DEAR ABBY: I sympathize with "Stumped for an Answer" (Dec. 22), the man who was speechless when a woman objected to his opening the door for her. Haven't we all experienced "moments after," wishing we'd found the right words at the right time?

My son -- a high school sophomore -- had a timely response in a similar circumstance. We had stopped at a grocery store for a couple of items and were walking toward the exit. Just ahead was a woman carrying three large bags. My son stepped up to open the door for her, and in a strident voice she said, "Listen, Sonny, I can handle the door myself!"

My boy answered with a polite smile and a pleasant tone of voice: "I'm sorry. I'll excuse your rudeness if you'll forgive my courtesy." -- PROUD MOM IN RUIDOSO, N.M.

DEAR PROUD MOM: At times these days it can seem that manners are an endangered species. My office was flooded with mail from readers eager to "politely" share their thoughts. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am tired of people not using good manners or even recognizing what good manners are. Personally, it makes my day when someone holds the door for me. I usually offer thanks and a smile. (By the way, "please" and "thank you" also seem sadly lacking these days.)

I feel sorry for that unappreciative woman because she must lead a bitter life. Please let the guy know there are others out there who appreciate good manners and please don't let one rotten apple spoil the barrel. -- TIRED OF THE MANNERLESS

DEAR ABBY: Here's what he should have said: "I was taught that it is respectful to open a door for a lady. I apologize for having misjudged you." -- ANOTHER LADY IN SEDONA, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: My guess is the woman was having a bad day and the man was a convenient target. I also prefer that doors not be held open for me. I have fibromyalgia, which is usually only apparent if I have my cane. I usually open doors by leaning my back into them. That's what works best for me. People's attempts to "help" me have caused me to fall or the door to slam back on me.

I understand most folks are trying to be kind, but because some of them are clueless, my suggestion is to first ASK someone if you can hold the door for her or him. If the answer is no, please respect it. -- NOT UNGRATEFUL IN COLORADO

DEAR ABBY: I am an independent woman and I don't like men to open doors for me. It makes me feel inferior. When I run across a guy who insists on doing it, I allow him to. But then I rush to open the next one for him. Usually I get a chuckle when he reluctantly goes through. -- DO-IT-MYSELF, FOSTORIA, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: My reply would have been, "Common courtesy knows no gender." -- RON IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR ABBY: To a woman who once yelled at him for opening a door for her, my husband responded: "It's not because you're a woman. It's because of your AGE." It left her speechless. -- GRETCHEN IN FAIRBANKS

DEAR ABBY: Another possible reason a woman might not want to have a door opened for her: As a short-statured person, I find it an invasion of my space when a tall man reaches up and over me to hold a door, so I must scoot under his arm. -- ANOTHER VIEWPOINT IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ABBY: When it happened to me, I smiled at the woman and said: "I didn't open the door for you because you're a lady. I opened it for you because I'm a gentleman." It got my point across. -- DON IN ALAMEDA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 76-year-old man who is romantically involved with a 65-year-old lady. She knows I take Viagra. I recently had to go out of town for a week. Before I left, she demanded that I give her my bottle of Viagra. She said she would return it as soon as I got back.

What I did not tell my lady friend is that I don't always need Viagra to "perform." Should I remain silent and let her believe that without the little blue pill I'll be forced to remain faithful?

Honesty is the best long-term policy, but is there a limit to just "how" honest one should be? -- A VITAL MAN IN ARKANSAS

DEAR VITAL MAN: In this case, keep your own counsel. If you tell your lady friend you don't always "need" Viagra, she may start wondering why you always need it with her and find the implication insulting.

DEAR ABBY: As a child, it was painfully obvious that my mother favored my brother, "Clint," over me. Everything he did was considered perfect and was bragged about. Because I was a girl, I was expected to step and fetch for him. To this day, my opinions hold no weight against those of my brother. I have always been hurt by this, but I have lived with it.

