DEAR ABBY: I recently got genital herpes. I am very depressed over it and am experiencing a lot of difficulties, not to mention the expense.

The man I caught the virus from, "Jack," claims he didn't know he had herpes. I don't know what to believe, except that I should be compensated. My life has been destroyed. I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number! Is this a criminal act? Should I take action? -- OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI

DEAR OUTRAGED: Please do not allow having herpes to define who you are. Your life has not been "destroyed." You contracted a virus, as millions of other Americans have. While inconvenient, it is not the end of the world. What you need is emotional support, and it's as near as your computer. There are support groups for people who have herpes -- just Google "herpes support groups-USA" and you'll find groups galore.

As to whether to take legal action against "Jack," please remember that lawsuits can be expensive. And to determine whether he knew he had herpes at the time he was involved with you, you would have to get a hold of his medical records -- which could be complicated. Your time and money would be better spent in other ways than looking backward, and that's what I recommend.

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 years old and the mother of two children. The oldest is 4 and my little one just turned 1.

My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery two years ago. She lost a lot of weight and looks great, having gone from a size 16 to a size 4.

My problem is the comments she makes about my weight in the presence of others. For example, "Do you see that 'Cate' is so big-boned and I am so petite?" It hurts, and I don't know what to do about it. What can I say to her the next time she says something like that? -- "CATE" IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR "CATE": Don't wait for your mother-in-law to say something about your weight in front of others. Tell her clearly, in advance, that her comparisons are hurtful and you want them stopped immediately. And if she doesn't comply, the next time she does it, smile and say, "We can all see that you're petite and I'm not, but I'll always be younger."

DEAR ABBY: Early this year, my mother went to the curb to collect the empty trash bin and put it away for the week. As she wheeled it behind her home, she slipped on the ice and broke her hip. She lives alone and was in the back of her property where nobody could see or hear her.

Fortunately, she'd had the foresight to grab her cell phone before she went outside. Because she was unable to stand up she could have frozen to death. She called 911 and within minutes an ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital.

Mom had surgery to repair the hip and is recovering, but it was a close call. This is a reminder to your readers that if they live alone -- or have parents who do -- to make sure to have a cell phone available at all times. -- RELIEVED SON IN ELKHART, IND.

DEAR RELIEVED SON: I'm pleased to pass along your important message. Your mother did, indeed, have a close call. It must have been her guardian angel who handed her her cell phone as she left the house that wintry day. Please tell her I said so and that I hope she's better soon.

DEAR ABBY: My wife was hired for an administrative position. On her first day of work, they called her into the human resources director's office and told her she was being "let go" because of her website. The site has photos of her when she worked as a model for a large department store. They are in no way provocative or overly revealing. Photos of our children are also on the site.

The HR director told her that one of the other (internal) applicants had Googled her and had seen the site. An image so upset the other applicant that she made a formal complaint, which caused my wife's dismissal!

We consulted a lawyer and contacted the local Equal Employment Opportunity Commission only to be told that North Carolina is an "at will" employment state and that the employer did nothing wrong. We feel their actions were wrong. Is there anything that can be done? -- YANKEE IN CONFEDERATE COUNTRY

DEAR YANKEE: I'm sorry, but the answer is no. In most states there is a presumption of "at will" employment unless you have a written contract to the contrary. However, the employer cannot terminate an employee for an illegal reason -- such as age, religion, gender, sexual orientation or a disability. It does not appear from your letter that your wife was terminated for an illegal reason, but what happened stinks anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My mother got drunk at a family function and started a fight with me. I ended up leaving before it could escalate, but I feel I ruined the host's day. Would it be appropriate to send an "I'm sorry" note, and how would I word it? -- MAKING AMENDS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR MAKING AMENDS: The person making the amends should be the person who created the scene -- your mother. If you feel something needs to be said by you, and apparently you do, then write your host and say, "I feel terrible about what happened at your party and would like to apologize for my mother's behavior. I left before she could create a scene, but I'm afraid it cast a shadow on your day, and for that I would like to apologize." Sign it with love.

P.S. You'll lead a happier life if you stop feeling that you have to apologize for your mother's behavior. You are responsible only for your own.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been lucky enough to travel all over the world during our long marriage. Over the years, we collected lovely items from every location.

Now that we are older, we have decided to move into a smaller home, and would like to share these lovely souvenirs with our friends. Although I think "Ellen" would love to have one of my silk scarves, and "Peter" would appreciate a pair of my husband's marble bookends, or "Annemarie" would cherish my necklace from India, etc., I'm unsure that my choices would be their choices.

Would it be proper for us to ask our friends to choose among our treasure rather than our making the choice for them? -- WORLD TRAVELER IN MIAMI BEACH

DEAR WORLD TRAVELER: I commend you for your generosity; however, you might run into trouble if several of your friends choose the same item. Were I in your shoes, I would make the selection for each of them. (Include a note with the gift -- i.e., "Ellen, this scarf matches your eyes," "Annemarie, I know you love ethnic jewelry," etc.)

DEAR ABBY: It seems the moment we got married a year ago, my husband promptly started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. He has put on more than 100 pounds. I don't want to nag him, but the magnitude of his bad habits is making me contemplate divorce.

If he hasn't learned things like "garbage goes into the garbage can" or "aim for the bowl" by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH

DEAR STILL A NEWLYWED: Are you telling me that you have sat in silence for an entire year while witnessing major changes in your husband's behavior since the wedding? Something may be wrong with him, and he should be examined stem-to-stern by a doctor. Your husband may have a serious problem, and it follows that if he does, your marriage will, too. So for both your sakes, speak up, schedule him for a physical and try to remember that line you uttered regarding "in sickness and in health."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Irving" for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward -- almost in a fatherly tone -- that I need to keep it low key.

He isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight -- specifically, that he doesn't want me to gain any.

Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He's been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Can you help? -- CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CAUTIOUS: If you're looking for a supportive mate, Irving doesn't appear to be the man for you. To stay with him because you have invested 12 months in the relationship is not sufficient reason to invest still more time. Face it, his tone may be "fatherly," but he's not your father, and he'll always be critical.

DEAR ABBY: We will visit my in-laws for the holidays next December with our new baby. We stay in a hotel when we visit because the in-laws are both chain smokers and I am a non-smoker who is sensitive to smoke. This has created some distance between my in-laws and me. When we have visited in the past I resigned myself to the fact that they will smoke through our dinners and conversations.

Now that we have a little one, I do not want my in-laws to smoke in front of the baby. They don't visit us; we visit them once a year. Can I ask that they not smoke in their home while my family is visiting? -- MICHELE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR MICHELE: No. And even if your in-laws agreed, taking your baby into a house in which the carpets, walls and furniture are saturated with smoke would be counterproductive. When you visit, arrange your get-togethers at your hotel or in the home of other relatives who are non-smokers. Out of love for their grandchild, your in-laws should cooperate. If you need backup in making the request, discuss this with your baby's pediatrician and get the facts and statistics about how damaging first-, second- and third-hand smoke is on a little one's respiratory system.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)