly, it is perceived as bossy. I'm just trying to help them not get fired for slacking off.

I'm older than some of my co-workers and my manager. I tried for the manager position, and was initially angry when someone else got it. But now I see she does a good job, and I respect her. It seems, however, that my actions have sent the wrong message. What can I do to mend fences? Or, should I just forget about it and look for something else? -- MISJUDGED IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR MISJUDGED: No, you should apologize to anyone you might have offended. And, as well-intentioned as you are, in the future resist the urge to correct your fellow employees. Your job is to be part of a team, not a scolding schoolmarm. Sometimes it's how you say something, not necessarily what was said, that's the problem.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Alana," has a 7-year-old son my husband and I have helped to raise while she got her life together and pursued her lucrative career. "Tristan" excels in school and is a great little man. The problem is, every time Alana gets a new boyfriend, she rushes to make the boyfriend Tristan's "daddy."

The men my daughter chooses are crude, rude and, without fail, feel a need to "straighten out" Tristan. My grandson does not need straightening out because he is polite, engaging and a good soul. The newest guy in Alana's life, "Jeff," told me point blank that if Alana doesn't stop babying her son, Tristan will grow up to be a girl! This man is homophobic, sexist, racist and controlling.

Alana claims she's "in love" and fails to see the potential harm this guy could inflict on Tristan. We do not employ corporal punishment, but Jeff has already said (several times) he would "beat his butt"! What should we do? -- FEARFUL NANA IN GEORGIA

DEAR NANA: Where is your daughter meeting these people? It appears her taste in men is atrocious, and she has serious self-esteem issues. You and your husband need to get across to her how harmful it is for her to repeatedly introduce men to her son as "daddies." Parents should wait until they know their prospective mates well enough to be assured they won't injure the child physically or psychologically.

If Alana insists on marrying Jeff, offer to take Tristan to live with you. If that's not acceptable, the next time Jeff says he'll "beat Tristan's butt" respond point blank that if he lays a hand on your grandson, you'll report him to Child Protective Services.

You could also point out to your daughter that now that she has her life together and a "lucrative career," the last thing she would need is a scandal because she tolerated such a thing happening to her son. And while you're at it, make it plain that trying to "toughen up" a 7-year-old the way this man is suggesting would not only be counterproductive, it could damage him in ways she can't imagine.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am severely myopic and can't see without my prescription eyewear. Yet people continually ask me if they can "borrow" my glasses to read the menu. (I work as a hostess.) Abby, my glasses are not reading glasses; they are my eyes -- literally. When I explain this, I get snorts, grunts and muttered comments that I am "rude."

My husband says I should let them try on my glasses and cut out the explanation, as they would immediately realize that they can't see through them. I disagree. I think it is inappropriate to even ask, let alone become offended when I politely refuse.

Abby, I would like to explain the concept of reading glasses versus prescription eyewear: Most people do not walk around with reading glasses fully on their face. Reading glasses are often halfway down the nose or hanging around a person's neck so they don't impair his or her distance vision. If someone is wearing glasses full on their face -- they're usually not reading glasses. If a person is wearing glasses, do not ask to borrow them. Instead, ask if there is a pair of reading glasses at the wait station or host stand. -- THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND

DEAR "BLIND": I'm printing your letter, but I warn you -- there are none so blind as those who will not see. For a stranger to expect to borrow someone's glasses is presumptuous. If the bows were bent or the lenses were broken, you'd be in serious trouble.

Talk to your employer about keeping a magnifying glass or several pairs of reading glasses in various strengths available for patrons who have forgotten theirs. Many restaurants do. With our aging demographic, it's good business, because people order more when they can see the menu.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a female manager in a male-dominated field, and a high-level corporate executive. I am good at what I do, but sometimes I become impatient with subordinates who don't "get it" like I do. I admit I prefer the company of some over others.

Several years ago, a friendship with a subordinate turned into something more. I was -- and still am -- married with children. During this time I had to discharge another employee for substandard performance. Since he left he has sent me several unsolicited emails in which he has suggested that he knows about the affair I had with his former co-worker and feels he didn't receive fair treatment because of it.

My former lover is no longer with the company, and I have done everything I can to put this behind me. I still worry, however, that the employee I let go may someday make the company aware of my indiscretions, or worse, my family. Abby, is there anything I can do to set the whole thing right? -- THREATENED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR THREATENED: Let me get this straight. You say you are good at your job as a manager, but you lose patience with subordinates who don't "get" things as quickly as you do -- and play favorites among the employees in your department. If that's not a hostile work environment, it's at least one that's very unpleasant. And you had an affair with one of them? Didn't you know that you were leaving your company open to a lawsuit for sexual harassment? It appears that when you assumed the title of manager, you exceeded your level of competence.

You have gotten yourself into a jam from which I can't extricate you. Go to your superiors and tell them about the emails so the company can protect itself from a possible lawsuit for wrongful termination. Stop deluding yourself and face the consequences of any indiscretion you have made because you have placed not only yourself, but also your employer, in jeopardy.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old single male. I teach an adult Sunday school class. Two women who have joined our group have made it plain they would like to have a romantic relationship with me.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I'd like to meet someone special, too, but I'm not certain this is the right way. Please advise. -- TROUBLED TEACHER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TROUBLED TEACHER: Tell the women you have a policy that you do not date your students. To do otherwise would be distracting and disruptive to the class. Once they have "graduated," there is nothing to stop you from dating both of them. One may turn out to be that someone special you have been looking for, but if she's not, you'll have saved everyone from unnecessary drama.

DEAR ABBY: We are a gay couple who have been together for 37 years. We were recently invited to the wedding of a close nephew in San Antonio. The invitation was addressed to us both, and we flew 5,000 miles to attend.

At the ceremony, my partner, "Alan," was seated in front with the groom's family. While we were being shown to our seats, I was told by the groom's father, "Sorry. You can sit somewhere else." Alan and I were deeply offended.

How should we express our displeasure and prevent this from happening again when the niece marries? Do we have a right to say anything? -- SNUBBED IN HONOLULU

DEAR SNUBBED: Of course you do. The groom's father was extremely rude to separate you. The person who issued the wedding invitation should be informed of how offensive it was. And if it happens again, the two of you should respond, "We are a couple, and we sit together."

DEAR ABBY: My wife is a cancer survivor who is doing well. When a friend or relative learns she had cancer, a common response is, "Yeah, I knew someone who had the same kind of cancer. It was awful. It came back six months later and he/she died an agonizing, terrible death."

Abby, it's hard to remain polite around such thoughtless, moronic individuals when they blurt out something like this in my wife's presence. I can't imagine the fear she must experience hearing such remarks. Can you offer an effective retort? -- BAFFLED BY THE IGNORANCE

DEAR BAFFLED: Remarks such as you have described usually are made when people don't know what to say, so they blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. A polite response would be, "Thanks for your concern. My wife is doing great."

Of course the appropriate thing for friends and relatives to say would be, "I'm so glad you're better -- I care about you and I was worried." To raise the subject of someone who died from the disease is inappropriate and extremely insensitive. There's an old Portuguese proverb: Never mention a rope in the house of a man who has been hanged. It definitely applies here.