DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school and about to graduate. The week after graduation, one of my close friends is getting married. I have no qualms about the marriage, but I'm confused about the pre-wedding parties.

The bride and groom are registered at three stores and have had a Tupperware party already. However, I have received an invitation to a lingerie party to which guests have been instructed to bring the bride lingerie with gift receipts attached.

Am I wrong in thinking that buying intimate apparel is the responsibility of the couple? I plan to buy them a wedding gift from the registry, but I feel odd being asked to essentially contribute to their sex life. Abby, if I decline the invitation, what would be the proper way to do it? -- BRINGING A BLENDER IN MONTANA

DEAR B.A.B.: If you are unable to attend the shower, all you need to say is you're unavailable on that date. You do not have to give a reason. However, lingerie showers can be a fun way for women to bond with each other. I once attended one at which a guest jokingly brought the bride a pair of handcuffs. (In Montana, a set of spurs might make an interesting gag gift.)

However, if you prefer not to "contribute to the couple's sex life," why not bring a high-necked flannel nightgown? Your gift could be the talk of the party.

Readers, care to offer any other gift suggestions?

DEAR ABBY: I represent Operation Paperback: Recycled Reading for the Troops. Our 10,000 volunteers, at their own expense, collect gently used paperback books and send them to military members and organizations deployed all over the world.

Since 1999, we have sent over a million books and have received thanks from Bosnia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Germany, ships at sea, and dozens of places on the globe where our military serves.

Because units are continually being deployed, reassigned and recalled, we struggle to maintain current address lists. We would appreciate the assistance of your forum in spreading the word to service members and their families that they need only to go to operationpaperback.org to register, and we will see to it that they have quality reading material to provide an escape from their day-to-day trials. Thank you for your help. -- DAN BOWERS, RED LION, PA.

DEAR DAN: What a wonderful offer. But be careful what you wish for, because Dear Abby readers are the most generous and patriotic people in the world!

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter came and cleaned our house when my wife -- her mother -- was ill. I appreciated her efforts, until I noticed she had put the toilet brush in the dishwasher with the dishes. I quietly removed it.

Am I overreacting because I no longer want to eat at her house? This made me extremely uncomfortable because most of our family gatherings are at her house. -- TURNED OFF IN TEXAS

DEAR TURNED OFF: Ew! Had I been in your position, when I saw what she had done, I'd have hit high C. And I wouldn't have been subtle about removing the toilet brush from the dishwasher. What a gross lapse of judgment. I wouldn't want to eat at her house either, and I'd let my spouse know exactly why. (Please tell me your stepdaughter didn't learn this from her mother.)

DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old graduating senior, "Renee," has told me I have taught her nothing about living life. Furthermore, she informed me that her school counselor agrees with her, saying I have failed to teach her the skills needed to be successful in life.

At first I was angry and denied everything my daughter said. Now I am beginning to doubt myself and the way I have raised her. Have I taught her the necessary skills to live her life? Does she lack what it takes to make it through the good and bad parts of life?

How can I know my Renee will be able to "fly out of the nest" because there is no safety net to catch her? -- DOUBTING MOM IN MINNESOTA

DEAR DOUBTING MOM: Before you second-guess yourself any further, check with Renee's school counselor to make certain he or she was quoted correctly. Does your daughter know how to save money? Balance a checkbook? Hold a job? Does she know right from wrong and how to assert herself?

Many of life's survival skills are learned by imitation, the rest from experience. You can't protect your daughter from everything. Like most parents, you should cross your fingers and pray, and avoid blaming yourself for anyone else's poor choices.

DEAR ABBY: I am part of a circle of five guy friends. We're all around 30. Some of us date regularly, looking for the right girl. One of us, "Ian," is with "Jenny," who we're concerned about. They are now living together.

Jenny doesn't abuse Ian or cheat on him. We just think he could do better. She's pushy and materialistic, and it's impossible to have a two-way conversation with her. This isn't just my opinion. Some of Jenny's friends describe her the same way.

Because we're all so close to Ian, we hate to see this relationship progress. We worry he'll be forced to give her what she's aiming for -- a ring. I know he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. Would it be wrong for one of us to tell Ian what we think of her? We hate watching what we consider a slow train wreck that's bound to get worse. -- GOOD BUDDY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR GOOD BUDDY: It wouldn't be wrong, but it might be unwise for one of you to tell Ian what you think of Jenny. He might get the message better if you all tell him during a boys' night out. It may be difficult to extricate himself from the relationship now that they're living together -- providing he even wants to. (Some men like overbearing women.) But at least he will know that his friends have second thoughts about her, and that may open his eyes.

DEAR ABBY: I had a falling out with my oldest son and his wife two years ago. They have two daughters whom I dearly love, and I know they love me.

I wrote my son and daughter-in-law to beg for forgiveness. I messed up partly out of hurt and anger, and also because of the medications I was taking.

I asked my son if they really want to take away the only grandma the girls have left. I also wondered if two years of not being able to see my granddaughters was punishment enough for them and me.

I have held out the olive branch, but apparently they're not ready. Can you think of anything else I can do? -- HOLES IN MY HEART IN KANSAS

DEAR HOLES IN YOUR HEART: Consider asking another family member or religious adviser to intercede for you. However, if that fails, then there is nothing else you can do. Hope and pray that time will bring reconciliation. You have my sympathy.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Would you please explain to me why today's brides still take formal bridal portraits?

To me, the "W-E" in "wedding" signifies a bride and groom sharing equally in earning a living, raising children and performing household functions. Shouldn't a wedding portrait be of the two people together? -- SHIRLEY IN HOUSTON

DEAR SHIRLEY: Superstition may have something to do with it. It's supposed to be bad luck for the groom to see the bride's dress before the wedding, which is when the bridal portrait is usually taken. In years past, couples would pose together for their engagement picture, which was then published in the newspaper with their engagement announcement.

In the early 20th century, couples did have their wedding portrait taken together. I have a copy of my maternal grandparents' wedding picture in which my grandfather is sitting (formally dressed) and my grandmother is standing next to him in her wedding dress.

After receiving your question, I called celebrity photographer Harry Langdon, and we had an interesting discussion. He explained that the rules for wedding photography are constantly evolving, reflecting the time in which they are taken and the culture of the couple involved.

He went on to describe a memorable photo shoot in which he was taking wedding pictures for a royal family. Not understanding the culture, Harry posed the bride standing in front of the groom, thinking it would symbolize the man's "power and protection of his wife." A security guard promptly pulled Harry aside and pointed out that in their country, women do not stand in front of the men -- they stand behind them. In addition, a very attractive female makeup artist had been booked for the photo session, and the king proceeded to flirt with and ogle her in such an obvious manner that she became embarrassed, walked out and refused to return.

Another couple was the photogenic governor of a state I won't mention and his bride, a famous beauty. As he was posing them, Harry instructed the governor, "You sit here, and we'll have your bride stand behind you -- the 'supportive woman behind the man' ..."

"No," she interrupted. "I'm going to be in front."

"No, wait," the governor interjected. "I'm the governor. I should be in front!"

The proceedings went downhill from there. The disagreement then turned to the lighting Harry was using. The bride was wearing heavy makeup, and after checking the lens, Harry said, "We'll need to change it because the man is usually darker in these pictures."

"Why?" asked the bride.

"Because the guys are out there, beating the bushes, hunting and gathering, supporting the family," answered Harry.

"What about us women? We're out there supporting the family, too!" she retorted.

It was a difficult session -- and no, the marriage didn't last. -- LAUGHING IN CALIFORNIA (AKA ABBY)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)