DEAR ABBY: My fraternal twin, "Marla," was always difficult. When we were kids she was physically and emotionally abusive. She stopped hitting me only after I outgrew her in high school, but she continues to try to control me.

When I started dating my wife, "Gloria," Marla would tell me Gloria wasn't good enough for me. At first, it gave me serious doubts about the woman who is the love of my life. We're now expecting our first child -- a daughter -- and Marla has been offering parenting advice that goes against what Gloria and I feel about child-rearing. When I politely decline her advice, Marla accuses me of being "selfish" for not appreciating it.

A parenting book was delivered anonymously to our home. It took me a few days to remember that Marla had mentioned it. Five days later she sent me an angry email because I hadn't thanked her for it.

Spats like this usually result in our not speaking for months. I harbor no ill will toward my sister and often don't know why we're fighting. She seems to thrive on the drama she creates with these artificial rifts.

I want my daughter exposed to healthy adult relationships, not abusive ones. How do I tell my twin I love her, but she must stop trying to control me and create conflict where none exists? I don't want to have to cut her out of my life. -- SOON-TO-BE-DAD

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-DAD: The patterns of a lifetime won't change without work on both your parts. Tell your twin that if she wants to be a part of your life -- and your daughter's -- some radical changes will be necessary. Offer to join her in family therapy. If she agrees, recognize that change won't be easy for her. If she refuses, do what you must to protect your child from her controlling and manipulative behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old man. I have been in a two-year relationship with the most beautiful woman I have ever met. "Amanda" is 23, and she has just told me she plans on joining the Navy.

I respect her decision and courage to better her life and future career. However, my feelings are deeply hurt. I don't understand how, after all this time, she could change course and put our relationship on the back burner.

Amanda says she wants us to stay together and promises that everything will be all right. I love her with all my heart. Do you think after four years in the Navy our love will be as strong? At our age, is it worth keeping ourselves exclusive to each other? -- IN SHOCK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN SHOCK: I wish you had mentioned why Amanda has decided to join the military. Could it be she's doing it because, in return for her service, they will pay for her education? If that's the case, then respect her decision and her determination to better her life.

Whether your romance can weather the separation her service in the Navy will require depends, frankly, on how much each of you has invested in it. Other couples have managed. My advice is to take it day by day and you'll have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl who has never been popular with boys. It has always been something that has bothered me. The hardest part is watching my friends date while I have to stay home.

One way I was able to make myself feel better was by telling myself everything would change when high school started. By the end of our first week as freshmen, my friend "Lily" had a new boyfriend and I'm still alone. Her boyfriend actually joked that I should "play for the other team" because I have no chance of getting a guy. Needless to say, my friendship with Lily is over, but her boyfriend's comment is still sticking with me.

Abby, do I really have no chance with guys? Am I overreacting about not having a boyfriend? I feel I should have dated plenty by now. -- WAITING FOR THE FIRST KISS IN JERSEY

DEAR WAITING: The comment Lily's boyfriend made was asinine and uncalled for. Please don't measure your worth using that immature boy's yardstick. Not being a belle of the ball in high school doesn't mean you won't blossom socially later. Many people do. You will get the kiss you're craving and validation, too, if you'll be a little more patient.

Use this time to concentrate on your studies, athletics, special interests, volunteering in your community and completing your education. Those things are more important than a boyfriend right now -- and they'll leave you with less time to brood. When you're older, you will meet men (not boys) who value what you have to offer. And yes, I know you have probably heard this before, but it's true.

DEAR ABBY: I have a woman friend who is always saying to me, "I wish just you and I could go do something together." So the other day I called her and suggested we visit a local flea market -- which we both love -- and then go to a local festival. She replied that it sounded great, but she needed to talk to her husband, "Ted," to see if he wanted to join us.

Abby, she does this to me all the time. I'm tired of inviting her for a girls' day and having her come only if Ted is coming. Should I stop the invitations? -- TICKED OFF IN FLORIDA

DEAR TICKED OFF: No, before you do that you should tell her how you feel about her sending you mixed messages. And if it happens again, then stop inviting her.

DEAR ABBY: I recently took my official college graduation photo and was excited to show my mom. She said she was OK with my giving her one of the small photos because she didn't want to put any more holes in the wall. It really upset me.

I am the first person in my family to graduate from college. Mom's comment about not wanting holes in the wall was unacceptable. I argued with her, cried and told her how I felt. Mom told me to get out and that I had no right to tell her what to do in her house.

I'm still hurt. I feel that if she's as proud of my accomplishments as she says, she should show it. She apologized later, but her comment still stings. Please help me get over it. -- UPSET COLLEGE SENIOR

DEAR UPSET: I'll try. Your mother may have been tactless, but it's important that you bury the hatchet. Her pride in your accomplishments is not as important as your own pride in them. Remember that, and no one will ever be able to make you feel diminished!

DEAR ABBY: My husband's darling mother died of cancer last summer. During the last month of her illness she was confined to bed, so we hired a nurse, "Lois," to cover the night shift.

The day after the funeral, my husband's father started calling Lois. Dad swore they were "just friends," but continued pursuing her despite our strong disapproval. Two months later, they were dating. Last Thanksgiving, our first holiday without Mom, he cancelled plans to be with us and the grandkids to spend it with "friends" -- guess who? On Christmas it was the same story.

This has hit my husband hard. Dad and Mom were married for 50 years. We have always had a close family, particularly at holiday time. Are we wrong to feel that Dad and Lois are disrespecting Mom's memory and to feel hurt and angry? -- GRIEVING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for your family's loss. While it may appear your father-in-law jumped quickly into a relationship, it could be he grieved during the time his wife was ill and has concerns that his own time may be limited, so he wants to enjoy life while he can.

As to missing the holidays, being there with his wife of 50 years conspicuously missing may have been more than he could face. So please, try to be understanding because I'm sure your mother-in-law's death has been painful for all of you.

DEAR ABBY: After having a stroke, my mother spent the last few years of her life in a wonderful nursing facility. She was an accomplished gardener and enjoyed sharing her bounty. Instead of sending her a fresh flower bouquet for Mother's Day, I'd have some potted tomato plants delivered to her nursing home. On her death bed last year, she reminded us to water her tomato plants. Sadly, those plants outlived her.

I cannot think of a more fitting tribute to her memory than to encourage your readers to provide living vegetable plants for their senior relatives. Most nurseries or florists will accommodate your request and, perhaps, could be persuaded to donate a plant or two to a local senior care center.

The joy of nurturing a living plant will continue through the summer. -- CAROLE IN SAN CLEMENTE

DEAR CAROLE: What a sweet idea. Your mother appears to have been a generous and caring woman, and your letter shows the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, I was very popular and part of a large social group. That was three years ago. Since graduation, I have been dealing with an anxiety disorder. It has reached the point where I can no longer work, go to school or have much of a social life. I am currently seeking treatment.

Whenever I'm in touch with someone I was close to in high school, I am always asked where I'm working now or what school I'm attending. I feel embarrassed because of my disorder and often I don't respond because I don't know what to say. Any ideas? -- SPEECHLESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SPEECHLESS: You could say that you haven't been well and needed to take some time to recover -- or, if you don't want to reveal that much, say, "I decided to take some time to find myself," which is common and sufficiently euphemistic. And the surest way to find treatment for your anxiety disorder would be to tell your family doctor you need to consult a mental health professional who specializes in anxiety disorders. Once you find one, you can quickly return to the mainstream of life.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)