DEAR ABBY: Our oldest daughter is being married soon. When we pulled out our wedding album to show her our pictures, my mother-in-law, "Edith," started laughing and said she hoped our daughter's wedding would be better than ours was. Then she said our wedding had been "an embarrassment," and she wished she hadn't invited any of her friends to it!

Abby, her son and I have been married more than 25 years. This was the first time Edith has ever mentioned my "awful" wedding. My father-in-law tried to shut her up, but she went on and on about how she should have stepped in and "helped."

My husband and I think his mother should apologize, but she says we are being "too sensitive." My daughter is upset about it too.

We want Edith to be a part of our daughter's wedding and festivities, but what kind of role should I allow her to have? I'm still angry and very, very hurt. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR MOTHER OF THE BRIDE: Could your mother-in-law have had one too many when she came out with her insensitive and rude revelation? Face it, had she truly wanted to "help," it would have been as simple as her volunteering to do so.

While an apology should be forthcoming, don't expect one. In labeling you "too sensitive," Edith was blaming the person whose face she had slapped for reacting.

While your wish to have her be a part of your daughter's wedding is laudable, the role I strongly recommend she play would be a nonspeaking one such as providing "something old, something new, something borrowed or something blue." PERIOD.

DEAR ABBY: My older brother, "Gabe," 51, lives in another state. He calls me and my other brother often, asking our advice and opinions on everything -- work, parenting and his relationships. His current relationship is like all the others have been. He either picks the wrong person or he IS the wrong person.

What concerns me is that after torturing my brother and me for hours at a time, Gabe then calls our 70-year-old mother. He subjects her to long, circular conversations and never takes any of our advice.

Despite our requests for him to stop burdening us all, especially Mom, Gabe persists. Mom is losing sleep, and she's very upset because Gabe is unhappy and because he talks to her long into the night. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but she's reached her limit.

Gabe sought professional help a few years ago, when he was having the same problem with a different woman. After three years of therapy his therapist -- a priest -- refused to treat him because it seemed like Gabe wasn't listening.

What can Mom do to get some peace but spare his feelings? I believe my brother has an emotional disorder, but he refuses to get help or take medication. -- OVERWHELMED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Gabe may indeed have an emotional problem. He may also be self-centered and in love with the sound of his own voice.

You and your brother need to impress upon your mother that her health must come first. And she needs to impress upon Gabe that her bedtime is (blank) p.m. and she will not stay up beyond that time. If necessary, she should unplug her phone to make sure her sleep isn't interrupted.

As long as Gabe has you, your brother and your mother to drain to the point of exhaustion, I hope you realize he won't seek the professional help he needs, so all of you need to finally draw the line.

DEAR ABBY: You missed an important clue in the letter from "Must Choose in Maryland" (Nov. 30), who is considering moving to improve her daughter's school life. Abby, the child is only 7. She has been in public school for three years, so the private school where she "flourished" was PRESCHOOL.

Many children encounter problems when school becomes more difficult and grading is involved. Before moving and losing her "great job, wonderful friends and comfortable lifestyle," that mother should try more options.

"Must Choose" should consider having her daughter tested for learning disabilities or physical problems. She needs to work with her daughter's school and teachers, and maybe employ private tutoring or counseling to find methods that improve the way her daughter learns. It's possible that if they move, they will only take their problems with them. -- FORMER PRESCHOOL AND PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER

DEAR TEACHER: I appreciate your offering your insight. Many readers pointed out how important it is for this mother to be proactive during any transition in her child's life. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Most children are successful in school at age 4. Before uprooting her family, "Must Choose" should meet with the school's principal and teachers to determine exactly why her daughter "hates" school.

What criteria, other than her daughter's feelings, is she using as an indicator that the schools are awful? Test data, facilities, community support, teacher qualifications, etc. should be reviewed. Moving won't ensure a successful educational experience for her daughter. Understanding and dealing with what's at the root of the child's failure will. -- CAROL IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: "Must Choose" needs to examine her daughter's situation more carefully. In preschool, children generally learn social skills, with some introduction to letters and numbers. From kindergarten to second grade, classroom instruction in mathematical and reading skills carry expectations of mastery.

