DEAR ABBY: It saddens me when I hear women complain that men don't do their fair share around the home. When a woman says, "He didn't put the toilet seat down," I want to ask, "Did you put it back up for him?" When a woman says, "He didn't pick up his dishes," I want to ask, "Did you clean up the oil spot your car left in the garage?" When a woman says, "He left his clothes on the floor," I want to ask, "Did you dump the unpaid bills on his desk?"

I believe marriage is a personal relationship between two loving people, not an opportunity to complain to others about perceived abuses.

During the 40 years my husband and I have been married, we both worked and managed to raise three productive members of society. We have a tacit agreement. Each of us does absolutely everything possible to keep the home running smoothly, never tallying and setting up balance sheets. Out of love, each of us does whatever improves our common good, and both of us find reason for daily surprises as we receive in kind from the other. -- JO IN PHOENIX

DEAR JO: You and your husband are fortunate to have found each other, and you have obviously worked out a formula for a lasting and meaningful marriage. You should bottle it!

DEAR ABBY: My stepmother allowed me to live in one of her properties for very low rent, which was a great gift. I will soon be searching for a home to buy, and this is where I have a problem.

My stepsister, "Diana," is a real estate agent who has been hit with hard times in this economy. Naturally, my stepmom would like me to hire her daughter, but Diana is lazy, uncommitted and unfamiliar with the area in which I want to buy.

I have another agent in mind who specializes in homes in my area, who can recommend neighborhoods and show me as many houses as needed. I don't want to disappoint my stepmother if I don't hire her daughter. What should I do? -- IN A BIND IN TENNESSEE

DEAR IN A BIND: Hire the real estate agent you have in mind. And if your stepmother brings up the subject, tell her that you did so because the person is more familiar with the area in which you want to live. However, do not tell her that you consider her daughter to be lazy and uncommitted because I guarantee she will take it personally.

DEAR ABBY: My grandfather died recently, and I missed some school because I went to his funeral out of state. When people ask me where I went and I tell them, they ask if I'm going to be OK and say how sorry they are. They all act like they expect me to break down and start crying any second.

The problem is, I didn't really know my grandfather that well. He lived across the country, and the few times I got to visit him I can honestly say I didn't really like him -- if you're even allowed to say that about a grandparent.

How am I supposed to tell these people that I am not broken up about him dying, and I'm not going to burst into tears any time soon? -- NOT CRYING IN IOWA

DEAR NOT CRYING: It is not necessary to say that to anyone to whom you aren't close. All you need to say is, "Thank you for offering your sympathy. It was nice of you to do that." Then change the subject by asking the person what he or she has been doing.

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DEAR ABBY: My stepsister stole my boyfriend, and I am so mad I am going crazy. She's very attractive and has no problem finding boyfriends. She did not have to do this. I am sure she did it out of spite.

We're both 16, go to the same school and have several classes together, so I can't avoid her. We also have to share a room every other weekend when she's here.

I have so much hate and anger toward her now, I don't know how to deal with it -- especially since we have to sleep in the same room. Please give me some advice. -- HATES HER IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR HATES HER: I don't think there is a single woman reading your letter who hasn't felt the same way you do at one time or another in her life. But please let me share a lesson most of us have learned: Short of slipping a man a knock-out drug, he can't be "kidnapped." He is responsible for making his own decisions. Yes, your stepsister might not have discouraged him. She may have even thrown herself at him. But what happened was of his own free will.

DEAR ABBY: I've always been big on birthdays. I love the cake, the candles, the singing and a nice dinner. My husband wasn't a huge fan, but did what he could to please me.

Last year, his father died on my birthday, so naturally, my birthday was the last thing on his mind. Now the one-year anniversary of my father-in-law's death is coming up, and we will be getting together with the family for a memorial service.

