DEAR ABBY: I am a medic in the Middle East. I was out on patrol with some of our guys when we were hit with a mortar attack. More than one guy was wounded.

I ran to the first guy and saw that he was hit. He had a wound I knew he wouldn't be able to survive. He pulled a letter from his pocket, put it in my hands and pushed me away. I tried to apply pressure to his wound to slow the bleeding, but he pushed me away again. It was like he was telling me to go to the next man who needed my attention. Everyone survived except him.

At first, I thought I did the right thing by respecting his wishes to help someone I could save. When I got back and talked to his family, they were angry at me for not trying harder to save his life. When I signed up for this job, I knew I wouldn't be able to save everyone, but I am supposed to try my best no matter who it is I am saving.

Was I wrong by going to another man who I could save? Was it wrong of me to take his letter and leave him after he pushed me away twice? Please tell me what you think. -- DOC IN DISTRESS

DEAR DOC: I think you were doing the best you could in an impossible situation. Your patient may have instinctively known he was not going to make it -- which is why he gave you the letter. Of course the family was angry that you couldn't save their loved one -- they are grieving. I urge you to talk to a counselor about what happened and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing. In a situation like the one in which you found yourself, wrenching choices sometimes have to be made. Please stop second-guessing yourself.

DEAR ABBY: My father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. While at a family party, my stepmother started talking about how she and Dad had just visited their friends, the Royal Family in England. I assume she thought she was being funny. My poor father was completely confused, but my stepmother continued on with the charade. We all felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle the situation. The grandkids felt bad for Grandpop.

I recently learned that my stepmother pretended her friend was his daughter. Dad is confused enough without having to be tricked in this manner. My stepmother is a very complex, challenging woman, and I need to handle this matter very carefully. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- SAD ABOUT DAD IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SAD: Your stepmother is not only "complex and challenging," she has a twisted sense of humor. Ridiculing someone with dementia is cruel and, in my opinion, qualifies as elder abuse. As to "tricking" your father into thinking her friend was his daughter, I wish you had mentioned what she was trying to accomplish by doing that. Your father -- and his assets -- may need protection. Please consider discussing this with a social worker who specializes in senior services.

DEAR ABBY: My husband doesn't like his sister. When he drinks beer, he says ugly things about her and starts to cry. When I said she's his only sister and to cut it out, he closed his hands into fists.

I twice tried calling her at 1 a.m., after he fell asleep. Well, our phone bill arrived and her phone number is on it. He's the one who gets the mail, so please answer this in the paper. The bill is due in 10 days. -- PEACEMAKER IN FLORIDA

DEAR PEACEMAKER: If your husband is the one who pays the bills, fess up while he's sober, because it appears he doesn't handle his beer very well. And from now on, respect his boundaries because there may be good reason why he and his sister are on the outs.

DEAR ABBY: I can't stand my 10-year-old daughter. I was an 18-year-old single mother when she was born. I find her ugly and annoying. Everyone tells me how "sweet" and "pretty" she is, but I can't see it. I dread when she comes home from school. I am not physically abusive to her -- I would never do that. But I can be verbally abusive, and I know I need to stop. She just makes me so mad.

I am now married with two more kids (boys), and I adore them. What's wrong with me? How can I fix this? I'm afraid it's too late. I have no spiritual adviser to talk to, and I can't afford to speak to a professional counselor. -- ANONYMOUS IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ANONYMOUS: The circumstances of your daughter's birth were very different from those of your sons. When you look at her, you may be reminded of a chapter in your life you would prefer to forget. How sad for both of you.

The way you treat her, particularly in relation to her half-brothers -- will affect the way she perceives herself for the rest of her life. People whose parents treat them as unlovable often regard themselves as not "measuring up," and it can cause self-esteem problems that last a lifetime.

Ordinarily, I would encourage you to seek low-cost therapy through your county department of mental health for the sake of both you and your daughter. If that isn't possible, then I advise you to hold your tongue, control your temper and compel yourself to show your daughter approval and affection every day until it becomes a habit or she's old enough to leave -- whichever comes first.

