DEAR ABBY: I met my husband, "Monty," shortly after he lost his wife of 14 years. Monty has two dogs, but the one I have issues with is "Ginger."

I have never seen a dog act like her. Ginger acts more like a wife than a dog. She clings to Monty to the point he doesn't have any time alone. She'll sit outside the shower until he is done. If he takes a bath, Ginger sits on the edge of the tub. She runs to him when he gets home from work to greet him before I do. As she's running ahead of me, she looks back as if she's worried I'll beat her to him.

It's as if she thinks she's his wife! She sits next to Monty on the couch when we're watching television. I hesitate telling her to move so I can sit next to my husband because he treats his dogs like gold. His excuse? "They were here for me when my wife died." I'm sympathetic to that, but where do I fit in?

Ginger bullies the other dog by growling at her and bumping into her when the other one tries to get Monty's attention. I'm feeling jealous because sometimes my husband neglects my physical needs and is more affectionate with the dogs. What do I do? -- JEALOUS OF THE FOUR-LEGGED MISTRESS

DEAR JEALOUS: When Monty's first wife died, Ginger became the alpha female in the house. Your husband was depressed and lonely, and he allowed or encouraged it. It is now up to him to retrain Ginger so she learns to defer to you because your place is beside your husband -- and not just on the couch.

If you haven't told Monty that you need a higher rank in the pack, do it now. And if he isn't willing to make some changes, including taking care of more of your physical needs, insist the two of you talk to a licensed marriage counselor. (And maybe to the Dog Whisperer.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student who has been looking up friends from my past, ranging from elementary to high school. One of my close friends from elementary school was a boy named "Martin." We were close because we were sort of the outcasts of our class.

I recently contacted a friend who knew Martin. He told me that Martin had become addicted to hard drugs and is now in jail. I have not been able to stop crying over this. Martin was the one who made me happy about school -- a kindred spirit.

I blame myself because I moved over the summer break and never got a chance to say goodbye to Martin. When I visited the school again, Martin came up to me, gave me a hug and demanded to know why I left him! We had been there for each other when others had not.

I know I can't change the past, but I feel if I had been there I could have stopped him from getting into the trouble he did. I can't think about our good times without being sad about his grim future. How can I get over this? -- CRYING FOR A FRIEND IN LOUISVILLE, KY.

DEAR CRYING: Please stop blaming yourself for the path that your childhood friend chose. People do not become drug addicts because a friend from elementary school moved away. Whatever led to his substance abuse, it wasn't you. Because this has hit you so hard emotionally, make an appointment to visit your student health center and talk to a counselor about your feelings of guilt.

While what Martin has done to himself is tragic, it's still not too late for him to kick his habit and straighten out his life. This has nothing to do with you, and you should not make it your problem.

DEAR ABBY: One of my sisters-in-law has a recipe for pancakes and puts in a secret ingredient. She got the recipe from a relative who asked that the mystery never be revealed.

Well, the relative died recently, and I'd like to know what the ingredient is because those pancakes are out of this world! Would my sister-in-law be betraying his request by sharing the secret? She says she made a promise and is going to keep it. What do you think? -- CRAVING THE CAKES IN FLORIDA

DEAR CRAVING: Obviously, you have raised this subject with your sister-in-law and she refused to share the complete recipe. From that, I can only conclude that she plans to take her knowledge of the secret ingredient to her grave with her.

What do I think? I think she's acting selfishly because good food is meant to be enjoyed by as many people as possible.

P.S. If you really want to know what that secret ingredient is, you'll have to smuggle one of her pancakes out and have it analyzed by a laboratory.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Dina," whom I have known since we were in kindergarten. (We are in our early teens now.) Her mom was in jail when she was a very young girl because of drugs, and she abandoned Dina. Because of this, my mother won't allow me to go to her house or let her come to our house.

Whenever Dina asks if we can hang out, I have to make up some excuse. She says, "You're always busy." I know it hurts her feelings when she hears I go to other friends' houses.

I know I need to respect my mother's wishes, but maybe we can make an agreement. Can you help me? -- DILEMMA WITH DINA IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DILEMMA: I'll try, but there are no guarantees that what I say will change your mother's mind.

Blaming Dina for her mother's mistakes is unfair to the girl. If your mother doesn't want you going to her house because she is afraid there might be "bad influences" -- her concerns may be valid.

However, for her to come to your home and see what a functional family is like and learn the values you are being taught would benefit her greatly. And it would be no threat to you. And that's why I hope your mother will find it in her heart to relent.

DEAR ABBY: I have an awesome relationship with "Jack." He's very attractive, polite, has a good job and is, basically, what I am looking for in a future husband.

My problem? Jack left his longtime girlfriend for me. So how do I know he isn't going to do the same thing to me? He swears he would never do it, but what if he was telling her the same thing? -- DAZED AND CONFUSED, MISSOULA, MONT.

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: How old are you two? If you're teenagers, then Jack may still have acres of wild oats to sow, and what happened to his former girlfriend could happen to you.

However, if you are older and mature, then surely you realize that men who are happy and satisfied in their relationships do not usually leave their girlfriends "for" someone. They leave because something they feel is important is missing.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: American society has become ultra-casual in dress and manners. When I look at old photographs, men and women used to dress better and seemed to take more pride in their appearance. Now they wear pajamas to shop, torn jeans to work and clothes that are too small for large bodies. I feel we are a nation of slobs.

Are we doomed to be this way in the future? I work in an office of slobs and everyone knows I dislike the "casual atmosphere," so please don't print my name. -- DRESSED FOR SUCCESS IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR DRESSED FOR SUCCESS: You are correct. People did dress differently in the 1950s, which took time, effort and money. Things started changing in the '60s -- when the next generation became the demographic that was being marketed to. After that, younger people began adopting the "grunge chic" they were seeing in music videos.

Are we doomed to be this way forever? I think so, unless there's a reactionary fashion revolution. Frankly, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

But before labeling your co-workers as slobs, please remember that they were hired looking the way they do, and if your employer didn't approve of their appearance, there would be a dress code that is strictly enforced.

DEAR ABBY: Tonight I came home to find three messages on my phone. One was from a doctor's office; the other two were business calls. Each one asked me to call back. The callers spoke plainly -- until they came to the phone number, which they rattled off so fast I had to replay the messages several times just to be able to write the numbers down.

What's the matter with people? This happens all the time at work and at home.

Callers, please slow down and speak clearly -- as if you are picturing someone actually writing down your number. Abby, am I getting old, or what? -- SAY WHA ---? ORANGE, CALIF.

DEAR SAY WHA ---?: What you're experiencing usually happens when the caller is in a hurry or calling a list of people they're trying to get through. In a social context, it is inconsiderate. In a business context, it is unprofessional.

People in the financial field are trained to repeat their phone numbers slowly, clearly and twice to prevent the problem you have described. And readers, if you are guilty of this, please slow down and take note.

DEAR ABBY: I have four adult children. I was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago, but it was detected early and my prognosis is excellent. They keep making comments about their "inheritance." An example: "Take care of that painting -- it's my inheritance." Dealing with the cancer is stressful, but their comments make me feel terrible. What can I say to shut them up? -- NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET

DEAR NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET: Allow me to offer a few suggestions: 1. "Stop hanging crepe because I'm not dying"; 2. "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched"; and 3. "I will, because I've decided to donate it to a museum."