I wonder if my birthday will always be clouded by sadness. Is it possible to ever celebrate the day of my birth in a happy manner and without feeling guilty about it? -- BIRTHDAY-CONFLICTED IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR CONFLICTED: Yes, but start next year. Or, if you prefer, by agreeing to a weekend getaway on a date other than your birthday this year.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was married last weekend and received several unmarked gifts. When sending out thank-you notes, how do you know what to say and to whom? There were several guests that would never have come empty-handed, yet there is no way to match the mystery gifts to the right guests. Not sending a thank-you note to someone I'm sure brought a gift seems awkward and embarrassing. -- AT A LOSS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR AT A LOSS: For the people whose cards were not included -- or were lost -- your daughter and/or son-in-law should send generic thank-you letters rather than ones that are specific. They should say something like this: "Dear (----), 'John' (or 'Carol') and I want to thank you for sharing our special day with us. Your presence at such a sacred and meaningful time meant more to us than words can convey. Fondly, (----)."

DEAR ABBY: I am about to sell a business my husband and I opened with an initial investment of $25,000. We are selling it for $6 million. Most of my close friends are broke and in the past have "borrowed" money without repaying it.

I don't feel I can tell any of them my good news without them asking for more money. How can I handle this and still keep my friends? -- KEEPING MUM IN FLORIDA

DEAR KEEPING MUM: How much you sell the business for is between you, your CPA and the IRS. Period! The way to "handle" it is to keep your personal information private and your mouth shut.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years to a man who curses something awful. We have three children, and he curses at them, too, when he's angry. I'm afraid his verbal abuse is destroying our children's self-esteem, and I have asked him repeatedly to stop it. I even threatened to leave if he doesn't clean up his act.

When he swears, it sends shivers up my spine and I get angry. We used to have heated arguments, but I have learned to watch my mouth. I thought he would get the idea if I set an example, but he didn't even notice.

He was in the Navy, and for a long time he blamed his cursing on his time in the military. Well, he has been out for 12 years now and that excuse is a little tired. I have made plans to leave him and will stick with my decision unless he's willing to make a serious effort to control his mouth. In the meantime, what do you suggest I do? I've tried everything -- even prayer. -- READY TO WALK IN VIRGINIA

DEAR READY TO WALK: In the "meantime," try earplugs for the children and a swear box for your salty-mouthed spouse. (If you don't know what a swear box is, it's a container into which an agreed-upon amount of money is placed every time a curse word is uttered.) Use the proceeds to tide you over after you've left him if the swear box doesn't cure him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a delicate problem. My boss's wife wears a very strong perfume. Every time she walks into the office, I get a headache and feel nauseated for hours. I am allergic to perfume, and women do not seem to understand that while they "think" they smell good, they are really making me sick.

When the boss's wife comes in, I try to stay in my office, but the smell is so overpowering I can't escape. How should I handle this? -- HOLDING MY BREATH IN TALLADEGA, ALA.

DEAR HOLDING: For the sake of your health, you must speak to your employer and explain your sensitivity to perfumes and the effect they have on you. You are far from alone in this problem -- many others also have allergic reactions when exposed to perfumes, after-shave or scented products of any kind.

Ask your boss to please ask his wife to forgo the perfume when she visits the office because it gives you a headache and an upset stomach. How else will he -- or she -- know there's a problem?

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Carolyn" for about a year. We are both in our 50s and have talked about marriage in the future.

Before we met, Carolyn had profiles on two dating sites -- not as a paid member, but just as someone who could look around without being able to send or receive messages.

I have asked her to delete these profiles now that we have reached the one-year mark. She says I shouldn't be concerned, that she's just interested in reading about other people. She insists she wants to be only with me and isn't looking to go out with anyone else.

Abby, this doesn't sit well with me. What do you think? -- EXCLUSIVELY HERS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR EXCLUSIVELY HERS: I think you don't trust Carolyn. Unless you're convinced that she's "exclusively" yours -- and you're not -- you should rethink your future with her. If you're discussing marriage, she shouldn't be disregarding your feelings.