DEAR ABBY: I am a marriage counselor writing in response to the March 22 letter from the man who objected to his wife having dinner with a mutual (male) friend while the writer was on a business trip. I found his signature, "Feeling Cheated On in Illinois," excessive, perhaps even a signal he has an "ownership" attitude toward his spouse, which is associated with controlling behavior. In the absence of any reason to distrust her, why is he so upset?

My husband of 20 years was going to Japan for a week to visit our foster daughter. I was unable to go, so one of my female friends went with him instead. My husband is attractive, and no doubt has had many opportunities to cheat. I realize many spouses are unfaithful, but you don't keep them faithful by keeping them on a short leash. All that does is make a potential cheater sneakier.

Because spouses who cheat sometimes claim their lovers-in-waiting are "just friends" doesn't mean men and women can't be "just friends." "Illinois" is insecure at best, controlling at worst. I think he should have a one-time appointment with a therapist and discuss his expectations of his wife. -- BARBARA IN MAINE

DEAR BARBARA: I heard from readers who have firsthand experience in this subject. And many of them agreed with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm an at-home wife of a husband who travels frequently. He has logged more than 3 million frequent flyer miles in the last 20 years. I'll bet the "Illinois" man dines out often with female colleagues. It's a fact of business life these days. And I'll bet a lot of the women are married, too. So, really, what's the difference?

He needs to look inward at his own actions and ability to trust. While travel may be part of his job, why must his wife be denied adult companionship when he's away? A man and woman eating out together doesn't automatically equal "date." I do it often when my husband travels. I pay my own way and meet my friend(s) at the restaurant. It's a "get-together" and the only way I can stay sane. -- BEEN THERE AND WILL CONTINUE

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married woman with single and married male friends. I go out for lunches and dinners with all of them. Some live out of state and we email often. I also have outings with female pals, some of whom are lesbians. "Illinois" needs to figure out why he doesn't trust his wife and his good friend. My husband socializes without me as well. He even goes to lunch sometimes with an old girlfriend. Either you trust your partner or you don't. -- SECURE AND HAPPY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I travel often and enjoy dinners with lots of people, both male and female. I've dined with my neighbor's husband while we were stranded at an airport trying to get home. Should we have sat at different tables? Implying that this behavior is "questionable" is outrageous. My husband is sometimes invited to dinner by neighbors when I'm away and I thank them for their kindness. -- JULIA IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Something similar happened to me. It started with the remark that there's nothing wrong with a married woman having a man as her best friend. Three years later she filed for divorce, saying she didn't love me anymore. They worked together in the same office, started going out to lunch, then having after-work drinks and golf dates on the weekends I worked overtime. I understand what "Illinois" is going through. I hope his situation works out better than mine did. -- LARRY IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I hurt for the wife who is stuck at home "several nights a week." Why couldn't her husband just say, "Good for you, you have company!"? Married people can be friends with other married members of the opposite sex. If "Illinois" can't handle that reality, then he should find a job that lets him be home with his wife every night. -- CATHY FROM CLEVELAND

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: As children come to their mothers to mend their scraped knees and broken hearts, readers in turn come to you for advice that can mend fractured relationships and save lives.

Knowing how much mothers everywhere value your wisdom, the Food and Drug Administration's Office of Women's Health and the Federal Citizen Information Center have created the Healthy Moms Advice Kit for your readers. It's filled with practical tips on topics such as hay fever, recognizing and conquering depression, keeping food safe, discovering the real differences between name brand and generic drugs and -- every mom's dream -- learning the secrets of getting a good night's sleep.

Abby, thanks for letting your readers know about the free Healthy Moms Advice Kit, and for being someone we always know we can trust to steer us to the answers we need. -- MARSHA HENDERSON, FDA ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH (ACTING)

DEAR MARSHA: I'm pleased to help you educate readers on these important topics. Every year when I review the advance copies of your kits, I learn something new -- which is why I know they will be helpful to others.