Comparing the enthusiasm and success of preschool to grade school achievements is like comparing apples to oranges. Her daughter may be exhibiting signs of learning disabilities much before second grade because children develop at different rates. It is when they begin to learn to read and do mathematical computations that these difficulties are recognized.

I encourage this mother to talk with her daughter's teacher. She may find an ally there who is as invested in her daughter's social and academic success as she is -- and not an enemy. -- JENNI IN WARRENTON, MO.

DEAR ABBY: If "Must Choose" keeps moving, a new group of educators will have to start from scratch to evaluate the issues. As a public school teacher in a diverse district, I often see parents run from the school rather than work to help their children succeed. That mother needs to work with the professional educators in her district to get to the bottom of her child's problems. -- OHIO TEACHER

DEAR ABBY: "Public" education should not automatically translate to "substandard." Good teachers in public or private schools encourage and support students at multiple stages of development.

"Must Choose" should spend time in her daughter's classroom to observe, volunteer and ask questions. If there's a problem, intervention needs to happen sooner rather than later. Open, honest and constructive feedback directed toward a solution is in order. -- EDUCATIONAL SOAPBOX, U.S.A.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Harry," and I had a good marriage for 25 years, but we have grown apart and have agreed to divorce when our child finishes college. We just don't have a lot in common anymore. Harry is on the road a lot, and I have my own business.

My problem is I have fallen in love with Harry's cousin "Cyrus." We met 25 years ago at my sister-in-law's house and were instantly attracted. My mother-in-law reintroduced us five years ago so we could put together a business deal, and we became close. Cyrus is successful, and he's generous to me and my child. I have been secretly in love with him all these years, and now he has fallen in love with me, too.

Because I plan to leave Harry does not mean I want to leave his family. I have a wonderful mother-in-law and great sisters-in-law, and I love being a part of their family. I enjoy the weddings, family reunions and even the memorial services.

When I divorce Harry and marry Cyrus, I plan to remain part of the family, but my sisters-in-law do not approve, and they no longer want to continue our friendship. If it doesn't bother my soon-to-be-ex-husband, why should my continuing to attend family reunions bother them? And will time heal all wounds? -- GOING CRAZY IN ALABAMA

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Allow me to offer a clue. Harry's sisters appear to be traditional in their beliefs and may consider you to be an adulteress who has wronged their brother. If the breach can be healed, Harry will have to explain to them that the divorce is also his idea because your marriage has been over for years. However, if your soon-to-be-ex is unwilling to step forward, then I seriously doubt time will heal this wound, so please don't hold your breath expecting any invitations when their clan gathers.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my father died 15 years ago, my mother has pursued her children's friends and made them her own. Example: I live in another state and have had a best friend, "Anne," for 20 years. Mom has gotten to know Anne quite well over the years, through me. She now calls Anne long distance, invites her to come and stay with her (without me), and considers the two of them best friends.

Last week when I talked to Anne, I learned that Mother will be joining us on a girls' trip I had planned with my closest friends. Mother has done this with my siblings' friends, too -- taking them on trips with her or inviting them to visit. Since Dad's death, she has severed most of their old friendships. Now, aside from our friends, her only friends are her secretary and some of her employees.

I'm having a hard time with this because I can no longer be open about my mother to Anne. Mom's relationship with Anne has changed my relationship with my friend, and I resent it. Is this normal? -- COMPETING WITH MOM

DEAR COMPETING: No, but has it occurred to you that after your father's death, their friends may have ended their relationship with your mother? According to my mail, it happens quite often because a widow may be perceived as a third wheel or even a threat.

Your mother may be competing with you (and your siblings), or it could be a desperate attempt to be more involved in your lives.

Does Anne know how uncomfortable this three-way has made you feel? If so, how did she respond when you told her? If you have discussed it, then it's time to recognize that the problem isn't entirely your mother, and you may be mad at the wrong person.