DEAR ABBY: My husband is threatening to leave and my 9-year-old daughter is distraught because I am embarrassed about our home and our cars. We live in an affluent suburb, but we're not one of the rich families. My daughter wants to invite friends from school over, but I'm mortified about their parents seeing our home or cars.

I know these things shouldn't matter. I love my husband, but he says I'm ruining our daughter's self-esteem and disrespecting him by being embarrassed by a life he works hard to provide. What's wrong with me, and how can I get past this? I don't want to lose my family. -- EMBARRASSED IN OHIO

DEAR EMBARRASSED: What makes a home warm and welcoming isn't whether it has been professionally decorated. Your problem isn't that you're ashamed of your house or cars. It's that you lack confidence in who you are. Your feelings stem less from what material things you lack than misplaced priorities.

When your daughter's friends visit, cookies in the oven, a welcoming smile and a willing ear if one of them needs a trusted adult in whom to confide will be more appreciated than whether your couch is new or there's a late-model car in the driveway. Many children from families who supposedly "have everything" are starved for plain old-fashioned personal attention.

I often recommend psychological counseling, but in your case, perhaps you would be better served by talking to a spiritual adviser about the difficulty you're having with appreciating how much you have for which to be thankful.

DEAR ABBY: I met "Greta" when I was in the Army Reserves. We fell in love, despite the fact that her parents disapproved of me. I come from a working-class background and Greta's family was considerably more well-off. We didn't care -- we wanted a future together.

Greta told me she had broken up with her former boyfriend because he was domineering. She assured me the relationship was over, and I believed her.

Shortly before I was discharged, Greta told me she was carrying my baby. I left for home with plans to send for her and marry her before our child was born. I lined up a job and a place to live. Several months later, Greta phoned to say she had had a baby girl. She said her parents had made her give our daughter up for adoption and asked me never to contact her again.

I honored her wishes, but I worried for years about Greta and our child. Eventually I married and had two daughters and a son. Five years ago, with the help of my children who are technologically savvy, we located my lost daughter, "Lily," and welcomed her into the family.

To cement our relationship, I had a paternity test performed recently and was shocked to learn I am NOT Lily's father. Greta still insists that I am, but DNA doesn't lie. Greta put my name on Lily's birth certificate. Lily blames herself for this mess, which is unfounded, and now says it's too painful to see me and my family again. I am so sorry for Lily and her children, who thought they were my grandchildren. What can we do? -- CRUSHED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CRUSHED: Write Lily and tell her that you were overjoyed when you found her, and that blood-related or not, you will always love her and her children. Perhaps if she reads it she will realize that in some cases we build families not just from DNA, but also from mutual need and caring. That's all you can do for now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have attended several weddings lately where we have waited up to an hour and a half for the bride and groom to arrive at their own reception. Can you enlighten me because, frankly, I am ... ONE CONFUSED GUEST, LEWIS CENTER, OHIO

DEAR CONFUSED: Sometimes there is a delay between the wedding ceremony and the reception so the wedding party can be photographed. Rather than being confused, use your imagination. These days there could be many reasons for a delay -- the limo ran out of gas, someone's zipper stuck, the bride went into labor....

According to Emily Post: "Any delay longer than 30 to 45 minutes becomes excessive, unless (the) invitation included a starting time for the reception. ... If there is likely to be a considerable delay, be sure that guests will be served beverages and hors d'oeuvres while they await your arrival."

DEAR ABBY: I teach at a privately owned after-school center. Recently, my boss asked me if I had any friends who could teach an extra class one day a week. I have a friend, "Cheryl," who I know would be great for the job. She's very smart and has past teaching experience.

I told my boss I would introduce her to Cheryl. What I didn't mention is that Cheryl is transgender. She was not born a biological female. I don't feel it is my place to disclose that to my boss. However, I was shocked when Cheryl said she wouldn't tell, either.

