DEAR ABBY: My wife is a wonderful woman who did a great job of rearing our large family, but our house was often too cluttered to suit my mother who, in those years, was judgmental and critical of my wife.

Years later, things have changed. My father passed away, the kids are grown and gone, and my mother is growing more lonely and needy every day. She now wants to spend time with us, but because she never developed a close friendship with my wife, my wife tolerates her but doesn't welcome her.

I love them both, but I'm becoming frustrated having to constantly choose and juggle schedules so I can keep Mom's feelings from getting hurt. Abby, please tell mothers-in-law to build bridges while they can. Someday it may be too late. But any advice for me? -- SPREAD THIN IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR SPREAD THIN: Your cautionary tale deserves space in my column. When your wife joined the family, instead of building bridges, your mother dynamited them. It's not surprising your wife feels the way she does at the prospect of spending time with her mother-in-law. Of course, while some degree of compromise is necessary, your mother should also be encouraged to find activities and contemporaries whose company she can enjoy without expecting you to entertain her. And the person to do that is you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman in my mid-40s. Over the years I have diligently exercised, eaten right and taken good care of my skin. I keep my hairstyle and clothing up-to-date.

I am constantly taken to be much younger than I am. While some of my peers may be jealous of this "problem," I find it extremely annoying. It's especially bothersome in a business situation when someone my age or slightly older treats me as though he/she could be my parent.

I am not inclined to broadcast my age. Is there a professional way to deal with their condescending attitude? -- LOOKS YOUNGER, BUT ISN'T

DEAR LOOKS YOUNGER: Yes. First, take the chip off your shoulder. Then recognize that your colleagues may not be condescending; they may be trying to be helpful. Accept the suggestions they offer without becoming defensive. The more of themselves these "mentors" invest in you, the happier they'll be about your successes.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of almost a year and I have discovered a great technique to avoid screaming at each other in an argument. When we get aggravated with each other, one of us goes to the refrigerator, takes out one of our favorite candy bars (we keep a supply in there) and we split it. By the time we're done eating the candy, we can calmly discuss our disagreement.

This helps because we literally take a break from the situation and share a mutual joy. It works because we both love chocolate so much. We wanted to share this solution with your readers. -- SWEET TOOTH IN ANGLETON, TEXAS

DEAR SWEET TOOTH: Ingenious. The two of you have discovered yet another reason why chocolate is good for the heart. I hope as time goes by you'll sustain a high level of compatibility because otherwise you're going to weigh a ton.

DEAR ABBY: Memorial Day is not about war; it's about people. It's about those dedicated individuals -- most of them young -- who died serving their country and their fellow Americans as well as future generations. In other words, all of us.

We Americans are at our best when we come together bonded by a noble purpose. And that's the reason for the National Moment of Remembrance on Memorial Day.

Abby, your patriotism and compassion have helped us in our effort to unite the more than 311 million Americans who live in this land of the free and home of the brave. Please remind your millions of readers to come together by pausing for a moment at 3 p.m. local time, wherever they are, to acknowledge the sacrifice of our fallen.

Unfortunately, too many of our citizens forget to remember. I am determined to find ways to help America continue to pay tribute to the nearly 2 million men and women who have died for us. Our freedoms should remind us of their sacrifice and our debt to them.

It is our duty to never forget them, to keep them in our hearts and in our actions. They were the best of the best -- the pride of the USA. We owe them the commitment to reflect on what they did and to put remembrance into action. This means to give back to our country and to live honoring them every day, not just on Memorial Day.

Thank you for all you do to honor America's heroes. -- CARMELLA LASPADA, FOUNDER, NO GREATER LOVE

DEAR CARMELLA: You're welcome. I hope readers will heed your request to offer a silent tribute this afternoon to the men and women who have given their lives in the service of this country. Considering the magnitude of their sacrifice, it's the least we can do.

