DEAR ABBY: American society has become ultra-casual in dress and manners. When I look at old photographs, men and women used to dress better and seemed to take more pride in their appearance. Now they wear pajamas to shop, torn jeans to work and clothes that are too small for large bodies. I feel we are a nation of slobs.

Are we doomed to be this way in the future? I work in an office of slobs and everyone knows I dislike the "casual atmosphere," so please don't print my name. -- DRESSED FOR SUCCESS IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR DRESSED FOR SUCCESS: You are correct. People did dress differently in the 1950s, which took time, effort and money. Things started changing in the '60s -- when the next generation became the demographic that was being marketed to. After that, younger people began adopting the "grunge chic" they were seeing in music videos.

Are we doomed to be this way forever? I think so, unless there's a reactionary fashion revolution. Frankly, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

But before labeling your co-workers as slobs, please remember that they were hired looking the way they do, and if your employer didn't approve of their appearance, there would be a dress code that is strictly enforced.

DEAR ABBY: Tonight I came home to find three messages on my phone. One was from a doctor's office; the other two were business calls. Each one asked me to call back. The callers spoke plainly -- until they came to the phone number, which they rattled off so fast I had to replay the messages several times just to be able to write the numbers down.

What's the matter with people? This happens all the time at work and at home.

Callers, please slow down and speak clearly -- as if you are picturing someone actually writing down your number. Abby, am I getting old, or what? -- SAY WHA ---? ORANGE, CALIF.

DEAR SAY WHA ---?: What you're experiencing usually happens when the caller is in a hurry or calling a list of people they're trying to get through. In a social context, it is inconsiderate. In a business context, it is unprofessional.

People in the financial field are trained to repeat their phone numbers slowly, clearly and twice to prevent the problem you have described. And readers, if you are guilty of this, please slow down and take note.

DEAR ABBY: I have four adult children. I was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago, but it was detected early and my prognosis is excellent. They keep making comments about their "inheritance." An example: "Take care of that painting -- it's my inheritance." Dealing with the cancer is stressful, but their comments make me feel terrible. What can I say to shut them up? -- NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET

DEAR NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET: Allow me to offer a few suggestions: 1. "Stop hanging crepe because I'm not dying"; 2. "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched"; and 3. "I will, because I've decided to donate it to a museum."

DEAR ABBY: How do I cope with the ending of a very long friendship? I saw warning signs for a couple of years, and tried many times to talk to my best friend about what seemed to be happening. Her values and priorities are moving in other directions now. I no longer feel appreciated as her friend.

My heart is breaking. We have been friends for half our lives. This is more devastating than any divorce, death or hurricane I have ever experienced. She is how I have gotten through my life this far.

There are support groups out there for everything under the sun, except for losing a best friend due to indifference and lack of caring. Please advise me. -- THROWN AWAY IN PASADENA, TEXAS

DEAR THROWN AWAY: I know you are hurting, and I am sorry. But friendships are not just made up of helping each other through the hard times; there is also a component of celebrating the good ones. While she may have been your leaning post, you need to examine what you were to her. If the load became too much to carry, it's understandable that she would need to back off.

While there are no support groups for people in your situation, there are counselors who can help you sort through your feelings -- and because this experience has been devastating, you should talk with one.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl from a religious home. When I was 7, my father got very drunk and molested me. It had a terrible impact on me.

He has apologized for what happened and knows I hate him for it and can't forgive him. It hasn't happened since, and I know he's telling the truth. I feel the next step in my healing is to confide in my friends and ask them to pray for me. But if I do, I know they won't look at me the same. I'm afraid they'll get their parents to intervene and something will happen to Dad. That's the last thing I want. Should I tell? -- NEEDS SUPPORT IN PHILLY

DEAR NEEDS SUPPORT: You appear to be an idealistic, intelligent young woman. But it's important you understand that apologizing for committing a crime against someone is not enough. The person must also be willing to accept the consequences of his actions. Drop by an elementary school and look at the 7-year-olds on the playground. That's how small and vulnerable you were when your father molested you.

Ask yourself: Did he quit drinking and get help for his alcohol problem? Did he talk to his minister and confess what he did? Did he seek professional help of any kind? Are there little girls in your extended family?

You are exhibiting two classic signs of an abuse victim. One is thinking that people will regard you differently if you disclose that you were victimized. Another is the impulse to "protect" your abuser.

I'm all for the power of prayer, but rather than tell your girlfriends, is your mother aware of what happened? If she is unavailable to you, then you should talk to your minister or a trusted counselor at school. If you're afraid this will "betray" your father, call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) toll-free at (800) 656-4673. You can speak to one of the counselors there in complete confidence. They are experienced and can guide you about what -- or what not -- to do next.

DEAR ABBY: You advised "Susan in Southern Oregon" (Dec. 1), who asked about the appropriateness of giving alcohol as a gift at an office party, that "the only time that alcohol would be an inappropriate gift is when the giver knows the recipient doesn't use it." As a former psychiatric social worker, I would say that the only time alcohol would be an appropriate gift is when the giver knows the recipient would use it, and do so responsibly.

People aren't always forthcoming about their views and experiences regarding alcohol, so it's best to play it safe. Many people abstain from alcohol because they are recovering alcoholics or have seen the devastating results that alcoholism has had on a loved one's life. Others have religious reasons for not imbibing.

Giving alcohol as a gift may not only dismay the recipient, it could also lead to worse results if the giftee is someone who is struggling to stay sober. -- AMY IN DOVER, DEL.

DEAR AMY: You have raised many valid points. Most of my readers disagreed with my answer, and their reasons have made me reconsider my advice to Susan. I was wrong. (Mea culpa.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Imagine receiving a bottle of alcohol after growing up in a home with an abusive father who drank. Not only would you not want it, you wouldn't want to give it to anyone else. Imagine receiving a bottle of alcohol after having lost a child in an automobile accident caused by a drunk driver. Would you want that reminder, or would you want to regift it to someone who might get drunk with that bottle and cause someone else's death? -- JOE IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: Many alcoholics choose not to reveal their disease. It is called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason. A person may have been in recovery for many years and may not wish to tell anyone except close family and longtime friends.

A gift of alcohol would be a temptation to any recovering alcoholic, one that is hard to resist. The mind can easily rationalize: "It was a gift. I might as well get rid of it. I can share it with others, so it's not so bad." The slope grows steeper from there. -- ANONYMOUS IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ABBY: Have you any idea what it is like to get knocked across a room because you asked your daddy to play with you? Have you seen your Christmas tree knocked over because your mother and father were having a fistfight?

My father owned one of the largest businesses in our town. We belonged to the country club. Yet my parents died in poverty because of alcohol. Of the four siblings, I am the only one who doesn't have an alcohol abuse problem.

I am frequently asked to attend functions so I can be the designated driver. I think the slogan "Friends don't let friends drink and drive" should be changed to "Real friends don't try to shift their responsibility." -- A SURVIVOR IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, I would have agreed with your answer. I am the president of a construction company, and it was standard practice for us to give alcohol at Christmas to a number of our customers.

Then one day, I received a call from a tearful woman who asked if we had given alcohol to her husband. When I answered yes, she said that in the future, she would appreciate it if we wouldn't do that anymore. Her husband, an alcoholic, had consumed the entire bottle, gone home and beaten her up. We discontinued the practice immediately.

I would not advise people to gift alcohol unless they know the recipient very well and know it will not cause harm to him or her, or those around them. -- SAFER IN TENNESSEE