DEAR ABBY: Our small church choir has a talented volunteer director. His wife, "Martha," is an energetic and animated soprano who has a reasonably good voice in her range.

Unfortunately, Martha sings louder than all of the other choir members, and she ends many songs by trying to reach a final high note. The problem is her high notes are often flat and sound more like a cat's scream. No one likes it.

The congregation is held hostage to Martha's screams because they're afraid of losing her husband's free directing services. How can we convince Martha to cut out the high notes? -- COVERING OUR EARS ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR COVERING: Because Martha's improvisations are distracting the congregation -- which I assume is larger than the choir -- your spiritual leader should have a private chat with the director and explain that "the congregation" would prefer the choir perform the hymns exactly as they are written. It should get the message across without being personally offensive. And it's not as if you're all asking that his wife not perform, just that she tone it down.

DEAR ABBY: I was in line at the pharmacy yesterday and one clerk was on duty with the pharmacist. I waited my turn and asked for my prescription. She had to go check on it, so I sat down to wait. In the meantime, two other customers came in and waited in line. The clerk called my name, then asked me to get back in line. Shouldn't I have been taken care of next? -- ANNOYED IN VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ANNOYED: I'm not sure there are rules of etiquette for counter service at a pharmacy, but common sense dictates that the customers be taken care of in an efficient manner. I see nothing efficient about making someone who has started being served wait longer -- particularly if the clerk might also have to check on the prescriptions of the customers who came after you did. You should have been taken care of next.

DEAR ABBY: Two women carrying a baby in an infant car seat entered the gift shop where my sister works. The grandmother asked my sister if they could leave the baby behind the counter while they shopped. My sister politely told them it was against store policy.

They proceeded to shop, putting the carrier down in the middle of the aisle while they browsed -- leaving it unattended at times.

The grandmother bought a few items, then told my sister she might not shop there anymore because of the policy of not supervising infants while customers shop. My sister has dealt with many customer-related issues, but this one left her speechless.

Employees assist customers, but they do not baby-sit. Also, leaving a child with a stranger is dangerous and could lead to potentially serious situations that parents may regret. What's your opinion on this issue? -- SPEECHLESS IN OHIO

DEAR SPEECHLESS: Your sister was right to inform the grandmother about the store's policy. And it is the grandmother's privilege to take her business elsewhere if she doesn't approve of it.

DEAR READERS: A happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere -- birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, and stepmothers -- and especially to my own beautiful mother, Pauline Phillips, in Minneapolis.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother became pregnant with me in 1965 when she was 20 and divorced from her husband. My father was a married man who knew about me, but made no effort to see me.

I know my mother believed he would leave his wife for her, and because I closely resemble him -- according to family members -- she must have felt terrible when I was growing up. I always felt she didn't love me as much as she loved my brothers.

I have grown up with a hole inside me where a dad was supposed to be. I have never felt worthy or deserving of anything in my life, and now my mother has cut me off from the family.

Should I try to see if my father wants to know me now? Maybe time has mellowed him. I feel like he is a great big unfinished spot in my life. What should I do? -- ALONE AND UNLOVED, MONROE, LA.

DEAR ALONE AND UNLOVED: Life has dealt you a difficult hand through no fault of your own. You are hurting right now, and that is why I'm urging you to talk to a counselor about what you have been through and how you feel about yourself BEFORE reaching out to your father. You deserve love and nurturing, but before you try to make contact it's important that you have more inner resources than you have now -- just in case he doesn't turn out to be the man you would like him to be. Contacting him through a third party might also be wise.

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband died, we used to enjoy visiting with "Frank" and his wife, "Julie." They were happy get-togethers between couples.

After my husband's death, Frank said he wanted to stay in touch. As time went on, we'd meet for holidays and home visits, which were as pleasant as before. But as time passed, Julie became bored and the visits became awkward.

Frank and I had a lot in common. I enjoyed his company more and more. Anyone who has lost the love of his/her life knows it's a gift to take a break from the heartache once in a while. Frank and I have done nothing wrong. If he were a woman there would be no question of impropriety.

I haven't heard from Frank in a while, and I suspect it's because Julie has requested he not spend so much time with me. I don't blame her. I'd feel the same if it were my husband. But would it be OK for me to call him? Until recently we talked regularly. I know he'd be happy to hear my voice. Our visits were full of life and innocent conversation, and I miss them. Should I leave well enough alone, or enjoy the only peace I have had after such a great loss? -- ANONYMOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband. My advice is to leave well enough alone and look for "peace" with someone who is available and will be able to provide more than good conversation.

While your intentions may be innocent, your growing friendship with Frank may have begun to make his wife uncomfortable. It appears she picked up on the fact that you have grown emotionally dependent on her husband and viewed it as a threat. Alternatively, when you were all together she may have felt like a third wheel, and that's why she became bored. So please take what I have said to heart and back off.

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I would like your opinion on the following question: Is it appropriate to ask about the salary during a job interview? Half of us say, "Yes. When better to ask what the pay will be?" Others say, "No, it's in poor taste." What do you think? -- ALL BETS ARE IN

DEAR ALL: Of course the subject of salary should be discussed during a job interview. Usually, when an interview is nearing its end, the interviewer will ask, "Do you have any questions?" If the topics of salary and benefits haven't come up before then, it's perfectly acceptable to inquire about them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of more than 20 years decided that the grass was greener on the other side, and now I find myself on the dating scene again. I had breast reduction surgery, thinking I would be with my husband for the rest of my life. Now I don't know how to bring up the subject if I find a man with whom I want to be intimate.

I know a man should love me for who I am on the inside, but I can't help but feel that the scars I carry on the outside will make him turn and walk away. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having had the surgery, but there is nothing I can do about that now.

When do I tell the guy about my scars? I don't want this to get in the way of sharing my life with someone. -- SCARRED IN ARIZONA

DEAR SCARRED: Many women have had breast reductions -- some for aesthetic reasons, but others because nature blessed them with such an overabundance of tissue that it was creating painful back and shoulder problems. The surgery is neither shocking nor particularly unusual.

The time to discuss it is when you have gotten to know someone well enough that you can talk frankly with him and explain that you feel self-conscious. No gentleman who cares about you will ever walk away. And any man who does, you are well rid of before investing your heart -- or anything else -- in him.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," and I have been married 20 years. He's a veteran who is completely disabled. We live in a very secluded area. The nearest town is 60 miles away, and I can't be gone long because of Rick's needs.

Abby, I'm lonely. My family lives in another state. Rick said years ago that we would move to where my family members are. But now he refuses because he doesn't want to leave his comfort zone.

Some days I am more down than others. Our home is on the market, but we won't be going far -- just a bit closer to the town where Rick's family is. When I bring up the subject of missing my relatives, Rick gets angry so I don't say anything anymore. I long for my family -- and for many other things as well. Could you share your feelings on this, please? -- NOWHERE IN MONTANA

DEAR NOWHERE: Gladly. Because your husband refuses to move to where your family members are, keep your fingers crossed that it won't be too long before you find a buyer for your current home. Do move closer to his family. At least then you won't be so isolated. And once you're closer to his family, THEY can look out for him while you schedule some visits to your family. If you go a couple of times a year, it could make a big difference in your outlook.