DEAR ABBY: My workplace has instituted "casual dress Friday," where everyone is supposed to make a donation to a charity selected by a different employee each fortnight. While this is nice in theory, I often find that I don't wish to donate to the chosen charity because I don't agree with its ethics or its methods.

I give regularly to charities of my choice, which I have researched beforehand, but have never been one to donate automatically to every passing collection.

How do I bow out gracefully when the collection tin comes around? I have tried to explain to my co-workers why I don't support a particular charity and simply say I have chosen not to participate. I am met with blank stares and demands that I explain myself, and lectures about why I must "support the team."

I don't feel my colleagues have any right to tell me what I should do with my money, but they obviously disagree and I am finding the situation very uncomfortable. Any suggestions? -- FEELING AWKWARD IN AUSTRALIA

DEAR FEELING AWKWARD: The policy you describe seems more like "friendly" extortion than real charitable giving. (Is there some kind of contest going on between teams to see who can raise the most money?) While I'm all for casual Fridays, the policy of pressuring people to give strikes me as one that should be modified or done away with completely. That's why I think you should discuss your feelings with your supervisor or the head of the department and go on record that you prefer to give your money to causes you have researched and with which you identify. If that doesn't help, you may be working for the wrong company. Sorry, mate.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman who is a "klutz," which explains why I often have bruises on my legs and elbows. The other day, while lunching with friends I hadn't seen in a while, one of them brought up the subject of my bruises. (I had rolled up the sleeves of my blouse and was wearing a skirt.)

I laughed and explained how I got them -- running off an elevator before the door had opened all the way, tripping while climbing some stairs, and crashing into the coffee table and nearly breaking my leg. My friends exchanged knowing looks and told me if I ever needed anything -- ANYthing at all -- they were there for me and offered protection!

It became obvious that they think my fiance caused the bruises. I explained that I am often in a hurry and accident-prone. They didn't believe me. They just nodded and said, "Uh-huh ..."

I feel so humiliated. My fiance has never laid a finger on me. I have never had a healthier, more loving relationship, and it hurt that my friends think I'm a victim of domestic abuse.

A birthday get-together is coming soon and I don't feel comfortable going now. I'm worried they may tell others what they "think" may be going on behind closed doors. How do I set the record straight? -- JUST CLUMSY IN AMARILLO

DEAR JUST CLUMSY: You won't set the record straight by hiding out and refusing to face them. Doing so will only fuel their unfounded suspicions, so attend the party. And at the next girls' lunch tell them, warmly, that you appreciate knowing they'll always be there for you, and if they ever need you for anything -- ANYthing at all -- you'll be there for them, too. Say it sweetly, with a smile, and above all, do not appear defensive.

P.S. In the future, how about slowing down, trying to be more careful and watching where you're going? One of these days you could seriously hurt yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I have a horrible secret. I have cheated on my husband with multiple strangers. I have tried to tell him I have an addiction, but he blows me off. When I first met him, I had been with two people. Since our wedding, I have lost count.

I think about sex constantly and often arrange to meet men anonymously many times during the week. I have tried to stop, but I just can't seem to. Believe me, I have tried.

I have attempted to talk to my husband about this so he will listen -- but I'm afraid to estimate how many times I have cheated because I fear he will leave me. Please help me. -- CAN'T STOP DOWN SOUTH

DEAR CAN'T STOP: At this point the only thing worse than telling your husband what's been going on would be not to. People who engage in anonymous sex can carry all kinds of STDs, and you have exposed not only yourself but him to them. You both should see a doctor and be tested immediately -- and if you love him, you will give him that important message.

There is an organization that may be able to help you regain control of your life. It's Sexaholics Anonymous. It originated in 1979 and is based on the same principles as Alcoholics Anonymous.

Its Web site is www.sa.org and the e-mail address of the Sexaholics Anonymous International Central Office is saico@sa.org. Please contact them ASAP because they will take you seriously, nothing will shock them, and they may be able to help you break the news to your husband in a way that won't end your marriage.