life

Restaurant Gadabout Leaves Friend Alone at Their Table

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2010 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Brooke" knows everyone in town. It creates a huge distraction when we dine in a restaurant because she is constantly looking around to see who else she knows. When she spots someone, she leaves me sitting at the table to go and say hello to the person.

If this happened once, it would be acceptable. But it occurs continually throughout the meal and interrupts our conversation. The fact that Brooke is constantly scouting the room for others to greet makes meaningful conversation impossible because her mind is never fully present.

I have reached the point of no longer wanting to dine with her although she is a good friend. How would you recommend resolving this? -- ALONE AT THE TABLE, LAS CRUCES, N.M.

DEAR ALONE AT THE TABLE: Have a frank talk with Brooke, and explain how her rudeness has made you feel. If her behavior continues, then socialize with her in places where there are no distractions -- like her home or yours.

She may be insecure and feel a compulsion to ingratiate herself with others, but constantly leaving you alone at the table shows lack of consideration for your feelings. Also, I find it curious that all those people she knows do not come by your table to greet her -- and possibly be introduced, don't you?

life

Dear Abby for September 13, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2010 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work with a nice woman in a service-oriented job. She wears a full set of dentures -- top and bottom. When she's nervous, she has a habit of "clicking" and adjusting them. It gets worse when she's had an energy drink.

Personally, I can ignore it. But I have heard comments from customers and co-workers who wonder if she's "on something" -- like speed.

Should I tell her what people are saying or suggest she use a product to help keep the dentures in place? I would hate for her reputation to be ruined because of this nervous habit. -- CARING CO-WORKER IN IOWA

DEAR CARING CO-WORKER: Take the woman aside and tell her privately that the clicking is distracting to customers and co-workers. She may not be aware that she is doing anything. Suggest that she discuss this with her dentist because her dentures may need adjusting -- or, as you mentioned, her dentist can recommend a product to stabilize them. She may be more receptive if she hears it from a dental health professional.

life

Dear Abby for September 13, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2010 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I purchased some things at an estate sale. Later, while looking in a piece of luggage, I found a gold watch (with an appraisal of $7,000 that was in the same box) and a string of pearls.

What is the proper thing to do in a situation like this? The estate people are long gone, but there was a name on the appraisal. I tried doing a search on the Internet, but can't locate the person. Will I have bad karma if I keep these items? This person must have family somewhere. -- FINDERS KEEPERS?

DEAR FINDERS KEEPERS?: If you have exhausted all avenues at your disposal to find the heirs, keep the items with a clear conscience.

life

Harassed Worker Won't Make Waves in Tough Job Market

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2010 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work six days a week at a minimum-wage job. My boss is constantly finding reasons to hug or touch me. Last week he even tried to kiss me. I left work that night feeling violated and upset.

It's really hard to find jobs right now. I can't afford to quit or get fired. What do I do to get this man to leave me alone and still keep my job? Please help! -- GROSSED OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Tell the man you don't like what he's doing and to stop it. If he doesn't, be sure that every incident is documented, including date and time. If the company has a sexual harassment policy, you should follow it or go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) or equivalent state agency office nearest you and file a claim. Your job will be protected during the investigation that will follow.

life

Dear Abby for September 12, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2010 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My family and I recently spent time with my parents at their home in another state. After we returned, my 10-year-old son and his 14-year-old sister told me they don't like going to visit them. My mom loves us, but she is a negative and depressed person. She doesn't love Dad and doesn't bother to disguise that fact.

I mentioned this to a friend and she said I should tell my mother what my son said. She thinks it could make Mom "see the light" and change for the better. Considering my mother's depressed state, should I tell her? -- UNDECIDED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNDECIDED: Perhaps. But if you do, be diplomatic. You might begin by telling her you could see how "down" she was when you all came to visit, and that she could get so much more out of life if she sought professional help for her depression -- specifically some sessions with a licensed counselor. You could also mention that, while your father may not be her favorite person -- it would be better if it was not so obvious to the grandchildren, because they sensed the tension and mentioned it when they returned home.

