DEAR ABBY: I work for supermarkets as a merchandiser, and a day doesn't go by when I don't see customers eat food they have not yet purchased while they shop.

I was taught as a child that items in a supermarket are not yours to consume until they are first paid for at the register. A supermarket is not a restaurant! You pay for the food before you eat it.

I am sure many people "forget" they handed their child a muffin from the bakery display to keep him or her occupied while they shop. And how can a store weigh the grapes you ate while browsing in the aisles? This is stealing, and parents send the wrong message to their children by letting them graze on the products the store is selling.

By the way, employees are not allowed to say anything to customers when they see it happen. This practice not only keeps prices higher, but also is unhygienic. Shopping carts are filthy; they are rarely cleaned. Pushing a cart and eating a cookie is a perfect way to pick up a serious food-borne illness.

Abby, what are your thoughts on the subject? -- SUPERMARKET MERCHANDISER IN NEW YORK

DEAR S.M.: They're the same as yours. Children learn more from the examples set by the adults in their lives than from what they are told. When they see their parents bend the rules, they grow up thinking it's normal. And by the way, this applies not only to what we do, but also to our sins of omission.

DEAR ABBY: This year was awful. One of my friends shot himself. A few weeks ago a classmate hit a young man, and the guy died. Now I have just learned that yesterday another classmate was killed in a car crash.

All I want to do is hide in my room. I'm scared of what is happening. Who are we going to lose next? Please tell me how to handle this. -- SCARED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SCARED: When deaths happen with no warning, it is shocking and scary, and you have had more than your share. When tragedies such as you have described happen during the school year, many schools invite grief counselors to come and talk with the students, which can be helpful. If that hasn't happened where you live, it would be a good idea for you and some of your friends to discuss your feelings with a clergyperson or another trusted adult who can guide you through the normal emotions people experience during the grieving process.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement for us. Is a butter knife used to put your butter on your plate, or to spread the butter on your bread? -- ETIQUETTE-CHALLENGED IN SHILOH, ILL.

DEAR CHALLENGED: If a small fork isn't provided to transfer the butter to your bread plate, use the butter knife to do it. If the butter is served in a dish, then use your butter knife to scoop out a portion and place it on the edge of the plate.

And by the way, when you take a slice of bread, do NOT butter it all at once. Break off a bite-sized piece, apply the butter, then pop it in your mouth.

P.S. The butter dilemma can be avoided by substituting olive oil instead, which is healthier. When I'm in a restaurant, I often ask for olive oil, to which I add a dash of balsamic vinegar -- making sure the design on my butter plate looks like modern art. Not only is it good for my heart, it's creative and fun.

P.P.S. My editor suggests adding a dash of Parmesan. Delicious!

DEAR ABBY: I'm a homemaker with two sweet little girls. As precious as they are to me, I have a problem that is preventing me from giving them the kind of life they deserve. I hate to leave my house. Anytime I have to leave the house I start sweating, my heart starts pounding, and by the time I return home I'm exhausted and can do nothing more for the rest of the day.

My girls are asking to go to parties, have me volunteer in their classrooms, and they want to join Girl Scouts. I don't know what to do! I want them to experience all of these things, but the thought of how I'll have to leave the house and all the people I will have to meet and try to converse with brings me to tears. I don't want my anxieties to rub off onto my children. What should I do? -- HOMEBOUND IN ANDERSON, CALIF.

DEAR HOMEBOUND: Call your doctor and have a frank conversation about how stressful it is for you to leave the house and interact with people. Then ask for a referral to a mental health professional who treats panic and phobic disorders, because it appears you have at least one.

Fortunately, problems such as yours are treatable -- but in order to get the help you need, you will have to ASK for it. Make it your first New Year's resolution.

DEAR ABBY: I have been keeping company with a man for the past 10 years. Our spouses are deceased. He sometimes receives invitations to weddings, parties, etc. addressed only to him. Without consulting me, he will call and tell these people that if I am not invited, then he will not attend -- so they are forced to tell him it's OK if I come, too. I am very uncomfortable about these situations.

I feel that after 10 years my name, or at least "and guest," should appear on the invitation or I should not go. Because I don't want him to stay home, I usually end up going. What do you think about this? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Your gentleman friend's behavior is rude. Guest lists are usually limited for economic reasons. He should not be attempting to "blackmail" his prospective hosts. Many hosts handle situations like this by cheerfully telling the boor who tries it, "Sorry you won't attend. We'll miss you!"

I don't blame you for feeling awkward. My advice is not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I have only recently realized how unhappy my parents' marriage is. On the way home from a concert one night, my mom started crying and said how much she wanted to be with a man who could stay awake throughout a performance. Then she told me I should never get married. She said people "always grow apart." She has been saying it repeatedly over the last few weeks and has even had some of her friends tell me the same thing.

I began asking other people about it, and they all act like they're not happy in their marriages, either. I am now genuinely afraid to get married.

I am 18 and have just started dating a man you would consider marriage material. But I'm holding back my feelings because I'm afraid one day he might propose. Is "happily ever after" achievable anymore in a marriage? -- UPSET IN GRAND RAPIDS

DEAR UPSET: Your parents' marriage appears to have hit a rough patch. When your mother started crying after the concert, I guarantee she wasn't crying because your father couldn't stay awake until the end. She was crying because she was disappointed in him for something else.

While the intensity of feelings can fluctuate over time in a marriage, couples do not "always" grow apart. The fact that your mother's friends are echoing those sentiments makes me wonder what kind of a crowd she's surrounding herself with, because unhappy people usually attract other negative people.

While I know from experience that a lasting, loving relationship/marriage is possible, allow me to point out that the qualities that attract someone at 18 may not be necessarily the same ones you'll find important when you're older. That is why it's important that before you start thinking about marriage, you first establish yourself as an independent, self-supporting young woman and take your time before committing yourself to anyone.

DEAR ABBY: A former professor of mine was a good friend and very supportive last year when I was experiencing some personal difficulties. Recently I have heard that he has not been acting like himself. I was told he has developed a bad attitude, curses in class, and uses his degree to demean his students' opinions on topics. One of his current students told me he's surprised the professor hasn't been thrown out of class for his behavior.

This is not the same professor who helped me last year. It seems like his evil twin. I suspect he may be having some personal problems. Because of our previous professor/student relationship, I don't think I can get involved. However, because of the help he gave me when I needed it, I care and would like to offer support. Is there anything I can do? I want my friend back. -- STUDENT WHO CARES

DEAR STUDENT: While it might not be appropriate for you to reach out to your former professor directly, it still may be possible to get him some help. Tell the student who spoke to you that he and some of the other members of the class should talk to the head of the department or the dean about what has been going on and the fact that the professor may be in need of help. If the man is, indeed, having personal problems, his supervisor would be in a better position to see he gets it than you are.