DEAR ABBY: I broke up with my girlfriend of almost two years last July because I thought I was going to be getting a job overseas and she would be staying in the States. We have always had a long-distance relationship (me being from New York and she from New Hampshire), and it didn't look like it would be any different for the next five or so years what with graduate school, etc.

I was becoming more and more distant in our relationship because I'd see her only for a weekend every other month or so, and the lack of physical contact left me feeling single but unavailable.

It has been many months now, and it turned out I didn't get the job after all. She's now living two hours away, and we're still on good terms. We talk occasionally but never about us. Our families loved each other, and we never had any deal-breaking fights.

Part of me wants to see if she wants to give it another shot, but the other half feels almost embarrassed to ask. What would you suggest I do? -- MUSING IN THE EMPIRE STATE

DEAR MUSING: Sitting around "musing" won't solve your problem. So get off the dime and ASK her before someone else steps in and does!

DEAR ABBY: I have been married a year and a half. My husband works three jobs because he wants material things. We spend very little time together and when we do, it's sleep and sports. We don't go out to dinner or movies. I feel like I'm just here so he can get the material things he wants. -- LONESOME IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LONESOME: You and your husband are overdue for some serious discussions regarding priorities, goals and values because it appears you are far out of sync. Tell him that while you admire his drive and ambition, successful marriages take work, too.

While many people can hold down two jobs, trying to hold down three is a challenge. A person can't put forth his best effort if he's exhausted all the time -- and fatigue leads to mistakes and inefficiency. For the sake of your husband's health, he should rethink what he's doing.

P.S. Speak up now, because if you truly believe you're just there so he can get the material things he wants, it doesn't take a crystal ball to see this marriage may not be one of long duration.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago I met someone who became larger than life to me. I was happier than I ever dreamed, but it wasn't to be. He was killed six months later in a car accident. His best friend, "Tom," was driving.

I went to visit Tom in the hospital and from then on we became inseparable. At first, it was to soothe each other's pain of losing someone we both loved, but it grew into something more.

I currently live with Tom's family and work in their business without pay. Essentially, I'm one of the family. I could not ask for a more loving adoptive family, but I don't want to be "family." I lie awake at night thinking about Tom, blush if our hands touch and have to catch my breath when he looks at me.

How do I tell the man I love that I have fallen for him when he considers me like a little sister? Is what I'm feeling even appropriate? -- UNSURE IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNSURE: I think so. You suffered a devastating loss. Tom and his family have filled the void, so your feelings are understandable. You will never know whether Tom feels the same way about you if you don't bring up the subject. If you're afraid to do that, then talk to his mother. She'll be able to give you some insight -- and perhaps some encouragement. But don't wait much longer, because if he doesn't feel the same, you need to move out and move on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hugh," and I have been married 16 years. We generally have a good relationship, with few arguments. We seldom participate in activities that don't include each other.

Three years ago, I was hired to work in the office of a manufacturing facility. The majority of the workers are men. Although Hugh denies it, I suspect he's uncomfortable about it.

When I participate in company events for employees only, he becomes jealous and rants that it isn't fair for spouses to be excluded. Once in a while, my co-workers and I go out for drinks after work. When I'm asked to join them, Hugh goes on the offensive, demanding to know all the details. He then calls my cell phone repeatedly until I get home.

I'm hurt that he finds me and my associates so untrustworthy. He has met the people I work with and has seen that they're all friendly and happily married. I encourage him to do things on his own with his friends, hoping he'll see that I trust him and will return the favor. What can I do to improve the situation? -- PULLED IN TWO IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PULLED IN TWO: Have you talked to your husband about his behavior and how it makes you feel? If not, you should. But please understand that short of quitting your job and going to work in a convent, you can't improve the situation. The problem is your husband is insecure. Only he can fix that, which would first require his admitting it. Sad to say, he may not even be able to admit it to himself.

This is a difficult time to go job-hunting, so I don't advise it. But in the meantime, please do not make his problem your own. Accept that he has a problem, but don't allow it to jeopardize your work relationships.

