DEAR ABBY: I am newly single after a 30-year marriage. Would you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy? After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy? And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I'm afraid if I call too soon I'll appear needy, and if I wait too long to call I'll appear to be a player. -- TENTATIVE TOM IN TAMPA

DEAR TENTATIVE TOM: When an individual has reached middle age, that person is considered mature enough to know when he (or she) is comfortable enough with another person to engage in "intimacy." No time limit is engraved in stone. As to who should call whom first to offer congratulations on a fine performance, there is no reason to stand on ceremony. Everyone likes a compliment, and a prompt, "Thank you for a wonderful time; it was great," is not considered needy -- it's good manners.

DEAR ABBY: I recently experienced an awkward situation. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about four years. The last time I saw her she was pregnant. I asked about her baby, and she informed me that he had died a few months after his birth.

She clearly found the memory sad, but at the same time had moved on. I didn't want to force her to re-experience the event by asking her what happened, but it seemed rude to abruptly change the subject to some minor matter after such sobering news.

What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about a tragedy, but long after it happened? -- WORDS FAIL ME, PEKIN, ILL.

DEAR WORDS: The correct way to handle it would have been to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and let your friend decide whether to discuss it further or change the subject. In other words, let her take the lead.

DEAR ABBY: When I was married I had an affair with a married man. We had a child together, and I divorced my husband. When the affair ended, child support was never mentioned, and for the last nine years I have raised my daughter by myself.

I am recently married to a wonderful man who takes care of both of us very well. My daughter has never asked anything about her father, but I know down the road she'll want to know what happened. I don't know when I should talk to her about this, and if I should take any legal steps to claim child support. Part of me feels that I should go for it; part of me is saying I should just let it go. Your thoughts, please? -- AMBIVALENT IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR AMBIVALENT: The time to tell your daughter the details is when she starts asking you questions. Whether you should seek retroactive child support is something you should discuss with an attorney. While it might result in a nice chunk of change that could be put toward your daughter's college education, it could also result in the biological father's having access to the girl. And frankly, a man who not only cheats on his wife but shirks his financial responsibility to his daughter strikes me as less than a positive role model.

TO MY IRISH READERS: Have a joyous St. Patrick's Day, but if you're drinking, don't drive. And if you're driving, don't drink.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I return to my hometown at least twice a year to visit my large extended family. When I do, I have tried to make time for my oldest friend, "Judith," whom I have known since kindergarten. In the past we have gotten together for a few hours here and there -- for dinner, coffee or whatever. She's great company, and we have fun together.

I'd like to spend more time with Judith, but Mom and Dad are close to 90 and there are many other relatives on my and my husband's side to see, which takes up most of our time.

Years ago, we tried to see all our friends, but more recently we have limited it to Judith and her husband and occasionally include a mutual friend.

Judith just e-mailed me telling me to "have a nice life" because if we were "truly" friends, I'd make more time with her. She won't reply to my e-mails or return my calls.

I respect her feelings, but feel pressured by the time constraints of our brief visits home. Judith has no children, a single brother and a married brother with whom she recently reunited.

I feel like I have committed some kind of crime. I think if she was a true friend, she'd understand my predicament. Please help. -- DEEPLY HURT IN ARIZONA

DEAR HURT: Your pal Judith doesn't appear to have matured much since kindergarten. Her behavior is petulant, immature and self-centered. Although you care for her, you cannot shirk your family obligations in order to placate her. If Judith can't appreciate that you have placed your family first, it's regrettable, but please don't permit her to punish you for it. You're doing the right thing and, although you may be hurt right now, let that be your consolation.

DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Rich" for 4 1/2 years. We are now engaged. In the beginning, everything was great. What I didn't know was that Rich had a baby on the way. I learned about it from a young woman who knocked on our door nine months later.

Rich said he was sorry and that he'd handle it. I knew the situation would be hard to accept, but suppressed my feelings like I always do instead of being honest about it.

Now this woman comes over whenever she wants. If she's angry about something, she'll say, "I don't want my baby around HER," meaning me. She has friends who work with me, and she has spread lies about me there. She has also called my house on several occasions and has been rude and nasty.

I have tried to deal with this, but Rich's infidelity and his having a child with another woman still hurts like it happened yesterday -- and the child is now 3. Can you help me? -- NOT MOVING ON IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NOT MOVING ON: I'll try. Before things evolve any further, don't you think that it's time to be open and honest? You have unresolved anger issues to deal with, and rightfully so. That's why I strongly advise you and your fiance to start premarital and couples counseling NOW.

Did Rich know he had gotten a girl pregnant before she knocked on the door and told you? If so, then what other information might he also have forgotten to mention? And why would he tolerate the abusive behavior that the baby's mama is dishing out to you? If you want to be treated with the respect you deserve, you must assert yourself. And if you don't get it, then I advise you to ditch Rich.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last night, I attended an elegant dinner party at the home of a friend. She served a delicious meal on a table set with crystal, bone china, silver and a low centerpiece of fresh flowers. Everything was perfection -- with one exception. As soon as we were seated, our hostess's elderly Aunt "Ethel" began talking about her health, with graphic details of every symptom, every allergy and every pain she had ever endured.

Other guests tried changing the subject several times, but Aunt Ethel evidently believed she was being entertaining. Among those at the table were a lawyer, a teacher and a friend who had recently returned from living several years in Africa. Each had more to contribute in the way of conversation. But not one got the opportunity to speak more than a few words before Aunt Ethel was reminded of yet another ailment she "knew" we'd find interesting.

How does one handle an awkward situation like this? In spite of her age, the woman is essentially in good health and ours is a small town. She'll probably be present at many more dinners. -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: (And I'm sure you were.) Your hostess lost control of her party. A way to have handled it would have been for her to say to Aunt Ethel, with a SMILE: "That's very interesting, Aunt Ethel, but I invited everyone to come here for a reason -- so each person can tell us what they've been doing since we were last together, since I know a lot has been going on." Then she should have started around the table.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Vic," and I met, we discussed having children. Although he is 25 years my senior, he was in accord with my desire to have kids. He even said we should have them right away because he is so much older.

I have had reproductive issues in the past, so before we married I went through several tests to verify that I could conceive a child. Three months after the wedding, Vic told me he had "changed his mind" and no longer wants a child. (He has one from a previous relationship.) When I told him how upset his decision made me, he said he would be "dying soon" and then I'll be able to have all the children I want.

I'm not sure where things should go from here. I feel Vic lied to me and never intended to have another child. Aside from this issue and a few others, he's a good husband. He would be there for me until one of us dies, but I don't know if I can settle for that. Vic refuses counseling, and when I told him I was going to go alone, he made me feel like it was the dumbest idea ever. Please help. -- LONGS FOR MOTHERHOOD IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LONGS FOR MOTHERHOOD: You are asking yourself very important questions, and talking about the decisions you are facing with someone who is not emotionally involved isn't a dumb idea -- it's an intelligent one. However, right now you have another issue that needs to be addressed. When your husband told you he would be dying soon, did you ask him exactly what he meant by that? If he was being literal, you may have your hands full for a while. And counseling to help you through that would be beneficial, too.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)