DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and have never been able to stand up for myself. I have an extremely sloppy roommate whom I always have to clean up after, a former fiance I want to cut ties with, and an overbearing mother who treats me like a child.

I know I'm in these situations because I have allowed them to happen. I'd like to be able to speak my mind without fear of what will happen, but it's almost as if I feel blackmailed, and sticking up for myself will make them angry. Any advice you can offer will be much appreciated. -- WANTS TO SPEAK UP, ST. LOUIS, MO.

DEAR WANTS TO SPEAK UP: Stop for a moment and look at what being a people-pleaser has gotten you -- a roommate who takes advantage, a former fiance who won't stop clinging, and a mother you're afraid of having a frank talk with. Are you afraid if you have an unpleasant conversation that they won't "like" you?

By refusing to speak up, what you're doing is encouraging more of the same. However, if you draw the line with your roommate and stop acting like her maid, she might straighten up -- or move -- which would free you to find someone with better personal habits. If you tell your former fiance it's time to hit the road, you will free him to find someone else, which would actually be doing him a favor. And as for your mother, wouldn't it be healthier to air your feelings than harbor the resentment you're nursing?

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 28 years. My problem is his mother, "Hildegarde," has always been overly attached to him, so much so that we moved out of state to get away from her.

Hildegarde has now not only moved to our same small town, but to a home just up the street! My husband works long hours, and his mother expects him to visit her daily. If he gets a day off and we do something together, she cries to anyone who will listen that her son "never comes to see her."

This is affecting our marriage. Hildegarde acts like a jilted lover, and I am considering divorcing him to get away from her. Can you please help me? -- TRAPPED LIKE RATS IN COLORADO

DEAR TRAPPED: Nowhere in your letter have you mentioned your husband's feelings about his mother's antics. Surely he must have known she was considering the move. Was he afraid to discourage her?

If ever I heard of a couple who needed couples counseling, it's you two. You must stick together and form a united front. Hildegarde may also need a therapist to help her understand that her neediness is over the top. But exit the marriage only as a last resort, because if you do, you'll be leaving him to her, and she is insatiable.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since 2/02/02 I have created dinner parties or luncheons to celebrate days with unique numbers. On 5/05/05 (Cinco de Mayo) I had Mexican food with my family. On 6/06/06, six of us went out to lunch. The opening night of the Beijing Olympics was on 8/08/08, so eight of us had Chinese take-out while watching the event.

I plan to continue this tradition until 12/12/12. With 9/09/09 coming up, my daughter suggested "Dress to the Nines" as the theme. Isn't that cute? One of life's greatest pleasures is to share a meal with friends. -- CLAIRE IN BETHLEHEM, PA.

DEAR CLAIRE: I agree. While food fills the stomach, the company of friends and loved ones can be more gratifying because it fills the heart and feeds the soul.

P.S. I hope that 13/13/13 isn't a Friday.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister does not pick up her phone unless her boyfriend calls. They have a system worked out to let her know when it's him. She has an answering machine, but its message limit is always full.

She has told everyone that, in case of emergency, they should contact her neighbors, her employer, the police, or -- if she is camping -- the campground police.

Since when is it the responsibility of others to take and deliver messages for her when she makes herself unavailable? What makes it worse is she has a quadriplegic son in frail health who lives on his own with a caregiver. Although my sister makes medical decisions for him, the caregiver is never certain whether Sis can be reached if needed.

Abby, how do you handle such a person? -- DISGUSTED IN UTAH

DEAR DISGUSTED: Your sister is sending a strong message that she doesn't want to be disturbed, nor does she want any real contact with you. I'd "handle it" by taking a giant step back emotionally and contacting her only in case of emergency, in the manner she has requested.

The caregiver is another matter. Because of the son's frail health, the caregiver should be able to speak directly to your sister in the event that an emergency should arise that requires an immediate medical intervention.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 59-year-old woman who has been dating men in their 40s. At first, I refused because I thought they were too young for me and people might laugh. Since then, I have decided that as long as they know from the beginning that I'm not looking for a serious committed relationship, I'd be happy to go out. I have made some great friends and had some great times.

