DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Charlie" for almost a year. We both have children from previous relationships. He has recently been talking about marriage, but as much as I care for him, I am reluctant.

When my daughter, "Mia," was in kindergarten, she was diagnosed with ADHD. I went through some rough times. It took all I had to raise her and her younger brother. Mia is now 13 and finally starting to overcome her ADHD issues.

The problem is Charlie's daughter (age 8) has ADHD far worse than Mia's was, and his other daughter (age 6) has an eating disorder.

Charlie divorced his wife just before we began dating, and he became a single parent. He has never parented alone. His wife was the primary caregiver to both girls.

Charlie does take the advice I offer and has tried to change his disciplinary habits, but only when I say something. And he doesn't take his younger daughter's disorder seriously.

I would like to stay with him, but -- and this is going to sound awful -- I don't want to raise his high-maintenance kids. I feel I have served my time as a parent to a child with special needs. Caring for his changes all the rules I have established for my own children. They're beginning to wonder why his daughters are treated more leniently and, "If I had done that, you'd have punished me" is something I hear all the time. -- BURNED-OUT MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR BURNED OUT: Your signature says it all. Have you heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? You and Charlie have a wonderful relationship right now. You can enjoy him and help him out when he needs it, and you're still free to absent yourself when his girls become too much for you.

Marriage is a package deal. If you combine households feeling the way you do, it would be unfair to yourself, to Charlie and all four of the children. I advise against it.

P.S. If you haven't already mentioned to Charlie that both his daughters need to be under a doctor's care, I urge you to do it.

DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old daughter, "Tiffany," still lives at home. When she was out of work for six months, we paid all her bills.

She has become very disrespectful to me and my husband. The atmosphere in our home has become so toxic that we asked her to move out. When we told her, she threatened us by saying if we make her move we'll never see her again.

I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I have done something to make her behave this way, and I can no longer function normally on a daily basis. I'm extremely depressed, and I desperately need advice on how to proceed. -- HELPLESS IN MARYLAND

DEAR HELPLESS: Is Tiffany on drugs? Does she have emotional problems that have prompted her personality change? If the answer is yes, she needs professional help and should be allowed to stay only if she agrees to it. If the answer is no, then your "mistake" may have been in being so lenient and generous that your daughter may feel it's her right to stay on her own terms indefinitely.

You are entitled to respect and peace of mind in your own home, so stick to your guns and don't cave in. Tiffany isn't going to disappear from your lives forever. In fact, if her behavior is any indication, I predict she'll be back the minute she needs money, if not before.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for many years. We have three happy, successful children and a good life together. I love him dearly.

I recently discovered that he had been spending a lot of time in erotic online chat rooms. He had hundreds of contacts he was speaking with regularly for pleasure. It had escalated to the point that he would have "conversations" with them on the phone or watch them on a webcam.

After I caught him, he promised to stop. I caught him again and threatened to leave him. He swore that he had never met any of these people and that he had used a fictitious name. He's now getting counseling and expects me to get beyond it. I am trying, but I feel betrayed. I feel as though he was unfaithful.

I am sure you have other readers out there who have experienced Internet infidelity. Do you consider it cheating if they never actually physically meet the people they talk to? I have no one to discuss this with and would appreciate some input. -- JUST PLAIN SAD IN MAINE

DEAR JUST PLAIN SAD: Yes, I do consider it a form of cheating. And it would be in your interest to get to the bottom of why this happened before you "get beyond it."

You're feeling sad because you were betrayed. And the fact that you have no one to discuss it with makes me sad. That's why I'm advising you that you could also benefit from counseling, and I recommend that you seek a referral right away.

DEAR ABBY: I have two great-nephews. I would like to invite one of them to help me on a big shopping trip, but I don't want to include his brother.

The 10-year-old is a sweet boy who always shows respect for his elders. His 12-year-old brother is a smart-mouth, arrogant know-it-all. How can I invite one without having to put up with the other? -- GREAT-AUNT SUSIE ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR GREAT-AUNT SUSIE: Just pick up the phone and ask his mother if you can bring the younger boy along to help you on the trip. Don't mention the older boy. And if his mother brings him up, tell her what you have told me. However, if you plan to shower the younger one with gifts on that trip and "forget" the older one, I'd advise against it because it will create resentment and the target will be the younger boy.

DEAR ABBY: How do you handle someone who needs to constantly flaunt his money? That person is my boss. He makes a lot of money, and he enjoys rubbing it in my face. He never fails to tell me how much he pays for purchases -- from cars to clothing, even to how much he paid for his mother's funeral. He literally approaches my desk with his checkbook open and points out the amount.

This man spends more on clothes in a month than I earn in a year. He takes his cash out of his pocket and counts it in front of me. I feel like he's waiting for some kind of reaction from me, but I don't give in.

Can you think of a way for me to stop him in his tracks when he starts regaling me with his next shopping spree? -- FRUGAL OFFICE WORKER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR OFFICE WORKER: I sure can. Tell him you need a raise.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl who loves going shopping and doing various stuff with my mom. But when we go to the mall or stop for lunch and she hears a song she likes, she'll start singing to it. And if we're standing up, she even dances to it a little.

I have tried telling her to stop because she's embarrassing me, but all she says is, "No one is looking, honey." She also does it at home in front of my friends when I play my iPod. Any suggestions? -- BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BLUSHING: Your problem is one that has been shared by generations of young people. You have reached an age when image is becoming important to you, and you're afraid that your mother's behavior will reflect badly on you. It won't.

Rather than be embarrassed, please consider how lucky you are to have an upbeat, music-loving mother with a sense of rhythm and some knowledge of the lyrics. (If she has forgotten, be a sweetheart and offer to teach her.) I have it on good authority that an "old dog" can learn new tricks.

DEAR ABBY: After 30 years of marriage I still don't know how to tell my wife she can't cook. I came home tonight to find an expensive piece of meat I had been looking forward to eating reduced to shoe leather.

In our golden years, we will be able to afford to splurge on expensive cuts of meat, etc., only rarely. It is disappointing to have to toss it into the garbage.

I never encouraged my wife to cook, and usually the pressure of work distracts her. But she has been "surprising" me more often with "delicacies" on her days off.

I dread retirement. How can I nicely ask her not to go to the trouble of preparing these disastrous dishes? -- WANTS TO BE TACTFUL

DEAR WANTS: Who has been doing the cooking in your household all these years -- or have the two of you been eating out? Because you can't bring yourself to tell your wife her cooking skills need improvement, allow me to offer an alternative. Sign the two of you up for nighttime cooking classes so she can brush up on her culinary skills and, if necessary, you can take over the role of family chef after you retire. Bon appetit!

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was 15. It was nasty. My mother, in an act of desperation, dragged me into it. I was placed in foster care until her allegations were looked into and found to be false.

I held a grudge for 10 years. During that time I was bitter, angry, shy, anxious, scared -- overall, just a mess. I finally realized that until I addressed those feelings, it would affect all aspects of my life.

At 25, I am finally trying to have a relationship with my mother. It has been hard. There are some things from the past that I cannot forget, and I find it difficult to let go of my anger and resentment.

I'd like to write a book about my experience as a guide to forgiving and moving on, but if I do, I would not be able to hide my identity or my mother's. Is it realistic to write a self-help book without the world knowing it's my family I'm talking about? I'm longing to help others. -- ASPIRING WRITER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ASPIRING WRITER: It can be done. I can think of two ways to accomplish what you have in mind. The first would be to write the story as fiction. The second would be to adopt a pen name. Whether or not your story turns out to be a best seller, the experience would be cathartic.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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