DEAR ABBY: Is it OK to have sex when you're a guest in someone's home? I say no, but my husband feels the host knows we're married so it's not inappropriate. I think it's rude and shows a lack of respect for the host.

Would you please settle this once and for all? When we stay with friends, we end up fighting during our vacation. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: For a married couple to make love when they are houseguests isn't rude or disrespectful, provided the pictures don't fall off the walls and there are no complaints about noise from the neighbors. However, if the idea makes you uncomfortable and unable to relax and enjoy the intimacy, then you and your husband should vacation in a hotel where you can expect to have more privacy.

DEAR ABBY: How do I stop my shoes from squeaking? I have a pair that I love, but they squeak so badly it drives me crazy. Everyone can hear my shoes when I am walking. Can you help? -- NOT THE OLD SOFT SHOE

DEAR N.T.O.S.S.: According to the book "Haley's Hints," a way to solve your problem is to pierce the soles of your squeaky shoes four or five times with a darning needle at the ball of the foot.

If that doesn't do the trick, "place the shoes in a solution of salt water at room temperature, just so the soles are covered. After soaking for 15 minutes, dry them off and place the soles in boiled linseed oil overnight. The next morning, remove the shoes, dry them well and your finicky footwear should be completely silenced!"

DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day again, the day I share some of the letters I receive that are so farfetched I wouldn't print them any other day because they are either over the top or under the bottom, depending upon one's perspective. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As I was eating my lunch yesterday, I saw the image of Abraham Lincoln on one of my potato chips. As I was daydreaming about how much money I would make charging people to see it, I absentmindedly popped it into my mouth and ate it! Is there anything I can do about this? -- DANA IN PALM SPRINGS, CALIF.

DEAR DANA: Absolutely. Start thinking about some other original ways to make money. Your potato chip may have been delicious, but unfortunately, you ATE your business plan.

DEAR ABBY: While I was out of town on a business trip, my wife suddenly became a vegetarian. While that may sound like a good thing to some people, it is a matter of great concern to me. Since becoming a vegetarian, she has gained 30 pounds and no longer has her girlish figure.

In addition, she will no longer swat flies or kill a roach in the house, saying she doesn't kill anything anymore. Perhaps others who have encountered this situation can give me some hints on how to handle this. -- ARKANSAS CARNIVORE

DEAR ARKANSAS CARNIVORE: I sure hope so -- I'll let you know if I hear from anyone who wants to weigh in on your problem. But in the meantime, you'll have to cook your own steaks and kill your own insects.

DEAR ABBY: Please help me make my life better and answer a question that has been troubling me for some time. How do men on death row get their toenails cut? Are they actually given sharp objects to do it for themselves? I can't figure it out. -- PERPLEXED IN SOUTHWEST FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your question is one I have pondered for some time, as well. Because men on death row are not supposed to have sharp objects, they take turns chewing each other's toenails off. I have this on good authority -- and I'm not conning you.

DEAR ABBY: I have fallen deeply in love with a homeless man, and I have been trying unsuccessfully to convince him to move in with me for some time, but he just won't leave his cardboard box. He says it has sentimental value that I just don't understand. Please help me, Abby. What should I do? -- CARLA IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR CARLA: Try this. Have him move his cardboard box into your home, then he won't have to give it up and can spend as much time as he needs in it. Then slowly coax him out of his box for longer and longer periods of time, and you'll both have what you want. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I want to marry a nice, sweet girl who just completed her prison sentence for abandoning her illegitimate kid. My problem is, my dad sells drugs, my mother died in an asylum of syphilitic insanity, my two sisters are hookers and my older brother is awaiting trial for killing his girlfriend's husband. My younger brother is a U.S. congressman. Should I tell my future bride the awful truth about my younger brother? -- PETE W., GILCHRIST, TEXAS

DEAR PETE: Absolutely! And, unless you're afraid it will scare her off, you should also mention you're a creative writer.