DEAR ABBY: My older sister does not pick up her phone unless her boyfriend calls. They have a system worked out to let her know when it's him. She has an answering machine, but its message limit is always full.

She has told everyone that, in case of emergency, they should contact her neighbors, her employer, the police, or -- if she is camping -- the campground police.

Since when is it the responsibility of others to take and deliver messages for her when she makes herself unavailable? What makes it worse is she has a quadriplegic son in frail health who lives on his own with a caregiver. Although my sister makes medical decisions for him, the caregiver is never certain whether Sis can be reached if needed.

Abby, how do you handle such a person? -- DISGUSTED IN UTAH

DEAR DISGUSTED: Your sister is sending a strong message that she doesn't want to be disturbed, nor does she want any real contact with you. I'd "handle it" by taking a giant step back emotionally and contacting her only in case of emergency, in the manner she has requested.

The caregiver is another matter. Because of the son's frail health, the caregiver should be able to speak directly to your sister in the event that an emergency should arise that requires an immediate medical intervention.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 59-year-old woman who has been dating men in their 40s. At first, I refused because I thought they were too young for me and people might laugh. Since then, I have decided that as long as they know from the beginning that I'm not looking for a serious committed relationship, I'd be happy to go out. I have made some great friends and had some great times.

Abby, why do you think younger men are attracted to older women? I'm not exceptionally pretty nor do I have a great body, but I am a caring, fun person who loves music and dancing. Do you think you could poll your readers and get some feedback from men who date older women as to why they do? -- "COUGAR" IN NEW YORK

DEAR "COUGAR": Lord, I hate that word because it implies (to me) that the older woman is somehow predatory, and the men who find her attractive are helpless prey.

If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it's because many older women are independent, self-confident, worldly and not looking for commitment. Those qualities can be very attractive if a man isn't looking for commitment either.

Men, I'll be interested in your comments.

DEAR ABBY: I have just learned that my husband has lung cancer. He has known for almost a year and decided to keep it to himself.

We have been separated for a while, and he lives in another town nearby. We have two children -- both in their teens. I am the only person who knows about his illness.

He has decided not to follow his doctors' advice and is using an alternative treatment. I love him dearly, and I think he should tell the kids. He refuses. Don't you think they have a right to know? Please help me! -- CARRYING A HEAVY BURDEN

DEAR CARRYING: Your children should definitely know, and the person who should give them that information is their father. People often take for granted that their time with the people they love is infinite, and your children are no exception. If their father's time is limited, they might want to spend as much of it as they can with him -- and your husband should allow them to do it. The memories they make during this precious time may be all they have of their father.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Adam," and I bought a lovely, secluded home in the country. We have no children, and our nearest neighbor is a half-mile away. Now it seems like my husband plans to spend the rest of his life in the nude. He loves it and often tells me how "relaxing" it feels. I must admit his temperament has improved.

Please don't get me wrong -- I'm not a prude. But Adam goes for days on end without wearing a stitch unless we're going out or someone is coming over. He works in the yard, cuts the grass, hikes in our woods naked -- and has a head-to-toe golden tan.

I don't mind seeing my husband in the buff. He's clean and well-groomed and nearly as trim as when we first married. (We both are.) My problem is, Adam is constantly after me to join him. I admire his nerve, but just can't bring myself to go outdoors with nothing on, despite the privacy. My biggest hang-up is fear of getting caught.

Last month, Adam was mowing the lawn and didn't hear the UPS truck come down our long driveway. Caught "red-handed," he nonchalantly signed for the package, wished the driver a good day and went back to work. The driver winked and gave me a thumbs-up as he drove away.

Should I give in to Adam's request and give his nude lifestyle a try? I know it would mean a lot to him. I told him I'd follow your advice. -- "EVE" IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR "EVE": I'm not opposed to it. From everything I have read, and from readers' testimonials, the naturalist lifestyle is healthy and upbeat, so give it a try. Just be sure to wear sunscreen.

P.S. By December, your problem should no longer be a problem.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Opal" worries me. When it comes to dating, she meets most of her men in bars. They're usually a lot younger than she is. Opal is in her late 50s -- her "boyfriends" are 40 or younger.