Clint moved 3,000 miles away years ago. I am the one caring for Mom, although Clint contributes financial assistance. When he and his family came to visit for a week, my daughter asked me why Grandma respects and is prouder of Clint's children -- all boys -- than of her.

Grandma is proud that one of the boys knows about computers, but my daughter has BUILT computers. Grandma is proud because one of the boys is studying piano. My daughter has played flute for 10 years. Grandma brags about another of the boys' ability at rowing, but never about my daughter's achievements in academics.

How do I keep my daughter from feeling resentful, and what should I tell her? -- LESS VALUED IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

DEAR LESS VALUED: Tell your daughter the truth -- that your mother always favored your brother, and that this is just more of the same. Tell her that she is a terrific daughter and that YOU are proud of her. And explain that there is no pleasing Grandma, which is why she should keep her distance.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's aunt was gorgeous when she was young. At 90, obviously her appearance has changed. After many illnesses, her looks have faded.

When she shows me pictures of herself in her youth, it's obvious she wants a response, but "you were beautiful" seems cruel, pointing out that she is no longer. To pretend she still is would be disingenuous.

I have been in this situation with other elderly people. What is a complimentary and sincere comment at these times? -- REALIST IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR REALIST: Your aunt is reminded of the fact that she's no longer in the full bloom of youth every time she brushes her teeth in front of the mirror. So why not give her the compliment she deserves? Say, "Auntie, you were drop-dead gorgeous! I'm sure you stopped traffic." If you do, I'm willing to bet she has a few stories to tell you about when she did exactly that.

DEAR ABBY: I just joined a gym, and I love everything about it except for one thing -- the ladies' locker room.

I am modest so I use the private changing rooms when getting dressed. There are some women who feel very comfortable walking around in various stages of undress. Not only are they naked, they don't think twice about bending over to get into their lockers, or standing topless while blow-drying their hair.

In a place full of mirrors, seeing all this is difficult to avoid. I don't want to stop using the locker room because it's convenient. Is there anything I can do, or must I put up with the peep shows? -- MISS MODESTY IN PRINCETON, N.J.

DEAR MISS M.: Women in various stages of nudity are not a "peep show." They are par for the course in women's locker rooms everywhere. And yes, there is something you can do: As you pass through on your way in and out, keep your eyes modestly downcast. That way, at most, you will see only a few naked toes. Or visit the gym during hours when the place is not so busy.

DEAR ABBY: I am stationed in Iraq. My husband is home taking care of our two teenagers -- a 16-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl.

My daughter has had several sleepovers at her friends'. On two separate occasions, the mothers allowed the girls to dye their hair. They did this without first consulting my husband.

Am I old-fashioned, or isn't this something a parent should decide for a 14-year-old? Did the other parents think that it was OK since I wasn't home to disapprove?

My husband is doing an excellent job of parenting while I am deployed, and he would never have allowed her to dye her hair. How should we handle this type of situation? -- MOM ON DUTY IN IRAQ

DEAR MOM: Your husband should have told the adults plainly the first time it happened that he objected to the dye job. Since that didn't happen, please remain calm and remember that it's only hair -- which will grow out. And now that you know the parents of your daughter's friends lack judgment, any sleepovers she attends should be in your home until your return from overseas.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are discussing being married at the courthouse before our actual wedding ceremony -- months in advance. Our reason is he will finish graduate school and needs a place to stay -- or else it's back home.

The second reason is, if we live in separate households, it will create two sets of household bills. Under one roof we can share the expenses and save ourselves an ample amount of money to put toward our actual ceremony and honeymoon.

This is our first marriage and, we hope, our last. We want to make it a memorable one. Does this make sense, and if so, how should we approach our potential guests about our plans to "tie the knot"? -- TO DO OR NOT TO DO IN ALABAMA

DEAR T.D. OR NOT T.D.: The way to handle it is to be open and aboveboard. Let your friends -- and extended family -- know that you plan to be married quietly in a civil ceremony at the courthouse and have a formal renewal of vows, complete with gown, religious blessing, etc. to which they will be invited to share your joy several months later.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)