To all of my friends out there -- please join me, as well as the iron workers, sheet metal workers, firefighters and painters unions and thousands of AFL-CIO members who have supported the Moment since its inception, in a moment of silence at 3 p.m. Today, as in the past, major league baseball games will stop, customers and staff will pause in more than 30,000 grocery stores throughout the country, and, of course, personnel serving in the military around the world will observe it, too. To learn what others are doing today, visit www.ngl.org.

May our fallen rest in peace; may our country once again live in peace as well.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter visited us for a week with her two children. The older one, "Wendy," age 9, was always "finding" money -- in the parking lot, the driveway and other places. After they left, we discovered cash missing from our car and the savings jar in our house.

I called my daughter to inform her of our discovery, and in a nonchalant, what's-the-big-deal voice she said, "OK, Dad, how much did she take? I'll write a check."

I told her the money isn't the problem. The fact that Wendy is stealing is the problem. My daughter thinks I'm attacking my granddaughter and is no longer speaking to me. What should I do? -- TAKEN BY SURPRISE IN OHIO

DEAR TAKEN BY SURPRISE: Clearly your phone call wasn't the first time your daughter has heard that Wendy has stolen. Whether the problem is lack of character, lack of parenting or an emotional issue, the child needs professional help. But unless her mother is willing to do more about it than write a check, there is nothing you or I can do to help your granddaughter. (If no corrective action is taken, I predict Mom will be writing bigger and bigger checks.)

You did the responsible thing by informing your daughter. As to what to do next, if they visit again, put any valuables under lock and key.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is gentle, romantic, strong, kind and considerate. He's the "perfect 10." The problem is, I think he has an "afternoon delight."

He's home every night and tells me every day that he loves me. We have been married many years. We're young at heart, but not so young in years. I'm not asking for advice, because leaving him is not an option. The signs have been there, and I have proof. Our home life is good.

I just want to understand why this has been going on. Do some men need more than just marriage? -- FOR BETTER OR WORSE, TRENTON, N.J.

DEAR BETTER OR WORSE: There is a name for men who need more than just marriage. They are called bachelors. Married men who stray are known as cheaters and adulterers. If your husband has someone on the side, then the surest way to find out why it's happening is to inform him the jig is up, explain that you have proof, and demand an explanation.

DEAR ABBY: It has been a long time since I've told a man I'm interested in him or that I really like him. What advice could you give me to keep me from feeling like an idiot and saying the wrong thing? He's a special guy and I don't want to screw this up. -- NERVOUS IN READING, PA.

DEAR NERVOUS: Do it gradually. Start out by describing the qualities he has that you find special -- his sense of humor, his intellect, his style of dress, his wonderful manners, how kindly he treats others. Another time, tell him how much you enjoy his company, and how comfortable you feel with him because of the things you have in common. Tell him he looks wonderful if he makes the extra effort.

Paying compliments will get your message across. Unless he walks around with his head in a bucket, he'll understand what you're trying to convey. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently found out that I am pregnant. We are, of course, very excited. We have decided to wait until I have completed my first trimester before telling family and friends.

We are friends with a couple who is having a difficult time getting pregnant, and we want to be sensitive to their feelings. We attend the same church and we plan on announcing our pregnancy in church. Do you think we should inform the couple privately? If so, what should we say? -- FRIENDS IN TEXAS

DEAR FRIENDS: The thoughtful thing to do would be to approach the couple shortly before you make the public announcement and tell them that you will be announcing the pregnancy in church -- but because you are so close, you thought they should know first.

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my boyfriend, "Doug," gave me a promise ring. I was proud and happy to show it to everyone. But Doug's parents, siblings and his three children don't know he has given me the ring.

It feels odd that he's keeping this milestone of our relationship a secret. He says it's because he's a private person and doesn't tell his family about his personal life. What do you think about this? -- SECRETLY PROMISED IN PORTLAND, MAINE

DEAR SECRETLY PROMISED: I think Doug may not yet be ready to settle down. Or, he may have strained relationships with his parents, siblings and three children.

Before this romance goes any further, you need to be very clear on exactly what Doug is "promising" because this scenario doesn't ring true from where I'm sitting.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)