DEAR ABBY: As the mother of a child with special needs, my heart goes out to "Boiling Mad in New Jersey" (July 23). My daughter, "Kate," is also stared at in public. I, too, used to bristle at the unwanted attention, until I began to open up and talk with people. I found most of them to be compassionate and merely curious. Sometimes seeing Kate triggered their memory of a loved one who was affected by a similar challenge.

As often as I can, I take the time to do mini "public service announcements" and chat with folks who linger, look or approach. It's a great way to build a bridge between disabled individuals, who have much to teach, and the non-disabled, who have much to learn. The kids are my favorites. They'll openly ask what everyone wants to know and say what others are afraid to risk saying.

Kate is 16 now, beautiful inside and out. She's pure, loves unconditionally and always forgives. She's our teacher. Please tell "Boiling Mad" that time heals some of the rawness of a fresh diagnosis, and if she'll try to find the best in others, she'll usually be right. -- HAPPIER NOW IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR HAPPIER: Thank you for your insightful letter. You are among many readers who shared similar views on transforming a "staring session" into a positive opportunity. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I worked with special-needs children for a number of years. I actually believe that it is good when people stare. It gives us a chance to help the child learn social skills.

Would "Boiling Mad" prefer everyone pretend her son doesn't exist? How horrible to isolate him like that. It'll make him miserable. The people looking aren't mean, they're just human. Children like to be looked at; it makes them feel important.

Her precious little boy doesn't have only disabilities. He has abilities, too, and developing them should be the focus of every activity she does with him. She'll be amazed at and proud of his growth. -- KATHY IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR ABBY: My child has moderate autism spectrum disorder. Although he looks like everyone else, his extreme behavior brings stares and comments (mostly about my parenting). I now regard it as an opportunity to educate them about autism. I hand them a card explaining it that contains a link to the Autism Society of America.

This tactic, rather than ignoring people, is the way to go. If more people educated others, the stares and rude comments would become smiles and support. -- JON IN BEAVERCREEK, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I'm one of those folks who "stare" at others. By no means is there ever a bad intent. I'm a people-watcher. I love watching people communicate in different ways, like signing. Whether someone is in a wheelchair or has a visible disability, I value each and every person.

Maybe "Boiling Mad" doesn't understand that many of us are willing to reach out, lend a hand or just be friendly. I wish to embrace, not ignore, and I hope my behavior isn't perceived to be offensive. -- WELL-MEANING AND OPEN

DEAR ABBY: As parents of a daughter with Down syndrome, we often saw people -- mostly children -- who couldn't take their eyes off our Sara. When she asked us why they were staring and we told her it was because she was so beautiful, she decided to do them a favor and introduce herself. In crowded amusement park lines and outdoor events she'd walk over and say, "Hi. I'm Sara. What's your name?" We have had many great conversations with total strangers and met new friends this way over the past 23 years. Today, Sara and her mom speak at conferences all over the world promoting the hiring of people with disabilities. -- PROUD DAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old male who finds it awkward talking to women my age. I do OK approaching older women for conversation, but become tongue-tied with someone under 25. I would like to meet someone special and develop a relationship with her, but at this rate it's not going to happen anytime soon.

I am told by friends and family that I'm handsome, charming and have a good sense of humor. There will be holiday parties coming up soon, and my friends will be inviting some new people. How can I learn to strike up a conversation? I'm having a real problem here. -- H.P. IN MIAMI BEACH

DEAR H.P.: Not everyone is born with the gift of gab. In fact, most people aren't. But a smile will tell others that you're approachable. It's the universal way of saying, "I'm friendly." If you want to get to know someone, walk over and say, "Hi, I'm 'Hal' -- what's your name?" Introducing yourself isn't being pushy. It's being friendly.

As I say in my booklet "How to Be Popular," the surest cure for shyness is to forget yourself and concentrate on the other person. Everyone can be charming. Charm is putting the other person at ease, making him or her feel comfortable and important.

Believe it or not, being a good listener will do more for you than being a good talker. Give people a chance to talk about themselves, and they'll think YOU'RE a great conversationalist. But, when asking questions as a means to get the other person talking, take care that your questions are tactful, discreet and not too personal.

Stay current on what's going on in the world and in the headlines. The more informed you are, the better company you will be. But don't be a know-it-all. People who come off like they're an authority on everything are about as welcome as a skunk at a garden party. That's not to say it pays to be ignorant; rather that the know-it-alls make those of us who are just average feel insecure and uncomfortable.

When talking to people, look them in the eye. And when you're being spoken to, focus your attention on the person who's addressing you. Nothing turns people off quicker than trying to carry on a conversation with someone whose eyes are constantly wandering -- to see who just came in or who else is in the room.

I offer many more tips on how to be socially successful in my booklet, which can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. And remember, a good conversationalist doesn't brag, and doesn't constantly put himself down. A good conversationalist is an upper. Find something positive to say. Be open and listen to other people's viewpoints. And don't have a stiff drink for "courage" because it loosens the tongue and can cause a social disaster.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away two years ago, and her first great-grandchild will be born in less than two months. I had hoped when I was still in my 30s to have a child of my own, so I had Mom crochet me a baby set -- sweater, booties, cap and blanket. Sadly, motherhood for me was not to be.

Do you think this baby set should go to the firstborn great-grandchild, or to Mom's favorite grandchild's children? The color is gender-neutral. Should I perhaps "loan" it to each of the great-grandchildren when they arrive to ensure that it will be maintained as a family heirloom? I paid for all the materials and Mom's time in creating these items. I feel it would be selfish not to share them. -- SOON-TO-BE-GREAT-AUNT

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-GREAT-AUNT: If you wish to establish that the baby set will become a family heirloom, stipulate that it is your intention that it be shared among the family members as more children come along. I do not recommend playing favorites with it, because to do so could create resentment.

However, it is important that you understand that once the baby set is given, it will be out of your control. There are no guarantees that it won't be damaged or hoarded. So unless you are ready to let go of it emotionally, don't give it away.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about a random act of kindness. Last night my husband and I went out to dinner with our two small children. He's in the Army and wore his uniform because he had gotten off late and he didn't want to keep the kids from eating while he changed.

While we waited for our meal to be served, our waiter came to us and said it was our "lucky night." The couple seated next to us was paying for the entire meal. Things like this have happened to my husband before -- with small lunches or drinks -- but never something as large as dinner for four. The gesture was touching and thoughtful, and made more special by the fact that it was the woman's birthday. That she thought of someone else on "her" day made me smile.

We only got the gentleman's name -- it was Russell, like our son's -- but not hers. We want to express our gratitude to her. And we hope her birthday was as delightful as our evening was, thanks to her. -- TOUCHED BY HER KINDNESS IN FORT HUACHUCA, ARIZ.

DEAR TOUCHED: I'm sure it was. Happy people like to spread the joy around. And thank you for reminding me and my readers how much an expression of gratitude to our members of the military can mean to those who receive one.

DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 2-month-old daughter, and I like to dress her in little pants and shirts rather than dresses. Often these clothes are in gender-neutral colors -- yellow, green and, yes, sometimes blue.

Whenever she's wearing something other than pink, people assume she's a boy and say things like, "Oh, what a handsome little guy," or, "Hi, big boy!"

How would you suggest I respond to these people? Should I ignore them and go on with my errands or correct them? I hope that by reading this people will think before they assume a baby's gender based on the color of his/her clothing. -- ANNOYED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ANNOYED: They may or may not. The next time it happens, smile at the person and say, "It's a girl!"