If you broach the subject lovingly, she might listen and take steps to help herself. One thing is certain -- if you say nothing, nothing will change.

life

Dear Abby for September 12, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2010 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been a social worker in two skilled nursing homes for the past six years. I often hear visitors approach patients with dementia and say, "Do you know who I am?" or "Do you know who this is?" It's like giving the person with dementia a test, one which the person will often fail. It would be more effective to approach the person and say, "It is so nice to see you. I am (whomever) and knew you (in whatever circumstances)."

Persons with dementia do not need to be reminded that they don't recall something. Most of them know it. Even relatives -- brothers, sisters, sons and daughters -- may need to introduce themselves to their loved ones. Rather than giving the person with dementia a test when you visit, set up the visit to succeed by making simple introductions.

Remember, people who have dementia can remember things that happened a long time ago, but they may not recall what happened in the last five minutes. Visitors should talk about the "good old days" and everyone will experience a good visit. -- P.B. IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR P.B.: Because increasing numbers of individuals are being diagnosed with dementia, I hope your suggestion will be taken to heart by my readers. In cases like this, the visitor should expect to be the one who guides the conversation. It's important to keep visits positive, loving and stress-free.

life

Teen Cries Foul Over Dad's Invasion of Her Cell Phone

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2010 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Like most 16-year-old girls, I have a cell phone. My father pays for it and I'm grateful that he does, even though I live with my mom and he's a two-hour drive away. He has been paying for it for a year and a half.

Every month when I visit him he demands to see my phone. Then he looks through my messages and photos. There's nothing "bad" on my phone, but I feel my personal space is being invaded. I brought it up to him a few times, but he just said, "Deal with it!" He said if I don't want him to see something, I should delete it.

What can I do to get my dad to respect my privacy? I feel he wants to control my life. I want my own space. -- GETTING GRIEF IN GRANTS PASS, ORE.

DEAR GETTING GRIEF: I'm sure your father means well, but his attempt at "supervision" when you visit him seems heavy-handed. The first thing you should do is discuss your feelings with your mother. Perhaps she can help him understand that you're mature enough to be trusted. But if that doesn't work, you will have to figure out a way to come up with the money to pay for your own cell phone.

life

Dear Abby for September 11, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2010 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My father went to prison when I was 2 months old. My mother and maternal grandparents made sure I had a relationship with him through phone calls and letters. They told me early on what he did, and I have worked through it.

After 22 years and eight parole hearings, my father has been granted a parole. He will be home with my paternal grandparents in October. I'm happy and excited, but he's trying to make up for lost time. He has a son who wants nothing to do with any of us, so it's all left to me. He said, "Your mother had you for the first 22 holidays. I get the next 22," and he expects me to spend the entire first week he's home at my grandparents' house with him.

I am very close to my mom and younger siblings. I love our holiday traditions and don't want to give any of that up. Furthermore, I'm not comfortable staying at my grandparents' home. I don't know them well, and I don't sleep well in strange places.

I work full-time, go to school and have my own house with my fiance. I think my father wants more than I am ready to give right now. What do I do? -- FEELING ANXIOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANXIOUS: Your father is starved for family, which is understandable, but he has overlooked the fact that rebuilding a relationship can't be done on a seven-day timetable. What you need to do is tell him that he is demanding more than you are ready, able and comfortable giving -- and you would prefer to get to know him at your own pace. And stand by that, or he may devour you as he tries to make up for all the years he has wasted because of his mistakes. Frankly, I think his demand is presumptuous, and I'm glad you wrote.

life

Dear Abby for September 11, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2010 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have two large dogs. They are very sweet, but they are young and can be hyperactive. On more than one occasion guests have requested that I put my dogs outside so they can be more comfortable.

I feel it's rude to ask such a thing when it is the dogs' home. They knew about my dogs prior to the visit. Am I wrong for not catering to my guests? Or are my guests wrong for even asking? -- BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE IN ARIZONA

DEAR BARKING: It is your responsibility as a pet owner to control your dogs and teach them good manners. If the presence of guests on the premises so overstimulates the dogs that they can't control themselves, then as a gracious host, you should remove them so they can calm down -- or not entertain at your home.

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