I have no problem with women dating younger men, Abby, but these are guys who have been in jail and who have had drug problems, emotional issues, etc. Because I am Opal's best pal, I am the person whose shoulder she cries on when these relationships don't work out.

I am tired of always hearing the same old sob story. Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into her. What should I do when she calls me upset because she has been dumped again? I've had it, and I don't know what to do. -- APPALLED IN CLEVELAND

DEAR APPALLED: Poor Opal appears to be desperate for companionship and incapable of learning from her mistakes. The next time she calls to cry on your shoulder, give her the wake-up call she needs. Explain that if she's trying to hook a mountain trout, she shouldn't be fishing in a herring barrel. If she takes offense, so be it -- because she's looking for love in all the wrong places, and it appears your friendship has pretty much run its course.

DEAR ABBY: A single male friend and I have had a running debate about the phrase "I love you, but I am not IN love with you." It came up again with his telling another friend he believes there is a big difference between the two.

I have been married for 20 years, and I told him that all love starts out "in" love and gradually becomes a more meaningful and everlasting love. Can you settle this? -- TIRED OF HEARING IT IN TEXAS

DEAR TIRED: You can love more than one person at a time, but to be IN love with someone implies that you are focused only on that person and want the relationship to be exclusive. Although sometimes that feeling passes, other times it deepens into the emotion that you described. In other words, when it comes to love there are no absolutes.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Sick of Waiting in Denver" (June 25) will help a number of our patients. Physicians don't want frustrated and angry patients, and we don't plan our day expecting long waits. Your suggestion that when a doctor is running more than 15 minutes late, the next person should be warned is appropriate.

Your other suggestion to call the doctor's office an hour ahead of time to see if he/she is on schedule might not work. The physician might be on schedule, but a problem could arise that throws him/her off. Arriving at the office and finding the doctor horribly backed up after hearing that he was on schedule at the time of the phone call would be upsetting.

Unfortunately, I haven't found an easy solution to this in my 25 years of practice. It does help to focus on good manners and empathy, and to alert patients at the time of check-in if there's a problem, which allows them to return or reschedule. Of course, the physician conveying personally to his patients that their time is as important as his also goes a long way. -- MARC SCHNEIDERMAN, M.D., PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DR. SCHNEIDERMAN: Amen to that, and thank you for saying so. Read on for some of the comments I received from patients:

DEAR ABBY: I find it interesting that the doctor's rights are prominently posted in the waiting room, e.g., co-pays are due before you see the doctor, if you don't cancel your appointment 24 hours in advance and you fail to show up, you will be billed for the appointment. But nowhere do you see the patients' rights posted.

As a patient I insist on one simple right -- that the doctor see me within 15 minutes of the appointed time made by his/her staff. Last year I fired two doctors for keeping me waiting. In both cases I let the doctor know I would no longer be seeing them and why. One had the gall to tell me his patients EXPECTED to wait for him!

As patients, we enable doctors to get away with unprofessional behavior by not insisting on accountability. I am a professional, and time spent in a doctor's office is time taken away from my clients. My time is as valuable to me as the doctors' time is to them. -- LARRY W., SUN CITY, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: I suggest that whenever possible, patients should request the first appointment in the morning or after lunch. The chances of being seen on time are greater at those times. -- MAGGIE B., DANA POINT, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My husband had an appointment with a physician who kept him waiting an hour in the waiting room and nearly another hour in the examination room. When the doctor finally appeared, my husband complained about the long wait.

"I'm a doctor and I can't be rushed," he responded. "If I make a mistake, someone could DIE."

My husband, without missing a beat said, "Really? Well, I'm an architect. If I make a mistake, THOUSANDS could die. I guess I win."

With that, he got dressed and walked out. Needless to say, we never returned to that doctor.

I disagree that it is the patient's job to make sure the doctor isn't running late. His office staff can easily inform people of that fact when they walk in, giving them the option of waiting if they wish (or can). -- NO LONGER WAITING, HARMONY, PA.

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional. My hourly fees are similar to those of doctors. My policy is any waiting time after 30 minutes, I bill the doctor for my time. -- PATRICK IN SAN ANSELMO