DEAR ABBY: "Ingmar" and I have been married -- on and off-- for 12 years. We have married each other twice. Ingmar loves "big" women.

The last time we separated was three years ago, after I lost 105 pounds. I lost the weight because my doctor said I had to for health reasons. When I first met Ingmar, I let him know my large size was not normal for me and was a result of some medications I was on.

After my weight started dropping, Ingmar told me I "grossed him out" and I was starting to resemble a "little girl." We have had no physical contact in four years, and we sleep in separate rooms. He often goes off by himself for two or three days at a time. I know he isn't involved with another woman because he can't do anything anymore and he's not willing to fix it.

I feel like a roommate instead of a wife. We don't eat together, watch TV together or kiss anymore. Although I care for my husband, I'm not in love with him anymore. But I'm scared of going out in the "dating world" again. I'm 46 and no longer a "spring chicken," but I crave affection. What do I do? -- AT A CROSSROADS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: The dating world is no lonelier than the one you're living in now -- but at least in the dating world there is hope that you'll connect with someone.

Your husband is punishing you for something that isn't your fault. The fact that he "can't do anything anymore" with you doesn't guarantee that he can't do something with someone else. Offer Ingmar the option of marriage counseling to see if he's capable of an attitude adjustment. But if he's not, recognize that even though you may no longer be a pullet, your best chance at happiness might be to fly the coop.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Daisy," had some really bad relationships in the past and held on to them far too long. At 33, she finally met a man, "Melvin," who was good to her and fun to be with. We were relieved that she had finally made a right choice.

Melvin was divorced with a son. He told Daisy he was a police officer who retired early because of the stress, and regaled her with stories about the many outrageous incidents he's been involved in. They married and now have a new baby. Daisy is happy, loves being a wife and mother, and we were pleased that she has what she always wanted.

My husband and I became suspicious about some of Melvin's stories about the wild and crazy situations that had happened to him on a daily basis. In them, he was always defending helpless people against brutal attackers, saving people in imminent danger, and he was always the hero. My husband decided to check out Melvin's claim of having been a cop. We were shocked and sickened to learn that he never was. All of his stories are lies.

I want to tell Daisy, but I'm not sure how or when. They live in another state, far from us. I don't want to expose him while she is not near us. It will crush her. But our daughter is married to a stranger! Everything Melvin told her about himself is a lie. How should we handle this? -- HEARTBROKEN MOM

DEAR MOM: First of all, your husband should finish what he started. If Melvin wasn't a police officer, what was he? Is he really divorced? How many times? Is his name really Melvin? Has he done time?

Once you have accurate information, you and your husband should pay your daughter a visit -- proof in hand. How she chooses to handle things from then on will be her decision. But from where I sit, she could qualify for an annulment because whoever her husband is, he married her under false pretenses.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were walking our terriers one evening when one had to answer nature's call. Being responsible dog owners, I picked up the "deposit" with a bag we carry for such occasions.

It was garbage pickup day and the neighbors' trash cans were out at the curb, so at the next house I placed the bag in the trash can. My wife, family and co-workers all think this was not appropriate -- that I should have carried it home and disposed of it in our trash can.

Abby, we were 15 minutes from home, but given the choice, I would rather not carry that bag and figured a garbage bin is a garbage bin. I'll abide by your answer and admit I was wrong if you say so. -- POOPED OUT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR P.O.: As long as the bag was securely sealed, I don't think adding it to someone's trash bin was a social no-no. But I do have one suggestion: Keep your water cooler conversation at a higher level and you'll get less poop from your co-workers. Your wife is another story.

DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old son is involved with a 22-year-old girl who is married. He has moved in with her, her husband and their 4-year-old son. He says he's happy with the arrangement.

I have tried to accept this even though I don't approve. I don't want to alienate my son, but I see no good coming from this lifestyle. Abby, please help. -- DISGUSTED MOM IN HENDERSON, NEV.

