DEAR ABBY: One of my sisters-in-law has a recipe for pancakes and puts in a secret ingredient. She got the recipe from a relative who asked that the mystery never be revealed.

Well, the relative died recently, and I'd like to know what the ingredient is because those pancakes are out of this world! Would my sister-in-law be betraying his request by sharing the secret? She says she made a promise and is going to keep it. What do you think? -- CRAVING THE CAKES IN FLORIDA

DEAR CRAVING: Obviously, you have raised this subject with your sister-in-law and she refused to share the complete recipe. From that, I can only conclude that she plans to take her knowledge of the secret ingredient to her grave with her.

What do I think? I think she's acting selfishly because good food is meant to be enjoyed by as many people as possible.

P.S. If you really want to know what that secret ingredient is, you'll have to smuggle one of her pancakes out and have it analyzed by a laboratory.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Dina," whom I have known since we were in kindergarten. (We are in our early teens now.) Her mom was in jail when she was a very young girl because of drugs, and she abandoned Dina. Because of this, my mother won't allow me to go to her house or let her come to our house.

Whenever Dina asks if we can hang out, I have to make up some excuse. She says, "You're always busy." I know it hurts her feelings when she hears I go to other friends' houses.

I know I need to respect my mother's wishes, but maybe we can make an agreement. Can you help me? -- DILEMMA WITH DINA IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DILEMMA: I'll try, but there are no guarantees that what I say will change your mother's mind.

Blaming Dina for her mother's mistakes is unfair to the girl. If your mother doesn't want you going to her house because she is afraid there might be "bad influences" -- her concerns may be valid.

However, for her to come to your home and see what a functional family is like and learn the values you are being taught would benefit her greatly. And it would be no threat to you. And that's why I hope your mother will find it in her heart to relent.

DEAR ABBY: I have an awesome relationship with "Jack." He's very attractive, polite, has a good job and is, basically, what I am looking for in a future husband.

My problem? Jack left his longtime girlfriend for me. So how do I know he isn't going to do the same thing to me? He swears he would never do it, but what if he was telling her the same thing? -- DAZED AND CONFUSED, MISSOULA, MONT.

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: How old are you two? If you're teenagers, then Jack may still have acres of wild oats to sow, and what happened to his former girlfriend could happen to you.

However, if you are older and mature, then surely you realize that men who are happy and satisfied in their relationships do not usually leave their girlfriends "for" someone. They leave because something they feel is important is missing.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: American society has become ultra-casual in dress and manners. When I look at old photographs, men and women used to dress better and seemed to take more pride in their appearance. Now they wear pajamas to shop, torn jeans to work and clothes that are too small for large bodies. I feel we are a nation of slobs.

Are we doomed to be this way in the future? I work in an office of slobs and everyone knows I dislike the "casual atmosphere," so please don't print my name. -- DRESSED FOR SUCCESS IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR DRESSED FOR SUCCESS: You are correct. People did dress differently in the 1950s, which took time, effort and money. Things started changing in the '60s -- when the next generation became the demographic that was being marketed to. After that, younger people began adopting the "grunge chic" they were seeing in music videos.

Are we doomed to be this way forever? I think so, unless there's a reactionary fashion revolution. Frankly, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

But before labeling your co-workers as slobs, please remember that they were hired looking the way they do, and if your employer didn't approve of their appearance, there would be a dress code that is strictly enforced.

DEAR ABBY: Tonight I came home to find three messages on my phone. One was from a doctor's office; the other two were business calls. Each one asked me to call back. The callers spoke plainly -- until they came to the phone number, which they rattled off so fast I had to replay the messages several times just to be able to write the numbers down.

What's the matter with people? This happens all the time at work and at home.

Callers, please slow down and speak clearly -- as if you are picturing someone actually writing down your number. Abby, am I getting old, or what? -- SAY WHA ---? ORANGE, CALIF.

DEAR SAY WHA ---?: What you're experiencing usually happens when the caller is in a hurry or calling a list of people they're trying to get through. In a social context, it is inconsiderate. In a business context, it is unprofessional.

People in the financial field are trained to repeat their phone numbers slowly, clearly and twice to prevent the problem you have described. And readers, if you are guilty of this, please slow down and take note.

DEAR ABBY: I have four adult children. I was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago, but it was detected early and my prognosis is excellent. They keep making comments about their "inheritance." An example: "Take care of that painting -- it's my inheritance." Dealing with the cancer is stressful, but their comments make me feel terrible. What can I say to shut them up? -- NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET

DEAR NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET: Allow me to offer a few suggestions: 1. "Stop hanging crepe because I'm not dying"; 2. "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched"; and 3. "I will, because I've decided to donate it to a museum."

DEAR ABBY: How do I cope with the ending of a very long friendship? I saw warning signs for a couple of years, and tried many times to talk to my best friend about what seemed to be happening. Her values and priorities are moving in other directions now. I no longer feel appreciated as her friend.

My heart is breaking. We have been friends for half our lives. This is more devastating than any divorce, death or hurricane I have ever experienced. She is how I have gotten through my life this far.

There are support groups out there for everything under the sun, except for losing a best friend due to indifference and lack of caring. Please advise me. -- THROWN AWAY IN PASADENA, TEXAS

DEAR THROWN AWAY: I know you are hurting, and I am sorry. But friendships are not just made up of helping each other through the hard times; there is also a component of celebrating the good ones. While she may have been your leaning post, you need to examine what you were to her. If the load became too much to carry, it's understandable that she would need to back off.

While there are no support groups for people in your situation, there are counselors who can help you sort through your feelings -- and because this experience has been devastating, you should talk with one.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl from a religious home. When I was 7, my father got very drunk and molested me. It had a terrible impact on me.

He has apologized for what happened and knows I hate him for it and can't forgive him. It hasn't happened since, and I know he's telling the truth. I feel the next step in my healing is to confide in my friends and ask them to pray for me. But if I do, I know they won't look at me the same. I'm afraid they'll get their parents to intervene and something will happen to Dad. That's the last thing I want. Should I tell? -- NEEDS SUPPORT IN PHILLY

DEAR NEEDS SUPPORT: You appear to be an idealistic, intelligent young woman. But it's important you understand that apologizing for committing a crime against someone is not enough. The person must also be willing to accept the consequences of his actions. Drop by an elementary school and look at the 7-year-olds on the playground. That's how small and vulnerable you were when your father molested you.

Ask yourself: Did he quit drinking and get help for his alcohol problem? Did he talk to his minister and confess what he did? Did he seek professional help of any kind? Are there little girls in your extended family?

You are exhibiting two classic signs of an abuse victim. One is thinking that people will regard you differently if you disclose that you were victimized. Another is the impulse to "protect" your abuser.

I'm all for the power of prayer, but rather than tell your girlfriends, is your mother aware of what happened? If she is unavailable to you, then you should talk to your minister or a trusted counselor at school. If you're afraid this will "betray" your father, call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) toll-free at (800) 656-4673. You can speak to one of the counselors there in complete confidence. They are experienced and can guide you about what -- or what not -- to do next.

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