DEAR ABBY: How do I cope with the ending of a very long friendship? I saw warning signs for a couple of years, and tried many times to talk to my best friend about what seemed to be happening. Her values and priorities are moving in other directions now. I no longer feel appreciated as her friend.

My heart is breaking. We have been friends for half our lives. This is more devastating than any divorce, death or hurricane I have ever experienced. She is how I have gotten through my life this far.

There are support groups out there for everything under the sun, except for losing a best friend due to indifference and lack of caring. Please advise me. -- THROWN AWAY IN PASADENA, TEXAS

DEAR THROWN AWAY: I know you are hurting, and I am sorry. But friendships are not just made up of helping each other through the hard times; there is also a component of celebrating the good ones. While she may have been your leaning post, you need to examine what you were to her. If the load became too much to carry, it's understandable that she would need to back off.

While there are no support groups for people in your situation, there are counselors who can help you sort through your feelings -- and because this experience has been devastating, you should talk with one.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl from a religious home. When I was 7, my father got very drunk and molested me. It had a terrible impact on me.

He has apologized for what happened and knows I hate him for it and can't forgive him. It hasn't happened since, and I know he's telling the truth. I feel the next step in my healing is to confide in my friends and ask them to pray for me. But if I do, I know they won't look at me the same. I'm afraid they'll get their parents to intervene and something will happen to Dad. That's the last thing I want. Should I tell? -- NEEDS SUPPORT IN PHILLY

DEAR NEEDS SUPPORT: You appear to be an idealistic, intelligent young woman. But it's important you understand that apologizing for committing a crime against someone is not enough. The person must also be willing to accept the consequences of his actions. Drop by an elementary school and look at the 7-year-olds on the playground. That's how small and vulnerable you were when your father molested you.

Ask yourself: Did he quit drinking and get help for his alcohol problem? Did he talk to his minister and confess what he did? Did he seek professional help of any kind? Are there little girls in your extended family?

You are exhibiting two classic signs of an abuse victim. One is thinking that people will regard you differently if you disclose that you were victimized. Another is the impulse to "protect" your abuser.

I'm all for the power of prayer, but rather than tell your girlfriends, is your mother aware of what happened? If she is unavailable to you, then you should talk to your minister or a trusted counselor at school. If you're afraid this will "betray" your father, call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) toll-free at (800) 656-4673. You can speak to one of the counselors there in complete confidence. They are experienced and can guide you about what -- or what not -- to do next.

DEAR ABBY: You advised "Susan in Southern Oregon" (Dec. 1), who asked about the appropriateness of giving alcohol as a gift at an office party, that "the only time that alcohol would be an inappropriate gift is when the giver knows the recipient doesn't use it." As a former psychiatric social worker, I would say that the only time alcohol would be an appropriate gift is when the giver knows the recipient would use it, and do so responsibly.

People aren't always forthcoming about their views and experiences regarding alcohol, so it's best to play it safe. Many people abstain from alcohol because they are recovering alcoholics or have seen the devastating results that alcoholism has had on a loved one's life. Others have religious reasons for not imbibing.

Giving alcohol as a gift may not only dismay the recipient, it could also lead to worse results if the giftee is someone who is struggling to stay sober. -- AMY IN DOVER, DEL.

DEAR AMY: You have raised many valid points. Most of my readers disagreed with my answer, and their reasons have made me reconsider my advice to Susan. I was wrong. (Mea culpa.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Imagine receiving a bottle of alcohol after growing up in a home with an abusive father who drank. Not only would you not want it, you wouldn't want to give it to anyone else. Imagine receiving a bottle of alcohol after having lost a child in an automobile accident caused by a drunk driver. Would you want that reminder, or would you want to regift it to someone who might get drunk with that bottle and cause someone else's death? -- JOE IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: Many alcoholics choose not to reveal their disease. It is called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason. A person may have been in recovery for many years and may not wish to tell anyone except close family and longtime friends.

A gift of alcohol would be a temptation to any recovering alcoholic, one that is hard to resist. The mind can easily rationalize: "It was a gift. I might as well get rid of it. I can share it with others, so it's not so bad." The slope grows steeper from there. -- ANONYMOUS IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ABBY: Have you any idea what it is like to get knocked across a room because you asked your daddy to play with you? Have you seen your Christmas tree knocked over because your mother and father were having a fistfight?

My father owned one of the largest businesses in our town. We belonged to the country club. Yet my parents died in poverty because of alcohol. Of the four siblings, I am the only one who doesn't have an alcohol abuse problem.

I am frequently asked to attend functions so I can be the designated driver. I think the slogan "Friends don't let friends drink and drive" should be changed to "Real friends don't try to shift their responsibility." -- A SURVIVOR IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, I would have agreed with your answer. I am the president of a construction company, and it was standard practice for us to give alcohol at Christmas to a number of our customers.

Then one day, I received a call from a tearful woman who asked if we had given alcohol to her husband. When I answered yes, she said that in the future, she would appreciate it if we wouldn't do that anymore. Her husband, an alcoholic, had consumed the entire bottle, gone home and beaten her up. We discontinued the practice immediately.

I would not advise people to gift alcohol unless they know the recipient very well and know it will not cause harm to him or her, or those around them. -- SAFER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR ABBY: I have an issue that has me concerned, and I need some expertise. I have a problem with anger. I don't know what triggers it. It happens out of the blue sometimes.

I have never struck out in anger toward another person, but people have witnessed my outbursts and seemed taken aback by the behavior. The instances occur every month or two.

I'm a nice guy. I would bend over backward to help someone if I could. My verbal explosions contradict who I am inside. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to control my temper in these situations? -- HOTHEAD IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HOTHEAD: Anger is a normal emotion. Everyone has experienced it at one time or another. When primitive men and women were faced with a potential threat, they reacted instinctively with either fear or anger. It was nature's way of enabling us to run away or fight back. Even infants display anger by screaming or holding their breath until they turn red. And we've all seen older children throw tantrums, holler and throw things.

Whatever is causing your angry outbursts, it is important to analyze what has been triggering them. Being out of work, unable to pay one's bills or feeling unfairly treated can arouse feelings of anger. Being hurt emotionally by someone can cause it, too. People have been known to become angry if their beliefs or values are questioned or threatened.

Low self-esteem can also cause people to feel easily threatened. Many people who suffer from chronic low self-esteem feel they must continually prove themselves. To compensate for their feelings of inadequacy, they are driven to "win every battle," whether at sports or in an argument.

People who are overly tired have been known to lash out without real provocation. Being physically ill can have the same effect. (You can break that cycle by simply explaining that you're not feeling well and ask for patience because your temper is short at such times.)

Depression, drugs and alcohol abuse have long been known to cause people to lose control of their emotions and say -- and do -- things they later regret. I publish a booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," that was created to help people learn to control their anger. For people of all ages, it is a kind of survival guide to help them understand their anger and appropriately deal with it. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Most of us have been trained from early childhood to suppress anger. But it is even more important to learn to express it in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Anger can be a positive emotion if it is channeled in the right direction. Uncontrolled, it can be a killer.

Now that we have become somewhat -- one hopes -- civilized adults, the challenge we face when something angers us is how to deal with it effectively and constructively, rather than thoughtlessly reacting.