DEAR ABBY: Is there anything wrong with having a lover solely for the purpose of sex? He is grieving for his late wife (my best friend), and I am separated from my husband. We're both lonely and have supported each other through our pain. A few weeks ago we decided to become lovers.

We both have our eyes open, and we don't expect anything out of this except a friendship with benefits. I am satisfying his needs, and he is making me remember the woman I used to be before I was emotionally beaten down by my husband.

I see myself as enjoying the best of both worlds: I'm finding myself again, and I don't have to answer to anyone but me. So, Abby, what do you think? I guess I'm looking for some validation for our selfishness. -- FRIEND WITH BENEFITS

DEAR FRIEND: Selfishness? You are both consenting adults. You can do what you want. Many successful relationships have begun with two people supporting each other through a painful period -- and I don't consider that "selfish" at all.

What I AM having trouble understanding is why you haven't begun divorce proceedings from your emotionally abusive husband. Once that's started, you should have no reason to have any second thoughts at all.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 25 years died last year. How long do I need to maintain ties with his family? Must I still give gifts at Christmas and birthdays to all his siblings, nieces and nephews?

What I need to know is how to ease out of this without offending them. His parents are still alive, and the most I want to do is send a card at Christmas. -- READY TO MOVE ON IN CANADA

DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: No law says that you "have to" maintain a gift-giving relationship with your late husband's relatives. It would be nice, however, to send something to the nieces and nephews -- if only a few dollars and some kind words included in a card.

The message that speaks loudest to me in your letter is the one you did not directly put into words -- that after 25 years of marriage to your husband, you had no meaningful connection with his family. An acceptable way to begin stepping back would be to explain to them that, because of your reduced circumstances, you are no longer able to send the usual gifts and will be sending cards during these holidays.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for all the great advice you have given over the years. I have enjoyed reading your column since I can remember.

When I was in high school nine years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby whom I placed in an open adoption with a great family. I am now in my 20s.

I find that if I mention the adoption, the conversation sometimes becomes awkward. I don't like to mention it with acquaintances because it's something very personal and I am somewhat sensitive about it.

When people ask me if I have children, what would be the appropriate response? -- BIRTH MOTHER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR BIRTH MOTHER: You are under no obligation to give chapter and verse about your personal history to anyone who is only an acquaintance. If you are asked if you have children, just say no because you are not raising any.

DEAR ABBY: Please don't think I'm stupid for asking this, but I need some help. The practice of letter-writing appears to be a dying form because of e-mail and texting -- which I'm good at. But when I receive a nice gift, I know the proper way to acknowledge it is to write a thank-you letter.

DEAR STUCK!: There's no such thing as a "stupid" question, and your problem is one that is shared by many. A thank-you letter doesn't have to be long and flowery. In fact, short and to-the-point can be more effective.

Can you please tell me how to do one that doesn't come across as awkward? Christmas is coming and this is hard for me. When I try to get my thoughts down on paper, I am ... STUCK!

I have found that keeping a notepad handy when I open a gift and jotting down the first thought that comes into my head when I open the package is helpful. (Hint: Is it soft? Cuddly? Tasty? Something you had wanted but had not been able to find? Clever? If the answer is yes, then write it down.)

And by the way, Christmas isn't the only gift-giving occasion when a thank-you letter is called for. There are also weddings, anniversaries, graduations. My booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" offers samples that can be adapted and personalized. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Also included are tips for writing a love letter -- and those letters that are the hardest of all, letters of condolence. Included are specific suggestions on what to say, and equally important, what NOT to say when someone is grieving the loss of a parent, a child or a spouse whether the death may be sudden or after a lingering illness.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I married two years ago, we both wanted children. I am having second thoughts now. We recently discovered that there's a genetic disorder on one side of the family, and it scares me to think we may not have a healthy child.

To be perfectly honest, even if we could have a healthy child, I am also not sure I want to go through the challenge of parenting a teenager. How should I approach my dear husband about my change of heart? -- SECOND-GUESSING IN N.Y.

DEAR SECOND-GUESSING: Be gentle, but be honest. Rather than say you don't want kids, start by saying you are having serious doubts about whether you would be good parent material. Then tell him why.

This will probably be the first of many discussions you'll have with him on the subject, touching on whether your marriage can withstand your change of heart. Not every woman is meant to be a mother -- and better to recognize that fact before becoming one rather than after. That said, you could also change your mind again. Many women have.

DEAR ABBY: In your response to the letter from "'Cougar' in New York" (Sept. 3), you invited your male readers to share their thoughts. Abby, cougars are nothing new. They're simply out of the closet.

Men have been called "dirty old men" for their dalliances with younger women. But older women have quietly involved themselves with younger men for years. As women have become more successful, both in the corporate environment and individually, they have grown bolder in their personal lives.

As a 58-year-old man, I look on this as a natural progression of the boomer-born sexual revolution. When I was in my teens and suffering the testosterone overload, my father said, "Look for an older woman to teach you the ropes." His idea was that they had the experience and patience to tutor.

I don't consider "cougar" as being predatory, nor do most men and women I know. Our world is changing and evolving, and this is simply another chapter. -- SAN DIEGO READER

DEAR SAN DIEGO READER: I appreciate your comments. My male readers shared some interesting insights in favor of the "cougar." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Older women are more established and more interested in fostering personal relationships. Many young women are highly career-oriented and less interested in pursuing relationships, and that can be a turnoff for men. Not all men avoid commitment. Some of us desire it, and we have a greater chance of finding it with someone older, even at the risk of finding a woman beyond childbearing years. -- WILLIAM IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: In truth, I am neither looking for a cougar nor a younger woman. What I am looking for is someone full of life, full of ideas, able to think for herself and not wanting to think for me. I seek someone who is confident, but humble. THAT is what I find attractive in a woman. -- ONE MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

DEAR ABBY: On my 25th birthday, I met a woman who was 10 years older than me. We were both just looking for someone to have fun with. Six months later we were married. We were still together 45 years later when she passed away. I wouldn't trade our years together for anything because we were friends and able to talk about anything to each other. We learned to enjoy simple pleasures, and that made all the difference. If you find someone you are comfortable with, don't let the calendar get in your way. -- STILL GRIEVING IN KILLEEN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: "'Cougar' in New York" answered her own question when she said, "I am a caring, fun person who loves music and dancing." Women like her are attractive at any age. It's the lack of older men who can keep up with them that makes "cougars" available to younger guys! -- JOHN IN GRAND MARAIS, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: Age is just a number. The age difference doesn't matter. Women tend to live longer than men.

I'm in my early 50s and going through a divorce. I always wanted to be a better dancer, so I enrolled in a dance class to improve my skills. I met a wonderful woman there who is several years older than me. Life happens.

We have been dating for more than a year now, and we're having the time of our lives. As my friend says, "Does it get any better than this?" -- "BOY TOY" IN NEW YORK