DEAR ABBY: When I was 12, my cousin "Larry" gave me a hallucinogen-laced candy bar and raped me. I struggled with depression and anxiety during all of my teenage and young adult years. The herpes I got from him left me with lifelong issues.

With the support of Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) and a therapist, I was eventually able to process the terrible repressed memories. My journey of recovery and healing includes living with healthy boundaries -- so when my father died, I made it known that Larry was not welcome at the funeral. My cousin "Janet" was very upset by my choice. She has been ignoring me since. I am hurt by her behavior, but not devastated.

Abby, I'd appreciate your printing this letter to encourage other survivors so they, too, can live full lives with boundaries. We do not have to allow ourselves to be ruled by dysfunctional family issues. Thank you. -- GRATEFUL RECOVERING SURVIVOR IN NEW YORK

DEAR SURVIVOR: You're right, you don't. And because funerals are to comfort the living, and Cousin Larry's presence would have been upsetting, you were right to exclude him.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous, a 12-step program for persons 18 years or older who have been victims of child sexual abuse, has been mentioned in my column before. It has been successful in helping people who were traumatized by childhood abuse become -- as the name indicates -- survivors. It offers assistance in starting groups, a volunteer information and referral line, and also sells literature and a newsletter. Its website is � HYPERLINK "http://www.siawso.org" ��www.siawso.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old guy. Two years ago I saw the cutest guy at work I had ever seen. After finally working up enough courage, I asked "Peter" to go out with me -- as friends. The more I got to know him, the harder I fell for him. Peter is quiet, intelligent, a perfect balance between introvert and extrovert. For lack of a better word, he is "distinctive" -- unlike any person I have ever met.

Earlier this year he asked me to be his roommate. I was unsure if that was a wise decision, knowing how strongly I feel for him. I decided to do it, wondering whether Peter's feelings for me would strengthen as he got to know me better through our living arrangement. We have discussed our goals in life, and Peter says he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship until he reaches his 30s. (He's my age.) That said, I have gotten mixed signals.

Abby, I am ready for a relationship and I want it to be with him. Should I tell him how I feel? I worry that if I don't say something now, I may lose my chance to someone else. -- HEAD OVER HEELS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HEAD OVER HEELS: Remaining silent is not a solution to your problem. But neither is forcing Peter into making a premature commitment he doesn't feel he's ready for. You need to tell him your feelings without demanding a commitment from him to determine if your feelings are in any way reciprocated. Then you can decide whether or not you need to move on. I can imagine few things more painful than loving someone and having to watch that person become romantically involved with others.

DEAR ABBY: "The One Left Behind in Oregon" (Nov. 16) was disowned by her parents and brother after leaving her abusive husband. She asked how to forgive her father now that he is dying. You told her she didn't have to because he did not ask for forgiveness. I disagree. If she doesn't do it, she will be the one to suffer.

As a recovery counselor, I work with people to help them forgive those who had hurt them -- whether or not the offenders deserved to be forgiven. Why? Because resentment hurts the resenter far more than it hurts the offender. Grudges are cancers in our souls. Forgiveness isn't a gift we give to others, but a gift we give ourselves.

It is especially important for "Left Behind" to see her father now as a way to prevent any regrets she may have in the future. If he's still hostile on his deathbed, that's an issue he'll carry to the grave. -- KATHERINE IN CHILLICOTHE, OHIO

DEAR KATHERINE: Many readers echoed your sentiments and offered a different perspective for "Left Behind" to consider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had an alcoholic father who beat us, then left us never to return. I was angry for years until I realized I was hurting no one but myself. He never asked, but I forgave him so I wouldn't carry anger around for the rest of my life. I wrote him a letter and told him I forgave him for all the beatings and drunken rages. He never responded, but I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders.

