DEAR READERS: It's April 1, the day I get to share some of the occasional letters I receive from folks who are pulling my leg. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 23 years is threatening to divorce me on the grounds that I'm "unreasonable." Is it unreasonable for me to attempt to keep my socks oriented to the proper feet? When I put my socks on the wrong feet, I run around in circles and become disoriented. I know women don't have this problem because they wear pantyhose -- so it's impossible to put them on the wrong feet.

I sewed a bit of red yarn on the tops of my right socks so I could keep them straight. My wife says I'm crazy, but I insist, "Right on right; left on left."

So tell me, Abby -- must I run in stupid circles and endure moments of disorientation and embarrassment? Or should I forgo the red yarn and hang in there with my wife to preserve our marriage? -- DISTURBED KENTUCKY MAN

DEAR DISTURBED KENTUCKY MAN: And a happy April Fools' Day to you, too. The red yarn is preferable to the yarn you have spun for me. (It's also preferable to running in circles like a decapitated chicken.) And you're mistaken about women's pantyhose. Ask any woman who has put hers on backward.

DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about my youngest son, "Sammy." From the moment he gets up each day until the time he retires at night, he spends almost the entire time playing in the sandbox in our backyard.

My wife and I are alarmed by his bizarre behavior, and incidentally, so is his wife. What should we do? -- WORRIED DAD IN GEORGIA

DEAR WORRIED DAD: Be sure to brush him off if he ever runs a marathon to prevent diaper rash.

DEAR ABBY: I hate bothering you because I know you're busy, but I have been getting the runaround from my TV provider. I have asked them repeatedly to send someone over to fix my set, but they keep saying it can be fixed by remote control. I've got a black screen and it just doesn't work. Can you come over to fix it? -- MISSING JERRY SPRINGER IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR MISSING JERRY: I help people solve relationship problems, but the one you're having with your TV set does not qualify. Sorry.

DEAR ABBY: I prefer to sleep facing in; my husband prefers to sleep facing out. My problem is when he's gassy -- which is often -- it puts me "in the line of fire." We've talked about how to deal with this problem, but haven't been able to come up with a solution. Any suggestions? -- GAS TAXED IN NEWARK, DEL.

DEAR GAS TAXED: Yes. Switch sides!

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 30s and have been dating "Rick" for six years. The problem is his daughter, "Janet." We used to get along, but now she hates me. She calls me awful names and says she wishes I would go away.

I recently asked Rick to marry me. Now Janet says I am "desperate" and she refuses to talk to either of us. I don't know what to say to her. I'm appalled at her attitude toward me, the language she uses and the things she's saying about me to her friends on the Internet. She won't listen to her dad. Her mother is encouraging her behavior and has been threatening me.

I can't get Janet to understand that her dad and I love each other, that it's all right for a woman to ask a man to marry her and it's not out of "desperation." Please help. -- NOT DESPERATE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR NOT DESPERATE: Toughen up. Recognize that for all of the joy Rick brings you, Janet is his extremely immature daughter and she's part of the package. How old is the girl? She appears to have years of growing up to do. You can't change her behavior, so go on with your life without seeking her approval. Unfortunately, nasty ex-wives are nothing new. If the ex does anything beyond "threaten" you, file a police report and let them deal with her.

DEAR ABBY: Can common sense be learned or taught? Some people seem to be born with it. Others have "book smarts" but struggle with everyday common sense.

I fail to grasp simple connections, and I sometimes ask questions that have obvious answers -- for someone else. I know other people who share the same problem, and I admire those who simply seem to "get" what's happening around them.

Is there any way to improve? I'm 38 and married to a man who has strengths in both areas. -- BOOKWORM IN MONTANA

DEAR BOOKWORM: Nobody has everything. Your strength is your intellect. Not everyone is a good student, and it can affect their self-esteem as much or more than your worry about not having common sense. If it's any comfort, people usually acquire common sense in the school of life. In other words, they learn from the mistakes they make. I'm sure you have done that and will continue to do so.

DEAR ABBY: My 34-year-old daughter blames me for her poor penmanship. When she was a baby, she started grabbing things with her left hand. Her pediatrician advised me to force her to use her right hand. Could she have had better penmanship if she had not been forced to use her right hand? -- GUILTY MOM IN MADISON, ALA.

DEAR GUILTY MOM: Probably. Your pediatrician must have been very old or very "old school." I am also left-handed, and when I was a child, educators had stopped forcing children to write in a way that was unnatural for them. I was taught to properly hold a pencil, we practiced printing and cursive penmanship, and I am told my handwriting is beautiful.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 21 years, and the past eight or 10 of them haven't been good. I have tried to get my wife to go camping, out to dinner or to bluegrass concerts we both love. I can't convince her to do any of these things with me. But when her sister calls wanting her to go somewhere, she's gone and stays out all day.

About two years ago I started going out alone to clubs that feature bluegrass music on Fridays and Saturdays. I met a wonderful lady at one of them and we have gotten close. I have told her I love her. We have a lot in common, and she cares for me, too. I have not been unfaithful to my wife (yet), but I don't know how much more I can handle. I am lonely and miserable.

Abby, I don't know what to do. Please advise before I do something stupid. I'm an avid reader of your column and I trust your advice. -- TEMPTED DOWN SOUTH

DEAR TEMPTED: Marriage is like a garden. If it isn't tended and fertilized occasionally, it withers. It appears you and your wife stopped communicating not long after your 10th anniversary.

Sneaking around is not the answer to your problem. It's unfair to your wife and to the woman you say you love. So man up and offer your wife the option of intensive marriage counseling -- if you want to save your marriage and your assets, that is. But do not pursue the extramarital relationship until and unless you are free to do so.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful guy for four years, and I'm fortunate to have nice and caring in-laws. My only issue with them is the personal questions they ask -- like how much money people make.

Abby, they know exactly how much their children make, as well as the amount of their son-in-law's salary. Once I'm out of graduate school and settled into my career, I know they will ask me.

I feel my finances are my personal business and no one else's -- especially if my husband and I are living comfortably. How do I handle the situation when my in-laws ask me about my income? I don't want to be rude, but I think it's intrusive and too personal. -- NOT QUOTING FIGURES

DEAR NOT QUOTING: Start now and tell your husband -- if you haven't already -- how you feel about questions about how much people earn. That way he'll be less inclined to "spill" when his parents start pumping him for the information. When they ask you, say that you are not comfortable with that question because you feel it is too personal. Smile when you say it, and remember you are not obligated to answer every question someone asks of you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been estranged from our grandchildren for nine years. One of them is now 18 and we would like to reach out and contact her, but have no idea how to do it. We don't know what caused the estrangement with her parents, but we have never stopped loving our grandchildren. How do you contact someone who isn't in the phone book, is of age and across the country? -- BONNEY JEAN IN HAWAII

DEAR BONNEY: You have written to me for so many years, I feel like I know you. My heart goes out to you in this -- I'm sorry to say -- not uncommon predicament. A way to locate your granddaughter would be to do it via a Google search. I wish you luck.