DEAR ABBY: My heart ached after reading the letter from "Stumped in California" (Feb. 4), who wondered what could be done about an older co-worker, "Anita," who she said was showing "signs of dementia." I would caution her about making judgments based on stereotypes of older workers and their health problems.

Like Anita, I am in my late 60s. I am also underwater in my mortgage, which means I have no nest egg. Because my husband is unemployed, my savings have been depleted. My short-term memory is poor, and the meds I am on to help me function do not improve my memory.

Anita may not have dementia. She may be suffering from unbearable worry and stress. I suggest putting out a hand in friendship to Anita instead of trying to diagnose her. -- FEELING IT TOO IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR FEELING IT: Many of my readers felt this one, and wrote to offer compassion to Anita as well as possible explanations for her slip in job performance. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Anyone experiencing marked and/or prolonged changes in mood, function and behavior should undergo thorough medical and/or psychological/psychiatric evaluation. Many treatable conditions can affect memory and concentration. The constant tearfulness observed by "Stumped" is a common symptom of depression.

If Anita's office has an Employee Assistance Plan, a supervisor or HR will know the procedure for referring her to an EAP clinician who can evaluate her and make recommendations for treatment, work-related considerations and follow-up. -- LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: I am a state-licensed hearing instrument specialist. The commonalities between the symptoms of hearing loss and dementia are many. A person with hearing loss has a tendency to withdraw -- she's more apart from than a part of. Also, if she's having trouble remembering things she's done before, she may not have heard the request. (How can you remember something if you have never heard it?)

I encourage "Stumped" to talk to Anita about having her hearing tested. A hearing aid may be what she needs to help her perform better on the job. -- KNOWS FROM EXPERIENCE

DEAR ABBY: As a manager in the federal government, I had an employee who worked hard the majority of her life and did a great job. Suddenly, her performance began suffering. It didn't make sense to me how she could be so valuable at one point in her career, and then couldn't do the simplest task without goofing it up.

I sent her to a doctor for an examination, and we discovered that this "older woman" was having mini-strokes all day long! I was relieved to be able to retire her on disability, rather than destroying her life's hard work by firing her. And she was able to get help for a medical condition she wasn't aware of. -- RUTH IN FREDERICK, MD.

DEAR ABBY: Anita may have a thyroid problem. I had similar symptoms in my 40s, and it took two years for the right diagnosis. A blood test is all she would need to find out. -- HELPING HAND IN ORLAND HILLS, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: I am 67 and work because I can't live on Social Security. Perhaps Anita is facing the same problem and must work. My co-workers are supportive, and we have access to a wellness program to help us. She should check with Human Resources. Anita needs support, not criticism. Do not assume all seniors suffer from dementia. -- SEASONED WORKER IN TUCSON

DEAR ABBY: Technology is moving so quickly that people of all ages need to update their skill level constantly. The economy is hitting our seniors hard. Anita may be working to pay for medications. To "Stumped" I say: Get off your high horse and stop watching Anita "deteriorate." Help her! It might be you someday. -- P.J. IN MIAMISBURG, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I'm the mother of four boys in their 20s. None of my sons is married yet, but because they are reaching the age where they might be soon, I have been paying attention to how weddings were planned and carried out by our friends' children -- all of whom are married.

What's bothering me is, it seems to be all about the girl. The guys and their parents seem to be left out of almost everything. I assumed that in this day and age, where many wedding expenses are shared by both sets of parents, that the groom and his parents would be more involved.

The purpose of this letter is to remind parents of daughters that this is a big day for the groom and his parents, too. Please be considerate and include them in the planning decisions and pre-wedding activities. -- IT'S OUR BIG DAY TOO!

DEAR I.O.B.D.T.!: If you are sharing the expenses, you should make it clear -- with a smile -- that because you are helping to pay for the event, you expect to be included in the planning and pre-wedding activities. Got it?

DEAR ABBY: Every year on my birthday I would send my mother flowers. I did it for more than 25 years because of something I read as a young man in the Dear Abby column.

Mom passed away last year. So, in addition to the flowers I will place on her grave this year, I thought I'd share with all your readers this wonderful gift I received from your column. Every year it brought joy to my mother to receive my bouquet with a note of thanks for all that she had done for me.

