DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were having dinner with another couple when a conversation ensued that divided the men's views from the women's. It concerned a recently widowed man (I'll call him "John") who is dating a woman from our wives' circle of friends, "Peggy." (Peggy is a widow.)

The wives were appalled that John has begun dating only three months after his wife "Gloria's" death, and insisted a woman in his situation would not. Furthermore, the women went on to question whether it was appropriate for him to date within Gloria's circle of friends. Our wives believe that anyone within this circle should be off limits, while we men don't see it as a problem.

So my question is: What is the proper protocol? (As an aside, the women now shun both John and Peggy.) -- JUST WONDERING IN THE BAY AREA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: "The wives" obviously identify with Gloria and feel that John's not wearing sackcloth and ashes for at least a year after her death is disrespectful to her memory. That's what they would expect from you. They would also prefer that you not date any of the available women in your circle. They were stating their feelings. So consider yourselves put on notice!

From my perspective, it seems your wives feel neither John nor Peggy has grieved long enough, and so they are punishing them. It is possible, however, that Gloria told John she didn't want him to be alone and grieve after she was gone, which is why he is being comforted by someone who knew them both. I'd advise your wives to give them the benefit of the doubt instead of shunning them.

DEAR ABBY: I regularly get phone calls that start with, "How are you doing?" I am often stuck trying to recognize the voice and sometimes I can't. When I ask who's calling, the caller becomes miffed that I didn't recognize his or her voice.

Have people forgotten telephone manners? Receiving no introduction from a caller often leaves me in the dark. I was taught to identify myself before starting the conversation. Am I being a fuddy-duddy? -- WHO'S CALLING? IN RICHMOND, KY.

DEAR WHO: Your problem is not uncommon. Unless the caller is a close family member or friend, it's presumptuous for someone to assume his or her voice will be recognized.

Some people solve this problem by having caller ID on their phone so they can see a caller's name and/or number when the phone rings. Others handle it this way: "How am I doing? I'm doing great! How are YOU doing?" Once the person starts talking, the chances become greater that you'll know who's on the line. However, if you don't, feel free to add: "Who is this?"

DEAR ABBY: I recently had a child and would like to join a church for the community, moral messages and the music. I grew up going to one and got a lot out of it.

However, exploration throughout my 20s made me realize that I didn't believe what was being taught. I tried hard to accept the doctrines, but truthfully, I doubt I ever will. Would it be dishonest to start attending again? -- NEW MOM IN ARKANSAS

DEAR NEW MOM: Many people consider themselves to be more "spiritual" than "religious." And I'm willing to bet that in many congregations there is a range in the intensity of belief among the attendees.

I encourage you to select a denomination with which you feel most comfortable. Some -- like the Unitarian Universalist faith (� HYPERLINK "http://www.uua.org" ��www.uua.org�) -- have no dogma or creed and support their members in following their own spiritual paths.

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DEAR ABBY: I will graduate soon with a degree in nursing. This is a dream that is finally coming true. The problem is my mother-in-law expects me to take care of her and my father-in-law. They both have health issues, but nothing that requires 24-hour nursing care, and their medical issues can be resolved by simply taking their medications and following their doctors' advice.

I offered to help pay for home health care, but she said she doesn't want "outside" help. She expects me to uproot my family, move in with them and provide round-the-clock care, free of charge. I have worked hard to take care of my husband and children. I can't make a living working for free. I don't know how to say no without causing a major rift in the family. My mother-in-law doesn't take rejection well. Please help me. -- FEELING TRAPPED IN ARIZONA

DEAR FEELING TRAPPED: One of the hardest words in the English language for some people to say is "no." But if you don't master the art of standing up for yourself in a "charming" way, you will spend the rest of your in-laws' lives in indentured servitude.

So tell your mother-in-law that you have worked hard to get your nursing degree, and now you will be starting a career in the field. Tell her that you will gladly "oversee" their care -- from a distance -- but that you are not uprooting the family and moving in with them because it would be too disruptive. This is not "rejection." It is sanity. And it goes without saying your husband should back you up.

