DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. She and Dad were married 52 happy years. Over the years, Mom received a few Christmas cards from "Linda," my brother's girlfriend 30 years ago.

Dad found Linda's address and let her know about Mom's passing. Now he says he and Linda have become good friends. Dad says they're "only friends" and Linda is someone he can talk to. We are very upset about whatever relationship they have. My brother and I and our children want to be the ones to comfort Dad and be comforted by him. It has been only two months since Mom's death.

He talks to Linda about everything. They have even discussed the details of Mom's grave marker. Linda says Dad is the father she never had. (Her father is still living.) I confronted Dad about it, and we had a huge argument. Are we wrong and insensitive for disapproving of his closeness with this woman? -- FALLING APART IN TEXAS

DEAR FALLING APART: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. You and your brother and children may want to be the ones to comfort your father (and be comforted by him), but what he may feel he needs right now is someone he can talk to who is not emotionally involved and doesn't need comforting.

You didn't do anything wrong, but please remember that you are all grieving right now, and when people are grieving, their emotions are raw. This situation will work itself out in time, but until it does, please remember that your father can talk to whomever he pleases.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 13 years and have two children, 7 and 9. About a year ago, my 41-year-old husband befriended an 11-year-old neighbor girl, "Lacey." Lacey is charming, friendly and plays with my children.

I like her and her family, but I'm bothered that she and my husband have a relationship that seems questionable to me and his friends. Lacey texts him daily, to which he quickly responds. They have conversations in our driveway, and they text each other constantly at neighborhood socials even though they're in the same room.

I have told my husband I am concerned and that it may be an unhealthy relationship, but he becomes angry and insulted and says it's an innocent friendship. Others have also voiced their concerns to him because they see the same things I do. On the other hand, her parents think the friendship is innocent.

Abby, am I overreacting? Should I view it as an innocent friendship, or could there really be a problem? -- WORRIED WIFE DOWN SOUTH

DEAR WORRIED: I don't think you're overreacting in light of the fact that other adults are picking up on the "vibes" and making comments. I find it of concern that Lacey doesn't have playmates her own age. It appears she has a crush on your husband, and he finds it flattering and is encouraging her.

While the conversations in the driveway may be completely innocent, the idea that they are texting each other makes me uncomfortable. My advice is to have a frank talk with Lacey's mother and express your concerns, because while what's going on may be innocent, it is not appropriate. The older male figure in her life should be her father.

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PAINFUL TRUTH OF MARRIAGE

DEAR ABBY: The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?

You guessed it. He said, "Giving up sex with you." I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.

I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband's life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? -- LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY

DEAR LOST THE BATTLE: Not at all, particularly if you prefer sex to a full-bodied Cabernet. But now it's time for a follow-up question: "Why?" If sex with you is less interesting to your mate than his vino, he may have an alcohol problem. Or the problem may lie in your bedroom.

One thing is certain: When you asked your question, you "uncorked" the fact that there's a serious problem in your marriage. And now you have an opportunity to do something about it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is constantly passing gas. She does not care where she is or who is around. I have worked in the trucking industry for almost 30 years and never ran across anyone as flatulent as she is.

She is young and attractive, but there is nothing less appealing than feeling "frisky," getting into bed and hearing the trumpet sounds. I have recommended she see a doctor, but she laughs it off and says, "Everyone does it."

I can't believe I'm the only one with this problem. I could really use some "sound" advice, Abby. -- BLOWN AWAY IN ALLIANCE, OHIO

DEAR BLOWN AWAY: Everyone may do "it," but perhaps not to the extent that your wife does. There are over-the-counter products that can lessen the problem, which may be related to her diet. However, if her flatulence persists, then I'm recommending you not let your wife "laugh off" the idea of consulting a physician, because her problem could be a symptom of something that needs to be checked out -- and that's no joke.

DEAR ABBY: Our driveway is directly across from our neighbor's dining room window. The only curtain open in their entire house is this one. Since they always sit at this window, they can observe who pulls in and out, what groceries are brought in and how many times we leave.

They make comments like, "I see you had pizza last night," or, "What did you buy at 'Such and Such' store?" This has caused a strain on our relationship with them.

I know they have a right to open whatever curtains they want in their own house, but what about the invasion of our privacy? -- PEEVED BY THE PEEPERS, JOHNSTOWN, PA.

DEAR PEEVED: Apparently what's going on in your driveway is better than what's on television. Because you can't change your neighbors, you're going to have to find the humor in this situation and change the way you react. They may be trying to make conversation because there's nothing else going on in their lives. And their curiosity might turn out to be a blessing one day if someone tries to enter your home in your absence.

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DEAR ABBY: I agree with the response you gave to "Low Priority in Pennsylvania" (Dec. 11) that she reconsider her relationship with her fiance, but not for the reason you may think. Unless they are kids just out of college, three years is a long time to be engaged. Add to this the fact that the man seems to be making no moves to blend his old family with his new one, and it suggests to me that he isn't really serious about making his relationship with "Low Priority" permanent.

After three years, a man who is planning to remarry should be gently encouraging his biological children to accept the new relationship. Obviously, when his kids are visiting he is going to spend a lot of time with them on their own, but he shouldn't be reluctant to show her affection and respect in their presence. He also should not be ignoring her or her child, and there should be time scheduled for all of them to do things together.

That Sunday breakfast would be a perfect opportunity. A man who is serious would wake up the whole house and they'd go to breakfast together. Then afterward, maybe she would go home and he would take all the kids -- her son included -- to do something fun. Or maybe she should be the one who takes the kids for an afternoon, to give his kids a chance to get used to this new woman and negotiate a relationship with her on their own terms.

The fact that he has done none of this should be a huge red flag to "Low Priority." She needs to decide if being engaged for life is good enough, or if she'd rather cut bait and look for a man who loves and respects her enough to fully incorporate her into his life. -- JAYMI IN ATLANTA

DEAR JAYMI: Thank you for writing. Many readers disagreed with my comments and told me emphatically that not only did they regard the man as an uncaring partner, but also as an ineffective parent. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That man is not being a good parent when he has his kids. A real parent sets bedtimes and teaches the kids to consider all the members of the family. He is shortchanging his kids because of his behavior! -- ELIZABETH IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: Through 23 years of marriage I tolerated isolating behavior from my husband when his two sons were visiting, first as teens and later as young adults. Nothing worked -- talking to him, ignoring the behavior, taking my own trips on visit weekends, marriage counseling. I had no say in matters pertaining to the two stepsons, even though they affected my marriage and our home life.

My marriage ended when I finally decided if I was going to feel alone, I might as well enjoy the benefits. My former husband is now alone and none too happy about it. And his now grown sons are no more concerned with his feelings than he was with mine. Children learn by example. -- FORMER STEPMOTHER

DEAR ABBY: In a family, blended or otherwise, the adults are the heads of the family. It's the so-called "executive system." Their relationship must be kind, harmonious and respectful because it sets the tone for the entire family dynamic.

The fiance may love his children, but he's actually causing them more harm by allowing them to rule the roost and see him essentially mistreat the woman and child with whom he has lived for three years. The part of your advice I agree with is that the woman should not marry him. -- THERAPIST IN MAINE