DEAR ABBY: My father just passed away. He was a pastor. He and Mom were married 40 years, but their relationship became very strained during the last 10. Counseling was unsuccessful and they divorced 15 years ago. Dad was hurt and humiliated by it. Mom felt she had to escape a marriage that was killing her emotionally.

I received a draft of Dad's obituary from my two siblings. It mentions all surviving relatives except my mother, who is still alive and living in the same town where she and Dad spent most of their lives together. I feel omitting her is a slap in the face, but my sister says that because they were divorced, Mom "deserves" no mention. What is protocol in such a situation? -- SURVIVING SON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SON: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. While your sister may have said it in a way that seemed judgmental, she is technically correct. After a couple divorces and one of them dies, the name of the former spouse is usually not mentioned in the obituary.

DEAR ABBY: I had a suspicion that my wife's attentiveness to a neighbor was more than casual. He's a womanizer who boasts about his extramarital affairs to anyone who will listen.

I noticed some marks on my wife's body, and when I asked how she'd gotten them, her response was evasive. I found it so off-putting that I installed surveillance cameras in our house.

The cameras revealed in detail what has been going on. Our family and friends think my wife is prim and proper. It turns out she is anything but. In fact, I'm no longer sure I fathered our children.

Would it be wrong to send copies of her video activities to everyone so they can see who she really is? -- SAD AND ANGRY IN EAST TEXAS

DEAR ANGRY: No one would blame you if you ended the marriage, but for your children's sake, do not yield to the temptation to get even with your wife in this way. Making the tapes public could cause them emotional harm. Talk to a lawyer. Have genetic tests run to determine your children's paternity, but do not make the tapes public.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17. My girlfriend of eight months and I have an incredible relationship, but something is eating at me. She often mentions things she did with her past boyfriends. It's not like she's telling stories about the "good old days," but the fact that I hear their names in everyday conversation bothers me.

I want to be understanding because these guys were a big part of her life when they were in it. But I'm tired of hearing their current whereabouts or what they used to talk about. How can I get her to leave the past behind? -- IN THE "NOW" IN ALAMEDA, CALIF.

DEAR IN THE "NOW": Your girlfriend may not be aware of what she's doing and the effect it has on you. Tell her how her constant reminders of past relationships make you feel. If she cares about your feelings, she'll stop doing it.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: The most embarrassing thing happened to me at the chiropractor's office. I typically see him before going to the gym, and change into my gym clothes in the waiting area bathroom. It's easier for my doctor to treat me when I'm not in my office attire.

After completing my workout, I realized that my bra hadn't made it into my gym bag and must still be on the doctor's bathroom floor. I am embarrassed for two reasons: (1) He is single and handsome, and I don't want him to think I'm trying to send him a "signal" of some kind, and (2) it was my favorite bra!

How do I begin to address this? -- "DEBBIE" IN DALLAS

DEAR "DEBBIE": Your bra may be gone but I'm here to support you. Please stop feeling embarrassed. It's entirely possible that your chiropractor never saw the bra. Call the person who schedules your doctor's appointments, explain what happened, and ask if the item has been turned in. If it was, collect it when you go in for your next appointment or ask that it be sent to you.

DEAR ABBY: I reconnected with "Andy," a former high school classmate, and we started a relationship. Because of his actions last year the relationship ended. It started again several months ago. Currently it's on the right track.

Andy is a great guy who fulfills almost everything I am looking for. He accepts me for who I am and doesn't judge me. He's polite and cares about me.

My problem is, I'm not physically attracted to him. Abby, if he's "almost" everything I'm looking for, why am I not attracted to him? Am I blowing it with the one guy I'm supposed to be with, or is there someone else out there for me? -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CONFUSED: I wish you had mentioned what caused your breakup last year. If the reason you're not physically attracted to Andy is something he can change, you should talk to him about it. If it's nothing you can put your finger on, then talk with a counselor to see if the problem could be a fear of commitment on your part. But if it is neither, then face it -- you need to let him find someone who is attracted to him. To marry someone feeling as you do would be dishonest and cheat you both out of a full and happy union.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a guy, "Bill," who I believe is my soul mate. We have discussed our future and decided that after college we will have four kids. We love each other, and we're trying to wait until we're married to have sex. I talked to my parents about it, and Mom offered to put me on the pill.

I don't see any reason not to make love -- other than I always thought I'd wait until my honeymoon. Bill isn't pressuring me, either. I'm afraid that if we do it will complicate our relationship. I guess right now I'm looking for reasons not to because I don't have any. Is it wrong for me to want this? -- IN LOVE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR IN LOVE: I don't think so. You're an idealistic young woman who would like to give her husband a gift on her wedding night that can be given only once. It takes self-control, discipline and determination to accomplish that -- particularly with the emphasis on sex in popular culture. If you wait to have sex until you are married, you will never regret it. If you don't, you might. So hang in there until you're sure you're ready or you have said "I do."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Kyle," and I decided to elope two weeks ago. His mother and mine had both said they'd be fine with an elopement. My sister and Kyle's brother were our witnesses -- other than that it was just us.

When we told Kyle's family, they were elated and congratulated us on the spot. When I called my mother, she didn't say much. A couple of days later, I called to make plans to visit her, and she began telling me how many people I had "hurt" by eloping. Mom and I have always had problems communicating and she has a long history of holding me to a higher standard than my siblings. (My sister also eloped, and there were no hard feelings then.)

I am frustrated with Mom and the other members of my family who have chosen to be hurt rather than happy for us. I wouldn't have eloped if I hadn't received the green light from Mom earlier. I have sent out a letter of apology, but I am annoyed that it takes the place of a real wedding announcement. Please help. -- BAFFLED ALBUQUERQUE BRIDE

DEAR BAFFLED BRIDE: I'm sorry you sent a letter of apology instead of a wedding announcement. You did not have to. If questioned about your elopement, all you had to say was you had the blessing of both your mothers before you did it.

Your mom may be upset that she was not among the "chosen few" to be present when you said "I do" -- and her criticism now may be a reflection of it. You have a husband who loves you and at least one sibling with whom you are close. Treasure that and stop depending on your mother's approval, and you will be better off emotionally than you are right now.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Dwight" for a while now, and things are becoming more serious. Dwight has expressed a desire to make a trip several states away so I can meet his parents. We have even gone so far as discussing how we would handle religion if we have children. I have mixed feelings about the trip. I am both elated and terrified.

Dwight's father is a minister in a small town. My parents were not religious at all and neither am I. Dwight understands that, and he is fine with it.

When I meet his parents, I'm sure they will inevitably ask why I don't share their beliefs. How do I answer them honestly without offending them? -- NON-BELIEVER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR NON-BELIEVER: I see nothing offensive about explaining to them -- as you did to me -- that your parents were not religious and they didn't raise you to be.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Keira," has been dating someone I dated for a short time. Although I was the one who ended the relationship, I still feel uncomfortable with her dating him. The guy means nothing to me and I have moved on to someone else, but it still bothers me.

I told Keira how I feel. She told me I need to be happy for her. It has been three weeks since we last spoke, and I just don't know what else to say. Should I end our friendship since she obviously doesn't care about my feelings? -- DISCONNECTED FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR DISCONNECTED: You say Keira is your "best" friend. What about her feelings? You rejected the guy, which means (to me) that in some way he didn't measure up to your standards. Why begrudge Keira her happiness? Answer that question and you'll know whether this is really worth ending the friendship over.