DEAR ABBY: My oldest granddaughter, "Allie," is a psychiatrist. I have always loved her, been proud of her accomplishments and have had a warm relationship with her.

Her mother -- my daughter -- got drunk and made several angry, harsh phone calls to Allie. Since then, Allie has refused contact with everyone in the family. I have written to her numerous times and so has my daughter, begging for forgiveness. My daughter has quit drinking, thanks to the patience and loving support of my family. She has also come out of an abusive marriage.

Allie gave birth to a baby girl last year. I have never seen my great-grandchild and it breaks my heart. Abby, what can I do to restore a good relationship with my granddaughter? I love her and pray for her every day. -- GRIEVING GRANDMA

DEAR GRIEVING GRANDMA: As your letter proves, being a mental health professional does not exempt someone from having family problems. Depending upon what your daughter said to Allie, it is understandable that she might want to protect herself -- and her baby -- from her verbally abusive, alcoholic parent. While it may be harsh for Allie to have cut off contact with all of her maternal relatives, including you, she may have done so to prevent you from trying to pressure her to "forgive" her mother for what has been an ongoing pattern of behavior.

Write Allie one more letter advising her that her mother is no longer drinking and has left her abusive marriage. Continue loving and praying for her. But until your granddaughter decides on her own to relent, there is nothing you can do to "fix" this. I'm sorry.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 and live in my mother's basement apartment with my boyfriend. We would like to be married soon, now that we're out of school and have stable careers. But I insist that we move out of Mom's house before making any permanent plans.

The problem is my mom, who is divorced, is unemployed and a social phobic, with few friends. We provide her with financial support by paying several hundred dollars a month in rent, in addition to other bills. She helps me with a loan when the rare emergency arises.

Every time I mention moving out, she becomes angry with me. She cries that she'll be left alone with no money -- and it makes me feel so guilty I relent. I have no idea what to do. My older sister, who is married with two children, might be able to help me out, but we have never been close and I'm reluctant to ask for her advice. Please help, Abby. -- MAMA'S GIRL IN ROSWELL, GA.

DEAR MAMA'S GIRL: You are not the solution to your mother's problems. The time has come for you to spread your wings and fly the nest. Before you leave, be sure the apartment is in the freshest condition possible so it can be rented and your mother will have some income. She will probably need professional help to overcome her ingrained social insecurities -- so encourage her to get it. (Some licensed psychotherapists specialize in phobic disorders.) It will change her life -- and yours -- for the better.

DEAR ABBY: If a girl ever needed advice, it's me. My father walked out 20 years ago, leaving four children and a disabled wife. He just vanished. We grew up and I searched for him. Because of the power of the Internet, I was contacted by his family, and Dad was found. He had reunited with his sister, who updated me.

Now I'm faced with the dilemma of how to speak to him for the first time since I was in diapers, and I am angry. My aunt advises me not to ask for answers to questions like "why" because I may not get them. Of the things he did say to her, not once did he express remorse.

I guess what I'm asking is how to talk to this stranger who altered my life. Most of what I have are questions. How am I not entitled to answers? Abby, this has been a long search and now that I have succeeded, I don't know what to do. -- STRESSED IN TEXAS

DEAR STRESSED: Your anger is justified. Unless he was locked in a mental ward, a man who would leave a disabled wife and four small children and "just vanish" is someone with no concern for anyone other than himself. Approach him with the same caution you would any other stranger, because that's what he is. Because this is stressful, list your questions in advance so you won't forget any. But I'm warning you: Do not allow him to make you feel sorry for him.

DEAR ABBY: Last night while walking my dog I noticed the lights in my neighbor's car had been left on. It was after midnight and his house was dark. I am not particularly close to this neighbor, although we acknowledge each other in passing. I rang his doorbell, but he didn't answer. The next morning as I left for work I saw the lights in his car were still on.

What is appropriate in this situation, Abby? Would people want to be told, or is it better to let them sleep? -- CARING NEIGHBOR, BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR NEIGHBOR: I can't speak for everyone, but I know I would much prefer to have someone ring my bell and tell me I forgot to turn off the lights than have to deal with a dead battery in the morning.