DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it.

Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again.

Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom.

Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now. --- JANET IN TEXAS

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she said it.

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

DEAR ABBY: Is it impolite to ask for your favorite server at a restaurant you frequent? -- DINING OUT IN WINCHESTER, VA.

DEAR DINING OUT: No, it's not impolite -- in fact, it's done all the time. But if the server is popular, it's always a good idea to call ahead to reserve a table in your favorite server's section.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my fiance, "Trevor," for three years. When his children -- ages 7 and 8 -- are here for their visits, he treats me like a third wheel. Trevor shows me absolutely no affection, nor will he have as much as a two-sentence conversation with me.

His children dictate what we will be having for dinner and what we'll do for the weekend they are here. They hang on him as if they are growths on his skin. I can't even get a hug from him. We don't have five minutes alone. Trevor allows them to stay up as late as they want, and once they go to bed, he goes, too. Most times he doesn't even say good night.

Many times he has left me and my 5-year-old son sleeping and has taken his kids for breakfast without even giving me the courtesy of asking if we'd like to join them. Abby, as soon as his children return to their mother, he becomes himself again -- attentive, loving and always including me in what he's doing.

I have told Trevor many times how I feel about this. I understand he loves his children and wants to spend as much time as possible with them when they're here. But must I be put on hold while they visit? I'm ready to pick up and leave. -- LOW PRIORITY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LOW PRIORITY: Feeling as you do, that might be best for all concerned. For whatever reason, you perceive your fiance's visitations with his children as competition. From my perspective, however, Trevor loves his children, may carry some guilt that the family is no longer intact, and tries the best he can to concentrate all his energy on them during the short periods they are with him. This is not about you and him; it is about THEM.

Forgive me for not being more sympathetic, but please recognize that your present is a glimpse of what your future will be if you marry Trevor. Once you accept that, you'll have a better idea of what you want to do.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 56-year-old woman. When I was growing up, I missed out on a lot in school because of a hearing problem. I was able to graduate from high school -- but just barely. I can read and write, but there are things I should know how to do but can't.

I am very embarrassed that I'm not able to do things most people take for granted -- for example, make change. I could never work as a cashier because I know I'd be fired on the spot. I have owned a housecleaning business for 17 years, which has worked out OK, but I'd like to have a job where I'm around people.

How can I learn about money without embarrassing myself or my family? -- CHALLENGED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CHALLENGED: Because you want to supplement your math skills, start checking opportunities that are available in your area for adult education. Some high schools and community colleges offer night classes for adults.

Also, some important advances in cash register design have occurred since your school days. Cash registers now indicate for the cashier exactly how much change should be returned to the customers. So if the idea of a job in retail interests you, start looking around.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Hanukkah begins at sundown. To all of you I wish a happy festival of lights!

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Smart Seventh-Grader" (Sept. 26) was supportive, but did not address the heart of her problem. Many years ago I was that little girl. No one had explained to me there is a difference between knowing the answer to the teacher's questions and knowing how to THINK.

Her teachers and friends already know she knows all the answers. She has nothing to prove, so you should have told her to set herself an intellectual goal of asking questions in class that will spark the imaginations of other students and deepen the discussion.

When she can't do that, she can sit quietly and let the teacher interact with others who don't already know all the material. If she does, her teachers will bless her today, and she will bless you for the rest of her life.

No one likes to be around a know-it-all, and the sooner she learns that lesson the happier she'll be. -- BARBARA, A LIBRARIAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR BARBARA: While I hate to see any child hide his or her light under a barrel, you are right about the importance of children developing social and coping skills. I received a blitz of e-mail from teachers and parents who echoed your sentiments. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a teacher of 30 years, allow me to provide another response to "Smart Seventh-Grader." It's entirely possible that the student who accused her of being a "know-it-all" is one who would like to answer.

Does she raise her hand to answer every question the teacher asks? Some kids are intimidated by it, so she should limit herself so others also have a chance to answer. They need a chance to shine, too.

When kids stop raising their hands because one person always does, it's hard for the teacher to ignore the one kid. But teachers want others to learn, too. The ability to listen to others and share opportunities for learning will make her a better person. -- SOUTH CAROLINA TEACHER

DEAR ABBY: I am an adult now, but I was once that child. Grades came easily to me, and sometimes other kids made fun of me for being so smart. I purposely missed answers on tests at times to avoid getting a perfect score and being teased. I wanted to fit in. I learned early that intelligence was not something to be prized.

When I was older and began dating, I remember my mom telling me boys didn't like girls who were smarter or who beat them at sports or games. So I began hiding the gifts and talents God had blessed me with. I married young to a man who was intimidated by my intelligence, so I hid it away piece by piece until even I began to doubt my capabilities.

Then one day something happened that changed everything. I was granted another gift -- a daughter who was blessed with a beautifully intelligent mind and reminded me of myself as a child. I saw her watch my every step and try to be like me. It was then that I realized I had to own and embrace my intelligence or she would hide hers and allow others to steal it away piece by piece.

Abby, it was life-changing. It has caused difficulties in my marriage because I suddenly changed the rules of the game, and I no longer allow myself to be less so that someone else can be more -- but that change needed to happen.

May I share with "Smart Seventh-Grader" some of what I have shared with my daughter? NEVER hide your God-given talents to make someone else feel better. When people tease you about being smart, they're showing their own insecurity. Don't be afraid to answer questions, but don't "show off." Life is a balance. Embrace your intelligence and view it as the gift it is. If you let it shine, it will take you far. -- OLDER AND WISER IN INDIANA