DEAR ABBY: I can empathize with "Deeply Hurt in Arizona" (March 16), who travels back to her hometown to see her large extended family and struggles to make time for her longtime friend "Judith," who nonetheless feels slighted.

My husband and I grew up in the Northeast but now live out of state. We have flown hundreds of miles with our children to visit our families back there. Once we arrived, it seemed we were expected to continue traveling from town to town to do all the visiting. It became very stressful.

These people made little effort to visit us in our state or even come to our "base" while we were in their area. While "Hurt" visits her elderly parents, Judith appears to be sitting around waiting for her and making little effort. Why doesn't Judith go to the parents' home? Or, better yet, have a girls' weekend in Arizona or somewhere in between?

We have gotten past our irritation with family and friends and do two things: 1. We tell people in advance when we're coming so they can make plans. Groups -- especially friends -- can double up, and see us and see each other. 2. We use our time the way we want and not the way we feel we are obligated to.

"Hurt" should urge Judith to try to come to her. The road goes both ways. -- WORKED IT OUT IN ALPHARETTA, GA.

DEAR WORKED IT OUT: Thank you for writing. The scenario in "Hurt's" letter hit a nerve with a number of readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my kids visit from out of state, I have an open house so the family can come to one place and spend time with them. This gives my kids more time to visit with me and any special friends they may want to see. It also lessens the guilt of not being able to see everyone. This has worked well for us, and now the family expects me to do it every time the kids come back. -- DIANA IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I agree that Judith is selfish and immature. I have friends all over the U.S., and when they come to visit, I understand that most of their time will be spent with family.

Judith needs to grow up and realize that not everything revolves around her. Instead of complaining about the lack of time "Hurt" has for her, Judith should make the most of the time she does get to spend. -- SHELLIE IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: There may be a crisis in Judith's life that she is displacing onto "Hurt." When the emotions around that crisis calm, she will need her old friend. Is there anyone in town who could find out what is going on?

I knew a woman who cut everyone out of her life in a rage after the betrayal of an assault by a loved one. Another person did the same thing after a cancer diagnosis. Once the shock faded and they began to deal with their issues, they confided in their old friends about what was really happening and were able to reconnect. -- SUSAN IN CENTERVILLE, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Our family moved two hours away to make a better life for our kids. With a newborn in tow, we spent the entire first summer traveling home to visit family and friends.

My best friend came to see us once in the first year after our move. Recently she told me that because I moved away, we no longer have anything in common and that "maybe we would cross paths again -- someday."

It hit me like a ton of bricks, but I have chosen to move on. If our paths were meant to cross again, they would not have split in the first place. -- ANGELA IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ABBY: Was the only time Judith heard from "Hurt" when she had a few precious moments for Judith? If one person has to do all the communicating, perhaps it isn't a true friendship -- and that is what Judith was trying to say.

The art of communication and caring is dying. Hey, folks: Friendship is a two-way street. -- BEEN THERE, TOO, IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: My husband had an affair with a stripper. I found out about it because he bought her some jewelry and was stupid enough to have the bill sent to our home.

We have been married more than 20 years and I love him, but this haunts me every day. I am heartbroken, but I'm trying to make our marriage work. He never admitted to any of it and says nothing happened between them.

I don't know whether to keep on trying or leave him and hope to get on with my life. What's your advice? -- WOUNDED HEART IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR WOUNDED HEART: You have my sympathy, but one person can't save a marriage alone. It takes effort on the part of both husband and wife, plus honest communication and often professional counseling to heal a relationship when there has been infidelity. Your husband may say "nothing" happened with the stripper, but the only man I can think of who bought jewelry for a woman he wasn't related to or romantically involved with was Michael Jackson when he gave some to Elizabeth Taylor.

Even though you love your husband, it's time to start taking care of yourself. And the place to start is by insisting on professional counseling. If he won't go, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 24-year-old developmentally disabled son who lives with us. Three months ago, he met a nice girl at the mental health program he attends. They hold hands, go to the movies and occasionally smooch.

Recently, "Jasper" had a mark on his neck. We were over at a friend's house for dinner when my best friend noticed the mark. She then proceeded to tell me I should consider getting Jasper "fixed." At first, I wasn't sure I'd heard her correctly, so I asked her to repeat it. I am shocked that she thinks I should have my son sterilized.

Jasper is diagnosed with ADD and Asperger's syndrome. According to his mental health counselor, he could someday be married, have children and lead a productive, independent life. It just may take him longer to get to that point in comparison with his peers.

How should I respond to my friend about her suggestion? When she made it, I didn't know what to say. -- SPEECHLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SPEECHLESS: If you still want to maintain the friendship with the woman, tell her what your son's mental health counselor said about his prospects for the future. But first, if you haven't already, make sure Jasper clearly understands everything he needs to know to protect himself and his nice girlfriend from premature parenthood.

DEAR ABBY: Please answer a question for me. Why do we fall in love with people who we absolutely, positively cannot have? -- HEARTBROKEN IN INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You have asked a question for which there is more than one answer. Some people do it because they don't recognize the warning signs quickly enough to back off before becoming enmeshed. Others can't resist a challenge. And still others do it because -- believe it or not -- it's less threatening than falling in love with someone we absolutely, positively CAN have.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced, middle-aged professional woman with a Ph.D. who has been keeping company with a man my age for seven years. "Burt" treats me well. He takes me out, has helped with some major home renovation projects, sends me flowers and I enjoy his company. I'm perfectly happy in his world, and I like most of his friends.

On the flip side, Burt is overweight, has a drinking problem and never finished college. My problem is, I can't bring myself to introduce him to those in my "professional circle." I'm afraid he will say something boorish, show up drunk or otherwise embarrass me.

Is there something intrinsically wrong with me that I'm ashamed to have the man I love meet people with whom I work and socialize? Is there something wrong with the relationship? -- IT'S COMPLICATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR IT'S COMPLICATED: There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the relationship. It has worked for seven years. What's "wrong" may be that you're afraid you have "settled" for someone who isn't up to the standards of those in your professional circle. If you are happy, why do you feel you must live up to someone else's standards?

Of course, this doesn't have to be a deal breaker. If you and Burt are a happy couple, keep your personal and professional lives separate. Many couples do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a young, single mother of two girls. I work full time and I'm involved in my daughters' lives. I go to all their school functions, coach their soccer team, serve as the Cookie Mom for Girl Scouts and volunteer for anything else I can manage to squeeze into my schedule, but I have a hard time making friends with any other moms.

None of the other mothers wants to get to know me. I wait at the bus stop with my girls and the moms talk to each other, but not to me. I get a weird "vibe" from them, as if they think I'm too young to know anything. I try to join in, but it seems they really don't care for me.

I have friends my age, but they don't have children. I want friends who have families because they face the same kind of issues I do. What can I do to make these moms like me? -- FRIEND-CHALLENGED IN CYPRESS, TEXAS

DEAR FRIEND-CHALLENGED: There is no way to "make" someone like you, and if a clique has already been established, it can be difficult to break in. It is possible that because of your youth and single status you are perceived as a threat to them -- but I do have a suggestion, and your youth can be an advantage. Start asking them for advice, and it's possible they may take you under their collective wing.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper way to kiss after the wedding officiant says, "You may now kiss the bride"? Should the couple share a simple kiss, or can it be a little more intense? -- DANIELLE IN TAMPA

DEAR DANIELLE: The wedding is a time to demonstrate eternal commitment, not unbridled passion. The kiss can be as intense as you like, as long as it doesn't last more than six seconds, and doesn't remove the bride's lipstick.