DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 40s, and married with two daughters. I have a friend, "Sally," whom I have known since the third grade. We are like sisters.

Sally has been profoundly depressed for at least 15 years. She sees a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis and is on medication.

My question, Abby, is what do you say to someone who calls at least once a week, for at least an hour, crying so hard I can barely understand her? She calls to tell me how sad she is and how she doesn't think anything in her life will improve. While I'm concerned for her and care about what happens to her, I don't feel I can give her any advice or guidance that her counselor/psychiatrist isn't able to give.

Short of listening and providing the proverbial shoulder to lean on, what more can I do? I feel I need to be there for her, but I also feel drained dry because this has been going on for several years. Any guidance you might offer would be greatly appreciated. -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONCERNED: You are a supportive friend, but when Sally calls crying so hard she can hardly talk, tell her that the person she needs to be talking to is her therapist. By allowing her to vent to you, you are preventing the therapist from evaluating her while she's in crisis and giving her the tools she needs to improve. Your friend may need to have her meds adjusted or changed, and seeing Sally while she is "at the bottom" could give her therapist valuable insights. If Sally isn't capable of placing the call to her therapist, offer to do it for her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in eighth grade. I have plenty of friends, play the clarinet and piano, and am involved in school yearbook and theater, among other things. My problem is, I get sick a lot.

No one can figure out why I can't go two weeks without picking up a virus. Because of this I am gone from school quite often. I can handle the occasional teasing I get from other kids, and my teachers are helpful. It's the two school secretaries I have a problem with.

Once, when I left school during the day because I wasn't feeling well, one of them said to me: "You need to try to be at school more. I know it's hard, but you've got to try." Other things they have said lead me to believe they think I'm faking. Now they want a note from every doctor I see. I was gone a lot last year, but they didn't enforce this.

What is appropriate in responding to their "comments"? I'd like to ask, "Is that your opinion as a secretary?" or say, "I'm doing the best I can with my situation and you're not helping." Or, I could bore them with a detailed description of my medical history, or maybe complain to the principal. What do you suggest? -- SICK OF IT IN IOWA

DEAR SICK OF IT: Your medical history is not the school secretaries' business, and you do not owe them any detailed descriptions of it. However, it's possible that the woman who advised you that you "needed to be at school more" was speaking out of concern, so try not to be defensive.

If a note from your doctor is required, you should produce one after every absence. And I recommend that you have your mother contact the principal if there are any questions about your medical status.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl and I fight with my mother almost daily. It makes me sad and upset all the time, and I don't know what to do. The last fight we had was over something so dumb I don't even know why I dragged it out for so long. I said things I didn't mean -- things that were hurtful and cruel.

No child should ever treat a parent like I treat my mom. I take her love and kindness for granted, and never tell her how much I really do appreciate her. What I said to her in anger made her cry.

How can I tell or show my mom how sorry I am and how much I love her and admire her, and how can I stop myself from exploding and saying things to her that I don't mean? -- UPSET IN INDIANA

DEAR UPSET: The most direct way to make amends would be to hug your mom and apologize for flying off the handle and saying things you didn't mean. Tell her you love her and will try hard to do better because you are ashamed of your behavior and know it wasn't justified.

It's important to understand that the average person can experience frustration that leads to anger multiple times a day. Anger is a normal emotion.

The challenge that everyone faces is how not to deny the feeling, but to express it in ways that are productive for ourselves and not hurtful to others. One way to accomplish this is recognizing what pushes our buttons. What provoked you? Were you under pressure? Or were you angry about something else so you "dumped" on an innocent party (in this case, your mom) because she was handy?

In my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," I explain that one of the unhealthiest ways to deal with anger is to deny or repress it. However, because most of us have been trained from early childhood to suppress anger, many of us need to learn to express it appropriately.

The Anger booklet can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

In it are suggestions for managing anger, including how to express anger in constructive ways, such as a few well-chosen words that will make your point. It takes maturity to identify and verbalize negative emotions instead of "lashing out" and saying -- or doing -- something you'll regret.

Being able to calmly say, "When you do (blank), it makes me angry," before flying off the handle will earn you respect from others. If you resort to name-calling, the other person hears only the "static" and doesn't get your message. The first step in controlling anger is to recognize that the emotion is building, to understand that there are healthy and effective ways to express it, and to diffuse it before you lose control.

DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to "Blushing in San Francisco" (Nov. 21), the 11-year-old girl who's embarrassed because her mother sings and dances in the mall. I was that mother a few years ago.

My daughter and I shopped in trendy stores where the music was really loud, and when she saw me bob my head and move to the music, she would shake her head "no." I'd do it again -- just to torture her. As she tried on clothes, she would pop out and say, "Have you been dancing again? This is a no-dancing zone!" We laugh about it now.

When I teach, I tell my students what I did. They tell me unanimously that they would die if I were their mom -- to which I respond that it's my job to make them miserable.

As the Bee Gees sang, "You should be daaaancin', yeah!" -- STILL DANCING IN GRANITE CITY, ILL.

DEAR STILL DANCING: Your letter was among hundreds I received pointing out that "Blushing in San Francisco's" dilemma is universal. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a contractor, and his office is in our home. He enjoys playing music while he works, and we often hear him singing happily along.

One evening when my daughter was 11, she had some friends over and was trying her best to ignore the fact that her dad was singing while he worked, and hoping her friends wouldn't notice. All went well until Shania Twain came on and he started singing along to "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!"

We all laughed hysterically, and it's still one of our favorite memories. My daughter saw that her dad could laugh at himself, and that her friends enjoyed the humor without losing respect for him.

Not to take oneself too seriously was the lesson learned. It's one we all need reminding about occasionally. -- STILL LAUGHING IN SAN JOSE

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter was about 8, I was walking her to the door of her school and thought I'd have some fun with her, so I started acting like a cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Dracula and the Mummy. When I asked if I was embarrassing her, she responded: "Why would I be embarrassed? You're the one acting silly!" I immediately stopped because she was right. What she understood at her tender age was that you can only be responsible for your own actions. -- MOM IN HAMILTON, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR ABBY: My advice to "Blushing" is to enjoy her mother while she has her. When I was in my teens, my dad mortified me with his dancing whenever we went to the grocery store. While pushing his shopping cart, Dad would bebop up and down the aisles. As an adolescent, it embarrassed me to no end.

I look back now and regard my father's dancing fondly -- mainly because I have two delightful small children who inherited their grandfather's love of dancing. When I see them "perform," I know my dad is looking down from heaven and chuckling, too. -- PROUD MOM IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: I was embarrassed every time I went to the mall with my mom because she'd usually burst into show tunes before we got out of the parking lot.

I am now 40, and I sing in parking lots, too. I finally understand that the most valuable lesson my mother ever taught me was to let that song in my heart out and not care what anybody else thinks. It's empowering, and "Blushing" should give it a try. -- SECOND-GENERATION SINGER

DEAR SINGER: One of these days, try it in a parking structure. The acoustics are as good as any you'll find in a recording studio. -- LA-LA IN L.A. aka DEAR ABBY