Abby, why do you think younger men are attracted to older women? I'm not exceptionally pretty nor do I have a great body, but I am a caring, fun person who loves music and dancing. Do you think you could poll your readers and get some feedback from men who date older women as to why they do? -- "COUGAR" IN NEW YORK

DEAR "COUGAR": Lord, I hate that word because it implies (to me) that the older woman is somehow predatory, and the men who find her attractive are helpless prey.

If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it's because many older women are independent, self-confident, worldly and not looking for commitment. Those qualities can be very attractive if a man isn't looking for commitment either.

Men, I'll be interested in your comments.

DEAR ABBY: I have just learned that my husband has lung cancer. He has known for almost a year and decided to keep it to himself.

We have been separated for a while, and he lives in another town nearby. We have two children -- both in their teens. I am the only person who knows about his illness.

He has decided not to follow his doctors' advice and is using an alternative treatment. I love him dearly, and I think he should tell the kids. He refuses. Don't you think they have a right to know? Please help me! -- CARRYING A HEAVY BURDEN

DEAR CARRYING: Your children should definitely know, and the person who should give them that information is their father. People often take for granted that their time with the people they love is infinite, and your children are no exception. If their father's time is limited, they might want to spend as much of it as they can with him -- and your husband should allow them to do it. The memories they make during this precious time may be all they have of their father.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Adam," and I bought a lovely, secluded home in the country. We have no children, and our nearest neighbor is a half-mile away. Now it seems like my husband plans to spend the rest of his life in the nude. He loves it and often tells me how "relaxing" it feels. I must admit his temperament has improved.

Please don't get me wrong -- I'm not a prude. But Adam goes for days on end without wearing a stitch unless we're going out or someone is coming over. He works in the yard, cuts the grass, hikes in our woods naked -- and has a head-to-toe golden tan.

I don't mind seeing my husband in the buff. He's clean and well-groomed and nearly as trim as when we first married. (We both are.) My problem is, Adam is constantly after me to join him. I admire his nerve, but just can't bring myself to go outdoors with nothing on, despite the privacy. My biggest hang-up is fear of getting caught.

Last month, Adam was mowing the lawn and didn't hear the UPS truck come down our long driveway. Caught "red-handed," he nonchalantly signed for the package, wished the driver a good day and went back to work. The driver winked and gave me a thumbs-up as he drove away.

Should I give in to Adam's request and give his nude lifestyle a try? I know it would mean a lot to him. I told him I'd follow your advice. -- "EVE" IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR "EVE": I'm not opposed to it. From everything I have read, and from readers' testimonials, the naturalist lifestyle is healthy and upbeat, so give it a try. Just be sure to wear sunscreen.

P.S. By December, your problem should no longer be a problem.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Opal" worries me. When it comes to dating, she meets most of her men in bars. They're usually a lot younger than she is. Opal is in her late 50s -- her "boyfriends" are 40 or younger.

I have no problem with women dating younger men, Abby, but these are guys who have been in jail and who have had drug problems, emotional issues, etc. Because I am Opal's best pal, I am the person whose shoulder she cries on when these relationships don't work out.

I am tired of always hearing the same old sob story. Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into her. What should I do when she calls me upset because she has been dumped again? I've had it, and I don't know what to do. -- APPALLED IN CLEVELAND

DEAR APPALLED: Poor Opal appears to be desperate for companionship and incapable of learning from her mistakes. The next time she calls to cry on your shoulder, give her the wake-up call she needs. Explain that if she's trying to hook a mountain trout, she shouldn't be fishing in a herring barrel. If she takes offense, so be it -- because she's looking for love in all the wrong places, and it appears your friendship has pretty much run its course.

DEAR ABBY: A single male friend and I have had a running debate about the phrase "I love you, but I am not IN love with you." It came up again with his telling another friend he believes there is a big difference between the two.

I have been married for 20 years, and I told him that all love starts out "in" love and gradually becomes a more meaningful and everlasting love. Can you settle this? -- TIRED OF HEARING IT IN TEXAS

DEAR TIRED: You can love more than one person at a time, but to be IN love with someone implies that you are focused only on that person and want the relationship to be exclusive. Although sometimes that feeling passes, other times it deepens into the emotion that you described. In other words, when it comes to love there are no absolutes.