DEAR DISGUSTED MOM: You do not have to "accept" the arrangement, and as your son's mother you are entitled to tell him you don't approve and why. But he is over 21, and some lessons have to be learned the hard way. So remain calm and bide your time because, sooner or later, the husband's tolerance will wear thin or your son will realize that he deserves to rate higher than No. 2.

DEAR ABBY: I have a gripe I haven't seen addressed in your column. I receive labels, free gifts and even money from charities asking for donations. Why aren't they using all that money for the charity?

I thought I'd done the right thing by sending annual contributions to one charity. Then I get frequent appeals from them that they have run into extra expenses and want more! Americans are generous people, but these groups are bleeding us dry. I'm on the verge of not contributing to any of them. -- TURNED OFF IN TOPEKA

DEAR TURNED OFF: Charities (and causes) hire specialized companies that analyze what kind of "appeals" generate the most money. They have figured out that people who receive "gifts" feel "obligated" to reciprocate -- hence the labels, notepads, etc.

As to being solicited more than once a year, this is done because many people can't remember exactly when they last donated and, in my opinion, it's a way of taking advantage. That said, with the economy in the shape it's in, many charities are genuinely suffering. The need is great -- so please do not stop giving altogether.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and stepfather are divorcing after 30 years together. Mama has moved in with my husband, children and me. My stepfather is alone in their house and struggling to pay the bills.

The problem is Mama wants to confide in me and tell me all her troubles with "Donald." I told her I don't want to hear any of it because I don't want to end up hating him. Donald is my children's grandfather and the only father I have ever known. (There was no abuse involved in their marriage.)

Mother said I am her "best friend," and I should "be there" for her. Then she burst into tears and left. Was I wrong? I told her I support her in every way, but I don't think I should be the one she talks to about her failed marriage. I don't discuss their relationship with my stepdad either. Please tell me how to handle this. -- CAN'T LISTEN IN DELRAY BEACH, FLA.

DEAR CAN'T LISTEN: Please forgive the understatement, but the process of divorce is an extremely emotional one. Your mother may be trying to justify why she walked out and force you to take sides.

Encourage her to express her hurt and disappointment to her spiritual adviser. He or she is more qualified to guide your mom because there is no emotional involvement.

P.S. You are not only a caring daughter, but also a very intelligent one. Hang in there.

DEAR ABBY: Our older daughter is almost 40. It has taken me decades to finally face the fact that she is self-centered, deceitful, manipulative, promiscuous, and enjoys the chaos and drama her bad choices cause. It has wrecked her life and is ruining her children's lives as well. Her lifestyle is radically different from ours and that of our younger daughter.

We have distanced ourselves. It's not that we don't love her -- we just cannot accept the way she chooses to live her life. Her teenage children have begun to mirror her bad behavior. I feel guilty about it, but the drama is more than I can stand. Are we terrible parents? -- DESPAIRING MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DESPAIRING MOM: No, you're not "terrible." In a case like this, backing off is a rational, self-protective reaction to the reality that your daughter is an adult and responsible for her own choices.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman with one child, and I'm in a relationship with a younger man. He has his own home, and I have mine. He stays at my house three nights a week and every other weekend, when my child is not with me. He eats and grooms himself in my home and swims in the community pool.

He never offers to pay for anything, like food, movie tickets, etc. If we go out, he expects me to pay my own way.

In today's world is there any responsibility on a man in a relationship to pay for anything other than himself? Are the days of men taking women out and paying for the date gone? Shouldn't he offer to bring groceries during the times he spends at my home? What should a lady expect from a man in a dating relationship? -- GAL IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GAL: More than you're getting. When someone is in a romantic relationship, there is usually some "courting" behavior involved. (Even birds of prey will bring their prospective mate a dead rat occasionally.) When two people care about each other, there is usually some give and take. But in your case you appear to be doing all the giving.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: To all of you, a happy Eid al-Fitr!

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