Mom was kind, gentle, beautiful, loving and an inspiration to many. I miss her very much. I hope my letter will inspire other readers to remember their mothers the same way, and realize how precious and priceless our time with them is. Thank you for my birthday, Mom! Rest in peace. -- JOSEPH IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR JOSEPH: I'm sorry for your loss. Your mother obviously raised a son with all her sterling qualities. I'm pleased the idea you took to heart when my mother wrote this column brought joy to your mother and was meaningful to you. Thank you for writing.

DEAR ABBY: At the end of last year you printed a letter from a reader asking whether it would be rude to ask that a letter of recommendation that contained typographical errors be retyped. You advised that it wouldn't be rude to ask, and the mistake should be corrected.

When my son was to receive his Eagle Scout honor, I sent a letter to his hero, Donald Trump, asking if he might write a short letter of recognition for his accomplishment. Mr. Trump's reply came within a week, along with an autographed picture. Unfortunately, there was an error in the letter. We called and spoke to his secretary, who was extremely gracious, corrected the letter and walked it right in to Mr. Trump. It was sent the same day.

They appreciated our contacting them rather than presenting a less than perfect letter. With computers, correspondence is saved and easily corrected. When letters of this kind are done correctly, in a professional manner, they reflect equally well on a job applicant as well as the person who wrote it. -- PROUD MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR PROUD MOM: Anyone can make a typographical error, and the fact that Donald Trump and his staff corrected the mistake quickly and efficiently is a lesson for everyone who wants to succeed in business -- and in life.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 16 years, "Barb," and I argue constantly. We can't seem to agree on anything, have few common interests and don't enjoy our time together. Our love life is nonexistent. We have gone to three marriage counselors and it hasn't helped. We now "get along" by avoiding each other.

I think it's time we faced the fact that we're never going to be happy together. When I bring this up with Barb, she gets angry and launches into the same old tirade, saying if I want a divorce I'll have to get a lawyer.

Divorce will be difficult and costly enough without having to drag lawyers into it. I'd like us to agree that it's time to split and use a mediator to work out the details. It will save us a lot of money and, hopefully, make the divorce less acrimonious.

I don't understand why Barb wants to stay together when she's so unhappy and we're unable to make things better. How can I make her see that separating -- in as kind a way as possible -- will be best for us and the kids included? -- "FORMER" HUSBAND IN LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR "FORMER" HUSBAND: Your wife may prefer the evils she's living with to the unknown of being a divorcee with children. However, when a marriage is over -- it's over. And when it reaches the stage that yours has, what both parties need to be most concerned about is preservation of assets, so they aren't dissipated in attorney's fees.

I have seen both kinds of divorces -- one in which the warring spouses spent so much money in litigation there was little left for each of them when it was over; and the other, in which the couple agreed their marriage was broken beyond repair and arranged their divorce with as little cost as possible. I don't have to tell you which people are doing well now. So clip this and share it with your wife.

DEAR ABBY: If no one answers the phone when my mother calls, she shouts on the answering machine for my children (ages 18 and 12) to "pick up!" Then she'll try my cell phone once or twice in quick succession before calling back on the house phone and leaving a cranky message. It's never an emergency; she just wants to chat.

I understand that Mom is frustrated, but sometimes we are resting, eating dinner or are otherwise indisposed. And yes, there are times when we're not in the mood to talk. She lectures me constantly about how my husband and I are teaching our children to be disrespectful by ignoring her calls. (Their teachers and other adults regularly comment about how polite they are.)

I see nothing wrong with letting a call go to voicemail if I can't or don't want to talk at that moment, and I always return Mom's call. I also encourage my kids to call her, but she doesn't make it easy when she begins a conversation with, "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude not to answer the phone?" Do I owe her an apology, or does she need to be more patient? -- "PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE ..."

DEAR PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE ...: Your mother apparently feels that her needs and wishes automatically take precedence over whatever else may be happening in your lives. You do not owe her any apologies, and yes, she does need to be more patient. But she won't get that message until you are able to communicate it clearly and directly to her. You are no longer a child, and you should not be expected to drop everything anytime your mother wants to "chat."