I understand my friend's desire to be recognized as a woman. But I feel that I would be deceiving my boss if neither of us told her. I'm not entirely sure whether my boss, the other teachers and the children's parents would approve of Cheryl. I don't want to be blamed for not being truthful. If Cheryl doesn't reveal that she's transgender, should I? -- NERVOUS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NERVOUS: Please do not allow yourself to be distracted by your friend's gender status. The question isn't whether Cheryl was born a woman. It's whether she can be a competent teacher. When all is said and done, what's going on between her ears is far more important than what's under her skirt. Jobs working with children require background checks. It's not your responsibility to be the town crier.

DEAR ABBY: I have received an invitation to a graduation party and a note was enclosed. It read:

"If I don't hear from you by the 25th, I will not be able to include you. This invitation is for those addressed, and no one else. Seating is limited. Please do not ask for 'to go' containers, as all the food will be going home with us. This is a very special day for 'Mary' and a lot of planning has gone into it. There may be people you would rather not see or talk to, but please remember it is about 'Mary' that day and no one else. If any of this makes you uncomfortable, please do not feel it necessary to attend."

What do you think of this, Abby? -- STUNNED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR STUNNED: It appears this family has many members who are clueless about basic good manners -- and that includes the person who sent the invitation. Obviously, these people have been taken advantage of in the past and are trying to prevent it from happening again. Because you have it in writing that if "any of this" makes you uncomfortable you are free not to attend, I think you should take the person at his or her word and stay home.

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your response to "Needs Help Finishing Th ... " (Feb. 23), who can't complete her projects now that she has graduated from college. I could have written that letter, except that I graduated from college 30 years ago.

I have always had problems finishing anything that didn't have specific external consequences if it wasn't completed. Now that I'm in graduate school, this trait has become a real problem. I tried every mind game, motivation and organizational technique I could think of, while silently berating myself because no matter what I did, I could not finish writing my papers or complete my research projects.

Eventually, I was sent by student counseling to a psychologist who ran a battery of tests and found that I have the inattentive form (non-hyperactive) of attention deficit disorder (ADD). I am now on medication and making progress.

Not everyone who can't complete tasks has ADD. But for those who do, being told they are "self-indulgent" only adds to the despair and self-recrimination they already feel. "Needs Help" should read up on adult ADD/ADHD to see if some of the characteristics fit and then seek professional help. -- 50-YEAR-OLD GRAD STUDENT WITH ADD

DEAR GRAD STUDENT: While some readers felt that I was insensitive for telling "Needs Help" to "stop the self-indulgence," others, like you, shared helpful suggestions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Didn't it occur to you that "Needs Help" might just be an idea person? I'm half of a creative team in advertising. I'm a writer, and I work with a designer to come up with cool new ideas for ad campaigns. We start those ideas and then pass them on to more designers, illustrators, developers, etc.

"Needs Help" should know that every negative has a positive. I, too, used to worry that I would never finish anything, but now I realize that I just have a passion for learning new things. -- CREATIVE, NOT LAZY IN KALAMAZOO

DEAR ABBY: Being disorganized and not a self-starter could be signs and/or symptoms of several psychological problems that interfere with personal growth and satisfaction in many areas of life. There could be a deep, underlying reason for that person's lack of motivation in getting on with life after graduation.

Talking to a therapist would get to the core of the problem. There are recognized disorders that prevent people from starting and finishing even the smallest project. -- PAULA IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: As a college professor, I often see students who thrive under the structure of formal classes have difficulty applying their talents to independent projects. The ability to conceptualize and complete unsupervised projects requires skills that can be learned and strengthened with practice. "Needs Help" recognizes that he or she has not yet learned these skills. A counselor who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy may be helpful. -- PROFESSOR IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ABBY: The disorganization of some creative people is often chalked up as a side effect of their creativity because they do not seem to have trouble in school. These students often gravitate toward the arts because the climate is more accommodating of their "difficulties."

Because I was an excellent student who was considered creative, people set aside the fact that I was disastrously messy and disorganized. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I was diagnosed with ADD. That diagnosis changed my life and provided immense relief. -- BEEN THERE IN HAMILTON, N.J.