DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.

There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy? Should I try to forget this? -- BURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT, MASS.

DEAR BURNING: Human sexuality is complicated. There are many women who help their husbands cross-dress, however it is my understanding that the initiator is usually the man. I don't think you are crazy, nor do I think you should "forget" something that you describe as a "burning desire." What I do think you should do is have a frank discussion with your husband and find out how open-minded he is on the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "John" for the past seven years. I live down south, while John lives up north. John is 76 and does not plan to retire, even though he doesn't have to work. I am 65 and need to work.

Is it possible for this long-distance relationship to survive? Part of me wishes we would end it so we could start over with someone who lives in the same city. I'm tired of living this way, but cannot seem to make the break. What should I do? -- SOUTHERN BELLE

DEAR SOUTHERN BELLE: If you are torn between your head and your heart, please listen to the part of you that thinks. Because this has been going on for seven years, it's clear that the status quo is enough for John. Because you need more than that, explain it to him, and if the two of you can't figure out a workable solution, it's time for you to find someone who can fulfill your needs.

DEAR ABBY: Our family, consisting of our three children, their spouses, our grandchildren and great-grandchildren, have occasional gatherings to celebrate special events. My husband's 90th birthday is this summer, and the immediate family will come here, some from faraway locations.

My daughter-in-law, "Janie," who lives 2,000 miles away, has felt for years that her children from previous marriages (who do not know any of us) should be included at these events. They live within 100 miles of our home and could attend if invited. Our relationship with Janie has been generally cordial and affectionate. She will be visiting her children at their homes the week of the birthday. If we exclude her kids from our celebration, she will feel insulted and resentful.

How obligated should we feel to bow to Janie's demands and include four additional adults and a young child to our party? My husband becomes upset and confused by large groups and noisy children. -- CORNERED ON THE EASTERN SHORE

DEAR CORNERED: Your husband's comfort and sense of well-being must come first. If he becomes agitated by large groups and noisy children, you must explain to Janie that no "strangers" can be introduced into the mix and why. Do not allow anyone to lay a guilt trip on you for advocating for him. When Janie sees your husband, I am sure she will understand.

DEAR ABBY: Please print this for "Ashamed in California" (March 28), who feels tremendous guilt for "not loving" her hard-to-manage son. I'm a psychotherapist and the mother of two boys, one of whom is "difficult."

The reason "Ashamed" hasn't heard other moms admit to having negative feelings toward their child is they, too, feel shame. Like her, they have accepted the idea that mothers are supposed to be perfect and feel positive toward their children all the time, even if they're behaving badly.

In my clinical practice, ALL the mothers admit to not liking their kids at times. Advising "Ashamed" to have her son evaluated for a possible disorder was good advice. But if she does and there is no diagnosis, her son could simply be a headstrong child. (They usually grow up to be likable, responsible adults, by the way.)

Her misery can be alleviated by understanding that she's not a bad parent for having totally normal feelings. Love for a child is constant. LIKING can vary from minute to minute, depending on how the child is acting. -- PSYCHOTHERAPIST IN S.C.

DEAR PSYCHOTHERAPIST: Thank you for sharing your insight. Many readers were eager to share their personal experiences of dealing with a difficult child and the range of emotions that goes along with it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I felt the same way! I loved my oldest son, but I wasn't "in love" with him as I was the other two. He was spinning out of control, constantly whining, aggressive toward his siblings, and unpleasant to be around even on a good day.

Eventually we discovered he has celiac disease (intolerance to gluten, causing a host of physical and behavior problems due to malnutrition). Once the fog cleared, we were able to see the wonderful boy he really was. For the first time in three years, I now feel love for him instead of a sense of obligation. -- ENLIGHTENED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ABBY: I tried many things to change my attitude toward my difficult child. As a last resort two months ago, we went to his pediatrician. After completing a physical and some paperwork, he diagnosed my son with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) as well as ADHD. He is now taking medication, and we have begun family counseling. My shame and anger dissolved as I began to understand the reasons behind his behavior and learn specific ways to deal with it. -- UNDERSTANDS HER PAIN IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: The best advice I ever received for coping with my contrary daughter was from a neighbor who had a surly girl of her own. She made a conscientious effort to be more demonstrative to her daughter, hug her more and hold on a little tighter to show her how valued she was.

I tried it with my daughter, going out of my way several times a day to express my love for her. It was awkward at first, but I persevered. I committed myself to loving that unlovable being, but slowly and surely it paid off. At first, she would lean away, but eventually she would ask me to hold on "just one more minute."

I also had to let go of the fantasy of who my child would be -- someone who would enjoy the things I enjoyed with my mom. We weren't going to cook together, visit museums or learn to sew. I had to meet her where she was. It was the challenge of my life.

My daughter is 24 now and on her own. Her life is not what I would have hoped or expected, but that's OK. We share a real and loving relationship, talk every day and I know I'm her touchstone for love and acceptance. I can't imagine my life without her. -- ANOTHER MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I became an unwed mother many years ago, when there was a stigma attached to having an illegitimate child. Unable to care for my son, I placed him for adoption. He has now found me.

I have a family, and my husband does not want me to tell our adult children or contact the young man and his family.

Do I go against the wishes of my husband, whom I love very much, or should I tell our children and perhaps risk my husband leaving me? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONFLICTED: From the tone of your letter your husband is the dominant partner in your marriage. If that's the case, and you really think he would leave you after all these years because you leveled with your children about the fact that they have a half-brother, then keep the secret.

However, if your relationship with your husband is anything approaching a partnership, then stand up for yourself and make it clear that you are the sum total of all your experiences -- both the joyful and the painful -- and you need to see your son, thank his family for the love and care they have given him, and let your adult children make up their own minds about whether they want to be contacted.

This is the 21st century, and we are far beyond the attitudes of the 1950s in which a human being who is born out of wedlock is a shameful secret forever to be buried. In addition, secrets have a way of always coming out eventually.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I got into a "debate" about the bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding. She said that a bridesmaid has to be a single woman.

I have often seen bridesmaids who are married, so I didn't think they "had" to be single. Which of us is right? -- PENNSYLVANIA BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: You are. Attitudes have changed radically since your mother was married, and so have weddings. Today there are maternity outfits for pregnant bridesmaids -- and brides -- so draw your own conclusions.