"Left Behind" might consider writing her father a letter saying how hurt she has been, but letting him know she has forgiven him. She might be surprised and get a response back, but if she doesn't, at least she'll be rid of that burden. -- FORGAVE HIM IN DAPHNE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: My family members also sided with my abusive ex-spouse. At first it hurt, but over time I came to realize that not forgiving them was hurting me more than them. I'm not saying I have the same relationship with my family now, but in order to truly move on with my life I had to clear my heart and mind. Forgiveness is not only for the offenders as much as it is for the offended. Forgive your father even if he doesn't ask for it, and see him before it's too late. If he sends you away, at least you tried. -- HAVE ALSO BEEN THERE

DEAR ABBY: To forgive someone is a decision to let go of the hatred, hurt and resentment even when the other person doesn't deserve it or ask for it. When we can do this, the terrible deed loses its hold on our lives. Forgiveness is an act of strength, not weakness. It is healthy for us. -- A.Q. IN MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: I was in a similar position as "Left Behind" with my mother many years ago. Although I couldn't bear to talk to her face-to-face, I wrote a letter saying a few positive things about our relationship. She never spoke of it to me, but I learned later from another relative that she read it over and over and that it was in her hands when she died. Knowing that I made the best effort I could to say goodbye in a compassionate and loving way has lasted far longer than the hurt and anger. -- ANNA IN CORTLAND, ILL.

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DEAR ABBY: My son, "Jarod," was in a relationship with "Gayle," who has a small son, "Danny." My husband and I took Danny into our hearts as our grandson. Danny formed a bond with Jarod's other two children and they consider him a brother. Although Jarod's relationship with Gayle didn't last, we continue to maintain close ties with Danny.

Jarod's new girlfriend, "Liz," also has a small son. Liz has asked me to end my relationship with Danny because she considers it a "threat" to her and her son.

I feel Liz is asking too much. How can I just stop loving Danny? Why is she asking me to do this? When I asked Liz if she were to break up with Jarod, would that mean I could never again speak to her son, she said, "Yes"!

I don't think relationships should be disposable, but I can see that refusing Liz's request will cause a rift. She refuses to visit our home as long as we continue to treat Danny as our grandson. I need your advice because my heart is breaking. -- EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EMOTIONALLY INVESTED: What Liz is saying is not a "request," it's blackmail. It appears your son is involved with an insecure and manipulative woman who does not grasp that there is room in your heart for Jarod's children, Danny and her son, too.

I sincerely hope you won't give in, and that you will talk to your son and explain to him that you would like to accept Liz and her son, but if she persists in the stance she's taking, you will miss her. You have described someone who has a lot of growing up to do, and I hope your son recognizes it before he makes a mistake he may regret.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor's children were walking home from school last month when I saw that they had dropped some papers. When I returned them to the kids, I noticed they were behind on their school lunch bill. The oldest child mentioned, "I hope Mom can pay or we'll have to eat cheese sandwiches." I was beyond angry! Their father is doing his second tour in Afghanistan, and their mother is doing her best to make ends meet.

I took my fury to the school and discovered the kids didn't qualify for free lunches because their parents were just a couple of dollars over the limit. What a disgraceful way to treat the family of a soldier! I had money set aside for Christmas and decided to pay for those children's lunches for the rest of the year. It wasn't cheap -- $2 per lunch for three kids -- but it was worth it.

Abby, please let your readers know that if anyone can afford even a few dollars, to inquire at their local school if there is a soldier's child -- or any child -- who needs a free lunch. Our soldiers shouldn't have to worry about their kids going hungry in school.

P.S. My neighbors do not know about my donation. -- LENDING A HAND IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR LENDING A HAND: You are an angel. One would think that children of active members of the military would get a better break, but if your letter is any indication, it appears that isn't the case.

Readers, if you have a few dollars to spare, consider contacting your local school(s) and asking if they have a program to accommodate children from families whose income may be "just over the line." Privacy rules may prevent the identities of the children from being disclosed, but the money could be put into a fund for this purpose.

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