Folks, this year's free smorgasbord of information contains helpful advice on such topics as how to avoid getting sick from restaurant take-out foods, medications and products to avoid during pregnancy, and an enlightening fact sheet on HPV (human papillomavirus), a sexually transmitted disease that, left untreated, can lead to cervical cancer. Did you know that vaccination with Gardasil can help prevent four types of HPV? I didn't. And no, you CAN'T get HPV from the vaccine.

Because all the information in these kits has been compiled by the government at taxpayer expense, it's offered at no cost to you. However, quantities are limited, so don't wait. Order now. To receive the kits in printed form, send your name and address to Healthy Moms Advice Kit, Pueblo, CO 81009, go online to Publications.USA.gov, or call (888) 8-PUEBLO (that's (888) 878-3256) weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern time. You can also read the publications online in PDF format, download them to your computer and print them.

DEAR ABBY: I had an affair a few years ago that lasted a lot longer than it should have. It ended when my lover, "John," died unexpectedly. The kicker is I was -- and still am -- married. For the last two years I had wanted to end the relationship, but I couldn't find the courage to do it on my own.

My question is, should I feel guilty for feeling glad that John is dead? I'm glad the affair is finally over, but I feel guilty that death is what ended it and that I didn't have the courage to end it myself. -- CONFLICTED IN SANTA ROSA

DEAR CONFLICTED: I don't think you're feeling "glad" as much as you're relieved that John is finally out of your life -- even if it was feet first. As to your guilt about not ending the affair, that's something between you, your religious adviser and your higher power. You'll have to work it out with one of them, and I'm advising you to start now.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who is in love with my former high school coach. I don't know if I should tell him. I first realized I loved him about a year and a half after I met him. We had an extremely close relationship, but it was not inappropriate. He is 13 years older than I am.

After two years of getting to know him and forming a strong friendship, he moved across the country for work. Since then, I have entered college and we see each other only on holidays and in the summer. Every time I see him, we go back to our normal, wonderful relationship as though nothing has changed.

I was in denial about my feelings for him. I told myself it was puppy love and couldn't work out because of the age difference and the distance. But after four years of pining for him, and several failed romances with others, I realize I deeply love him. We have a unique connection, but he has a reputation as a "player," so I can't be sure he feels the same. I don't want to ruin what we have, but I want more. Should I finally reveal my feelings? -- HURTING BADLY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR HURTING BADLY: You and your former coach are both adults. I see no reason why you shouldn't tell him how you feel. However, if he responds affirmatively, please be careful about how you proceed with this relationship. As you said -- he has a reputation as a player, and men with a craving for variety can be very unreliable.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-50s, divorced for many years, and have two grown children. I began seeing a delightful gentleman about three years ago. (I'll call him Jack.) He was dating several women at the time, and after a few months, I made it clear that we would have to have an exclusive relationship or I could not go on seeing him. Jack reluctantly agreed and kept his promise.

Four months ago, I demanded a commitment from him. I knew I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He told me he loved me, but marriage is out of the question -- and if that is the only way I'd stay with him, we have to say goodbye.

I think I have made a terrible mistake, Abby. What are your thoughts on this? -- DEPRESSED IN DES MOINES

DEAR DEPRESSED: Since marriage is important to you, you were right to lay it on the line to him. His unwillingness, regardless of how nicely put, to take your relationship to another level means he wasn't as committed to you as you were to him. And once your self-esteem heals, you will realize that the person who made the terrible mistake was Jack.

DEAR ABBY: May I offer a suggestion concerning elderly people? I know this from experience.

When writing to an older adult, every so often include some labels bearing your name and address. This makes it easier for them to respond and for the post office to decipher your address.

I have an elderly friend who has severe arthritis. When we correspond, it takes me at least 20 minutes to make out what she has written. The labels have helped us both. -- INDEPENDENCE, MO., READER

DEAR READER: I'm pleased to pass the word along. And because readers have complained that they get these labels along with solicitations from charities and don't know what to do with them, this would be a good way to put them to use. Thank you for the suggestion.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)