DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Kent," and I have been together almost three years. It started out as a long-distance relationship, but my children and I have recently moved to his town.

When we were long-distance, we'd talk several times a day and say how much we loved each other. Now we don't talk that often except when we fight over stupid things, and the "I love you's" are almost nonexistent. I say it to Kent all the time. During a couple of our fights he actually told me he doesn't love me, and his actions sometimes show me he means it. When I try to discuss it, he says he was just mad and that he really does love me.

Abby, what bothers me is when we have "alone time" -- the kids are asleep or away -- Kent would rather watch sports, play on the computer, go out to the movies with his best friend or sleep. When it comes to romance -- it doesn't happen more than twice a month or unless he's drunk.

When we first got together, Kent wanted to do everything with me. Now I have to fight for us to spend any time at all together. What can I do? -- NEGLECTED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR NEGLECTED: It's time to take a giant step back and reassess this romance, or what's left of it. If Kent asked you to pick up your children and move to his town, then it appears he has either had a change of heart or he's a heel. If he didn't, then your going there was a miscalculation on your part.

It is crucial that you understand how important it is that a person's words and actions match. Kent may tell you he loves you occasionally and under pressure, but his ACTIONS prove otherwise. What you have described is a romance that's going nowhere positive, and if you still have the option, you should pack your bags and go back where you came from.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married three years. My wife comes from a large family, most of whom are here on the East Coast. She is close to all her sisters. One of them, "Kate," is gay and moved out west to be with her girlfriend, "Leslie."

Kate and Leslie break up every year. Then Kate flies back to visit the family. Everyone tells her not to reconcile with Leslie and to start a life without her. After a few weeks, Kate goes back, gets back together with Leslie, and the cycle starts all over again.

It's always the same story: Leslie initiates the breakup. Kate gets lonely and calls us for comfort at all hours of the night because she doesn't work a "normal" job, and it's still early for her. My wife and I both work and we have to get up very early.

I have told my wife that Kate needs to break this repeating cycle. I want to speak up but don't think it's my place as a non-blood relative. Is there anything anyone can do to get through to her that what she's doing is not only hurting her, but other family members? -- SLEEP-DEPRIVED IN SPRINGFIELD, VA.

DEAR SLEEP-DEPRIVED: Sorry, but Kate needs to figure that out for herself. In the meantime, you and your wife need to agree on what time to turn off the ringer on your phone. Sleep is important, and your health could depend on it.

DEAR ABBY: After returning from a five-day vacation, my wife and I discovered our air-conditioning system was on the fritz, but we were so tired we went to bed anyway.

I woke up the following morning, grabbed a quick shower and, feeling amorous, gently awakened my wife. I suggested she might want to also shower so we could "get close" before the house got too warm. She agreed.

I waited and waited. She seemed to be taking a very long time. When I peeked in I found her scrubbing the shower floor and walls. I was mighty unhappy that my wife would rather scrub the shower than join me in bed.

She says she did nothing wrong and claims I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. What say you? -- STILL HOT AND BOTHERED IN GEORGIA

DEAR STILL H AND B: Has your mind never wandered? Perhaps your wife saw a speck or two of soap scum as she was finishing her shower -- after all, two people had just used it. Rather than becoming upset, you should have gone into the shower to help her get the job done. If you had, things might have worked out differently.

DEAR ABBY: If someone is in an "unhappy" marriage with kids, is it a good idea or bad thing to wait until the kids are adults before considering divorce? The parents of almost everyone I know divorced while they were young. Mine did when I was about 20. But I know many couples who are staying together only for their kids, and I wonder if that's best for everyone. Your thoughts, please. -- "WENDY" IN WASHINGTON

DEAR "WENDY": You have asked a question for which there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on the condition of the marriage and how well both partners can sublimate their frustrations. While staying together for the sake of the kids may seem like an idyllic solution, I have heard from children of dysfunctional couples saying that although their parents didn't fight openly, they could feel the tension between their parents and would have grown up emotionally healthier if their parents had separated.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently started a great new job at a place I love. One day a week I'm unable to be there, so the woman I replaced works that day.

We now share a desk -- which I would not normally mind, but she has left all her belongings on the desk and around the workspace. I'm talking about photos, mementoes, hand creams, shoes, books, etc.

As the primary holder of the position, I think I should be able to keep my personal items in the area and put my own photos on the desk. After all, she is there one day a week only.

I wouldn't be opposed to her having a drawer to herself, or a designated area where she can keep her stuff. I don't want to create animosity between us, so how should I go about this? -- DOESN'T DO MONDAYS

DEAR DOESN'T: Because the woman works on the day that you are off, ask your supervisor or office manager to speak to her. Your request seems reasonable and sensible to me, and frankly, I'm surprised that she hasn't realized it and removed most of her things without having to be prompted.

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DEAR ABBY: You got it all wrong with "Dismayed in Roswell, Ga." (April 8), who complained that his daughter's fiance didn't ask his blessing before proposing. I'm the mother of two high-school-age daughters, and it would signal a rupture in our relationship if my husband and I were not included in the process.

You made it sound like this self-supporting daughter has no obligation to help her father and fiance begin their own relationship as in-laws. This is a perfect time for this "grown" young woman to establish a mutually respectful adult/parent connection. Advising Dad that the "gesture was unwelcome" is advising him to swallow all efforts to communicate and connect with his daughter and her fiance, when he clearly wants to be included.

I'm also unimpressed with a young man who would make no effort to ingratiate himself to his future children's grandfather. Marriages in our society are struggling to survive precisely because young people like those place no importance on building a support system. We need our parents and others to help us through the tough challenges. As a divorced father, "Dismayed" deserves every opportunity before the wedding to help his daughter get it right the first time. -- JAN IN ST. PAUL

DEAR JAN: Your opinion was shared by some -- but certainly not all -- of those who wrote to comment. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The custom of asking a father for permission to marry his daughter is outdated and for good reason. It's not so much a gesture of respect as a symbolic gesture that indicates the woman is a piece of property being "purchased" from the previous owner (the father) by a prospective new owner (husband-to-be).

The daughter in that letter, "Amanda," is one of many women today who regard the practice as disrespectful to women, not respectful to loving fathers. Dad's comment about "who wears the pants" in the family shows he feels Amanda should be unequal and subservient to her new "owner." She wants no part of this custom, not because her fiance "doesn't pass muster," but because she lucked out and found a man who, unlike her dad, views her as an equal in their relationship and, therefore, is as offended as she is by this outdated practice. -- OUTRAGED IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: "Dismayed" said that his 24-year-old daughter was "out on her own, leading a productive life." Why should he feel that her hand was his to give?

When I became engaged after living independently for a number of years, I made it clear to my fiance that I would be insulted if he asked my father for permission to marry me. Saying that it's a sign of respect to Dad is missing the point that treating a woman as a free and independent person is a sign of respect to HER. -- DIANE IN OAKDALE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Men should ask the fathers of their brides-to-be for permission! It gives the dads the opportunity to really talk to the men about their intentions and goals. I am 23 and many of my friends are getting married. Each of their fiances has asked their father. And I would not accept a ring unless my beloved had asked mine. -- MEAGHAN IN NEW YORK

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